The Band has asked me to send it's greetings to you on this, the First Valentine's Day of the New Millenium. We hope you get exactly what you want. It's a big universe.

(Btw, if anyone out there actually does receive that three-foot tall, 30 lb. milk chocolate-covered peanut butter dog, please send us a pic.)

New Heights in Curmudgeonly Party Pooper-ism

So it's a silly holiday. That being said, perhaps a small prayer of thanks is in order for our tolerance of silliness, because, well, we could be here.

A Little Finger Pointing??

So, Your Chronicler has been enjoying some humorous exchanges with Kevin Whited, over at his Reason Forum. The source of our shared amusement, we're not embarassed to admit, are those wanna-be-holier-than-thou systems people you see running around your offices these days, ever-chirping cell phones clipped to their wastebands, positioned just slightly in front of their supertools. Now, neither I nor Mr. Whited has anything against cell phones (though we do agree that you should turn them off when you're in a public setting, or have the common courtesy to purchase a silent vibrating battery) or supertools (there is much to say for being prepared). No -- we simply take issue with the personnel, whom Mr. Whited has masterfully genericized as "IT Professionals." So, in the spirit of both V-Day and the new, fun, affordable and satisfying sport of techie-bashing, we offer you the following:

• Security "experts" (uh-huh....) gird their loins. And The Band shields its eyes as the Prophets of Insecurity Strike Again!!
  
  
• "Here you have, :o)" -- So, how long before the techies start making jokes about this one? The Band can almost hear it now:
  "Yeah....heh-heh.....like, there's a virus I'd like to catch.......heh-heh......."
  "Yeah, like.....heh-heh........infect me....{~drool~}......heh-heh......"

Sorry for that digression -- sometimes it's tough to forget that when we were kids these were the people who walked around with bulging plastic pocket protectors. It really is beside the point. The point here, if there is one at all, is that what's interesting about this article is that it somewhat captures the self-perpetuating paranoia that the ITP's are so deft at promoting (search on ). Read about:

• The Villain -- the thrilling capture of, "OnTheFly," the Evil Architect of the Kournikova Virus (he turned himself in).
  
• Finnish internet security company F-Secure Outwits the Villain.
  
• A glimpse into the perverse mind of OnTheFly, as he explains why he named the virus after the popular young Russian tennis star ("Just because I am a big fan of her. She deserves some attention, doesn't she??" No lie -- Ed.).
  
• Virus research manager at F-(in)Secure describes as "horrifying" {*g-a-s-p!!*} that OnTheFly used a "virus toolkit" to create the virus: "The blame lies as much with the creator of the toolkit."

Hmmm. So, who's fault is it? The Villain's, for creating the virus? The software manufacturer's, for creating the toolkit? The ITPs, for not preventing the virus from getting through? The Band can almost hear this discussion waxing philosophical over pepperoni pizza in the posh ITP lounge:

"It's horrifying! The blame lies as much with the creator of the toolkit."
"Man, shut up. That's just dumb."
"What -- ?"
"I mean, it's like saying that all of the evil in the world is as much God's fault as man's."

Poor Bubba's Almanac, 2/14/01

• It's always hard to watch friends fight.
  
• The rent is too high.
  
• It sucks to get invited to lunch, only to be later dissed by market managers.
  

The Band Entertains

Today's Aquarius Horoscope
January 20 - February 18

Deep feelings about your career, the direction it is heading, what you want out of it -- perhaps even questions about whether it is time to change paths -- are coming to the forefront. So maybe it is time you sought the advice of a sage and trusted soul who can tell you about their mistakes so that you won't have to make more of your own. You have plenty of ambition and interest in bettering the world, but questions are looming concerning whether your current path is the best one. Entertain the questions and the answer will appear on its own time.

Last but not Least

For those Dear Readers who may have an interest, casual or otherwise, in such non-profit issues as the Clinton library foundation's use of charitable funds to pay for part of his office, Dubya's "faith-based initiative," or the effect of an estate tax repeal on charitable giving, you may like this interview with Michael Wyland.