the holidays deyz done upon us
yup, yup, yup. just about a week ago, i was standing in my driveway around midnight, looking at the stars and enjoying a near 70-degree breeze. by the following afternoon, the temperature had dropped 50 (count 'em) degrees, and yesterday afternoon, the flurries came in.
i am so not enthralled by the winter. there was a time in my life when i looked forward to it simply because i'd be able to pull out the wool sweaters. that penchant too has waned. these days in my life, i spend most of my hopeful energy during the winter looking forward to spring. if i'm lucky, maybe i'll do some sledding with my son, or ice skating. i did purchase a pair of snowshoes to give me one less excuse to not go outside this season. you see, there are things about the winter that i do like, love even. i love how the woods look during and after a heavy snow. pristine. crystalline. i love how the woods sound when it's snowing, millions of ice crystals pelting what the ground, the frozen branches, the creeks. i love how it smells.
but i don't like the cold much. and i hate the early darkening of the afternoons. the growing piles of sludgy, black frozen snow that begin to line sidewalks and curbs with gray-black lumps of rood soot and gravel encrusted ice. i hate the way drivers become absolute idiots, their road behavior being the only trivial matter that nonetheless makes me wish harm on my fellow man. i hate having to consider how many layers i will need to wrap around me before leaving the house for any reason, and i hate having to devote mental energy to coordinating said layers. and i hate the familiar harsh blast of cold air in my face at every turn. i especially hate it when it happens on the street or in open spaces between buildings, when the icy blasts feel capable of penetrating every inch of your clothing and you truly do understand how the weather can kill a person.
the holidays are upon us. most people in america have already started. it's odd -- so many people, such huge numbers of people, all doing similar things, moving in similar ways, repeating similar tasks. sure, your stuffing may have almonds in it while your neighbor's has water chestnuts, yours cooked in the bird with store-bought bread crumbs, theirs in a separate pan with homemade croutons; through the years, your family may have upgraded to cheesecake over pumpkin pie, while your best friend's family continues to swear by apple pie; maybe you have baked beans instead of corn; or macaroni and cheese instead of yams -- whatever the case, families, friends and i'd imagine a good collection of strange individuals are already, as you are reading this, defrosting 30-lb headless headless farm-raised birds, if not stalking their wild cousins in the aforementioned woods with hearts set on murder.
the luckiest of us among them will retreat to various homesteads, to either our mother's homes, or our grandmother's homes. sometimes an aunt picks up the duty of hosting the family's traditional feast, sometimes the eldest daughter, or the first-born son's wife, or the youngest daughter, or a coalition of the unmarried daughters of the family, yielding to the demands of their society and a culture that offers them some small level of redemption for not contributing to the gene pool, let alone the future tax base, through the act of reproduction......instead, they work off their unpaid tithes through the labor of cooking and baking and basting and carmelizing and frosting and slicing and kneading.........
the less lucky will attempt to capture the spirit of the homestead celebrations, but in some faraway place. like hawaii, if you're from the midwest, or somewhere in europe, if you're an american. or in the middle east, if you're a soldier, a sailor or a marine. displaced fellow ohioans will say annoying things like, "it's just not thanksgiving without snow" to people like me who would sacrifice something of great value without much hesitation to be living in a place where snow in november is no more than the basis of a silly joke.
the unluckiest of us will not celebrate at all. and there's no justice or fairness in that, because we live in a nation that can afford -- maybe not easily, maybe not all on the same day -- but we can afford to feed the world. why don't we?
oh yeah. i forgot. gotta start getting ready for christmas......
happy thanksgiving, everyone.
11.23.2005
10.07.2005
feeling neglected
yes, i am. it is true. there are a lot of blogs out there, and many of them, if not most, are worse than mine. i'm not claiming to be any kind of master of the medium -- god knows, technological advances so quickly outstripped my own feeble html skills, rendering them obsolete nearly the same week i went online.
nonetheless, i HAVE been blogging here since November of *2000* ! since then, i've brought you humor, and insight, personal and otherwise. commentary and anecdote. links and pictures. sex and heartbreak, joy and ennui. the news and the not-so-news. and yet, shit -- no one gives a flying rat's ass.
i mean, damn! -- don't i at least get street cred for staying power?
or props for prescience, maybe -- recognizing in my own little corner of the world that this funky little application would explode exponentially? in short time? do i get NO credit for being down with blogs before, what? -- 95% of humanity???
or for permitting a view into Everyman's life, pre 9-11.
for something, for crying out loud! no one visits, no one comments, no one seeks me out.
fuck.
have you forgotten? have all of you FORGOTTEN???? the whole PURPOSE of this fucking thing was so that you could DISCOVER me, damn it!!!!!!! and get me the fuck OUT of this boring 9-5 existence.
so, in that spirit, enjoy some keywords, you thankless masses.
adults have sex and take pictures and videos of their sins despite religion and politics. barbara bush fed jenna to george and he ate her straight up. meanwhile, tim leary sold drugs to al quaeda, but no one knows because of the coverup. ask the usual suspects -- ron reagan, dick cheney, ollie north -- they won't tell you that osama bin laden ate them raw, without protection. terrorists still suck, and sometimes even run with scissors from exposed breasts, like janet jackson's. the election was fixed, and so is donkey kong. pac man begs to differ, but remember -- he couldn't munch his way out of a bag, let alone skirt impending doom. or upskirt it, as the case may be. nonetheless, the end of the world is only a rumor, and if wishes were trees, trees would be fallen -- ask any advisor you happen to see, psychic or otherwise, what's the best tuna? chicken of the sea, but, again -- remember: you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. where has rock 'n roll gotten us, anyways? someone reported that ozzy osbourne has aids, and this too is not good. you can't find a needle in a haystack when it's stuck in a pundits armpit. choose stilettos over sensible shoes, if you will, but I would love to date a woman who makes great martinis. afterwards, coffee can be a nice pick-me-up. pick you up? what time? say, seven-ish? yes, she said, yes yes oh yes. you won't see this on the news, because the revolution will not be televised.
there. take that, search engines.
and bring on the royalties, 'cuz i'm getting tired of the game.
yes, i am. it is true. there are a lot of blogs out there, and many of them, if not most, are worse than mine. i'm not claiming to be any kind of master of the medium -- god knows, technological advances so quickly outstripped my own feeble html skills, rendering them obsolete nearly the same week i went online.
nonetheless, i HAVE been blogging here since November of *2000* ! since then, i've brought you humor, and insight, personal and otherwise. commentary and anecdote. links and pictures. sex and heartbreak, joy and ennui. the news and the not-so-news. and yet, shit -- no one gives a flying rat's ass.
i mean, damn! -- don't i at least get street cred for staying power?
or props for prescience, maybe -- recognizing in my own little corner of the world that this funky little application would explode exponentially? in short time? do i get NO credit for being down with blogs before, what? -- 95% of humanity???
or for permitting a view into Everyman's life, pre 9-11.
for something, for crying out loud! no one visits, no one comments, no one seeks me out.
fuck.
have you forgotten? have all of you FORGOTTEN???? the whole PURPOSE of this fucking thing was so that you could DISCOVER me, damn it!!!!!!! and get me the fuck OUT of this boring 9-5 existence.
so, in that spirit, enjoy some keywords, you thankless masses.
adults have sex and take pictures and videos of their sins despite religion and politics. barbara bush fed jenna to george and he ate her straight up. meanwhile, tim leary sold drugs to al quaeda, but no one knows because of the coverup. ask the usual suspects -- ron reagan, dick cheney, ollie north -- they won't tell you that osama bin laden ate them raw, without protection. terrorists still suck, and sometimes even run with scissors from exposed breasts, like janet jackson's. the election was fixed, and so is donkey kong. pac man begs to differ, but remember -- he couldn't munch his way out of a bag, let alone skirt impending doom. or upskirt it, as the case may be. nonetheless, the end of the world is only a rumor, and if wishes were trees, trees would be fallen -- ask any advisor you happen to see, psychic or otherwise, what's the best tuna? chicken of the sea, but, again -- remember: you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. where has rock 'n roll gotten us, anyways? someone reported that ozzy osbourne has aids, and this too is not good. you can't find a needle in a haystack when it's stuck in a pundits armpit. choose stilettos over sensible shoes, if you will, but I would love to date a woman who makes great martinis. afterwards, coffee can be a nice pick-me-up. pick you up? what time? say, seven-ish? yes, she said, yes yes oh yes. you won't see this on the news, because the revolution will not be televised.
there. take that, search engines.
and bring on the royalties, 'cuz i'm getting tired of the game.
10.05.2005
cheating a little death
Had a little fun last weekend.....headed down to West-by-god-Virginia.....little did I know......
"The Upper Gauley is highly technical, requiring great skill to negotiate its narrow chutes and machine-gun rapids. It ranks in the top five in the world for whitewater adventure. The Upper Gauley offers tremendous Class III to V+ drops in steep, turbulent chutes such as Pillow Rock, Iron Ring and Sweet's Falls, and rocky routes that demand constant maneuvering such as Lost Paddle and Shipwreck. This section of the river requires experience, concentration and teamwork - plus maybe just a touch of craziness, too!"
Basically, it was about a 360-ft descent over roughly 12 miles through 75 distinct rapids.
Here's our boat.
These aren't videos of our boat, but here are some snips of where we were -- gives a pretty good sense of the entire day -- pretty much exact conditions. First one is Pillow Rock, mentioned above. Here's Lost Paddle, and here's Sweet's Falls.
Excellent fun! I gotta do much more of this -- guess I really HAVE to learn how to swim.......nonetheless, I stayed in the boat until the last rapid -- and I'm alive to tell the tale.
Had a little fun last weekend.....headed down to West-by-god-Virginia.....little did I know......
"The Upper Gauley is highly technical, requiring great skill to negotiate its narrow chutes and machine-gun rapids. It ranks in the top five in the world for whitewater adventure. The Upper Gauley offers tremendous Class III to V+ drops in steep, turbulent chutes such as Pillow Rock, Iron Ring and Sweet's Falls, and rocky routes that demand constant maneuvering such as Lost Paddle and Shipwreck. This section of the river requires experience, concentration and teamwork - plus maybe just a touch of craziness, too!"
Basically, it was about a 360-ft descent over roughly 12 miles through 75 distinct rapids.
Here's our boat.
These aren't videos of our boat, but here are some snips of where we were -- gives a pretty good sense of the entire day -- pretty much exact conditions. First one is Pillow Rock, mentioned above. Here's Lost Paddle, and here's Sweet's Falls.
Excellent fun! I gotta do much more of this -- guess I really HAVE to learn how to swim.......nonetheless, I stayed in the boat until the last rapid -- and I'm alive to tell the tale.
9.12.2005
go-o-o-o-o-d plan....
"Shortly after Brown was recalled to Washington last week, officials close to the FEMA director said he would probably resign. They said that even before Katrina, Brown had been planning on leaving the administration late this fall to go into the private sector."
um, yeah -- i'm sure lots of you folks out there are feeling this: "GREAT! Now this guy can come and work for us!!"
"Shortly after Brown was recalled to Washington last week, officials close to the FEMA director said he would probably resign. They said that even before Katrina, Brown had been planning on leaving the administration late this fall to go into the private sector."
um, yeah -- i'm sure lots of you folks out there are feeling this: "GREAT! Now this guy can come and work for us!!"
9.09.2005
9.08.2005
one citizen's voice
a post from Joshua Mann Pailet, owner of A Gallery for Fine Photography on Chartrest Street in the French Quarter, New Orleans:
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Dear Friends
TRUTH and BEAUTY and LOVE are UNIVERSAL.
CHILDREN FIRST
Immediate and very direct help, go to
http://www.braf.org
http://www.habitat.org
http://www.girlscoutsaudubon.org
http://maps.google.com - Type in New Orleans address and click Katrina link
New Orleans is my home and birthplace. I remained in downtown New Orleans
during the difficult first five days. In the French Quarter, downtown, and
along the Mississippi River, I witnessed the SURVIVORS of this powerful
storm struggle to maintain dignity and life.
Along this narrow unique corridor of the original city boundaries, there
was NO FLOODING. All around us, the waters rose and the struggle roared
louder than the hurricane winds of that historic storm.
During this time, communication was non-existent. Rumors ruled the
street. The outlaws were bad, but a tiny percentage.
The community worked together to have the stamina to remain calm and
alive. NO water or food was delivered into these historic quarters until
late Friday afternoon.
NO evidence was seen of Authority or control.
We were not destroyed through looting or shooting.
In fact, I witnessed a far more remarkable scene than TV or radio was able
to report.
The other less famous, but EQUALLY IMPORTANT neighborhoods of this
remarkable City, were deluged with water, fear, anger, bullies, and HEROES.
Our policeman, fireman, and individual citizens used their wits and
struggled to rescue many thousands of stranded friends and families while
their own lives had been shattered.
The historic French Quarter and Riverfront community up St. Charles Avenue
and along the Mississippi River survived intact and can be ready for your
return soon after the electricity and running water is restored.
We are eager to see the misery calmed and life and vitality restored.
Despite the visual images you are seeing, you will be surprised in the
upcoming weeks. As we unite, together we can move forward to bring us
together again.
The Daily Challenges are being addressed in a manner that requires
everyone to remain flexible, cooperative, resourceful, inventive and
respectful. ALL displaced CITIZENS must have the Opportunity to return to
their original neighborhoods. These unique neighborhoods must be rebuilt.
The complex and multi-dimensional problems of this event are going to be
solved, step-by-step, day by day, brick by brick. THE PEOPLE who are the
heart and soul of this great city will be back. It is essential to bring
ALL home to let the magic that you love about New Orleans blossom in the
SPRING.
The great gumbo of New Orleans requires that ALL our friends and families
have a chance to return to their roots. The unique qualities that we love
will shine if we continue to act with true dignity and bring back to EVERY
NEIGHBORHOOD the artists, cooks, workers, musicians, professionals,
carpenters, and more. This is TRUTH for NEW ORLEANS and EVERY community
that surrounds it for miles and miles and miles.
Tonight, we are scattered and battered.
Each day, the outpouring of concern has kept us going forward. We will
clean it up and want everyone back to their neighborhoods and homes.
For some of us, this will be soon.
For the vast majority, it will be much longer.
WE NEED YOUR HELP and the fantastic response from around the world and
especially across the USA must continue.
THE LOVE for New Orleans is evident.
WE sincerely THANK YOU.
We know the stress is spreading and touching all of you.
EVERYONE in the entire region has been affected. I am presently in Baton
Rouge organizing and helping people find a place to live, work, and send
their children to schools. Baton Rouge has taken in over 350,00 people
and nearly doubled in size.
Some of us are in hotels, friends' homes, strangers' homes, shelters,
churches, temples, arenas, gymnasiums, vehicles, tents, and every
available resource you can imagine.
The generosity and kindness of the great people of Baton Rouge, Houston,
and every town and state for hundreds of miles is remarkable to witness.
They are nurturing my fellow CITIZENS of New Orleans, Mississippi, and
Alabama. It will continue.
Many of you have asked to HELP.
We need your resources and immediate attention to a multitude of tasks.
We must continue rescuing, protecting, housing, and restoring health all
at once. This test and challenge will require stamina and willpower,
infrastructure, money, and planning. Timing is truly critical.
Everywhere I look, the efforts and overtime are phenomenal. Imagine.
My fellow survivors continue to inspire others. No doubt major mistakes
have been made. This can be debated at a later date.
I ask all of you to continue focusing on NEW ORLEANS and the entire GULF
COAST and pushing this effort forward. Each of you have a role to play as
this situation stabilizes.
Tonight, I feel that the children need our most immediate attention. In
Baton Rouge alone, there are over 35,000 new children of kindergarten to
high school age who are in dire need of stability and EDUCATION.
This TRUTH is repeated in numerous communities all over Louisiana,
Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
Arizona, New Mexico, and many more.
Tomorrow should be a school day for these beautiful children. We must
begin to provide and prepare them for the future. NOW!
Schools, teachers, personnel, and supplies need to come together quickly.
An Education Relief Task Force is organizing this effort. I strongly urge
you to continue supporting ALL charitable efforts with your donations.
I believe that the Baton Rouge Area Foundation (www.braf.org) is the
proper place to direct your financial contributions at this very moment.
The EDUCATIONAL CRISIS is critical. The New Orleans School System is
wiped out and bankrupt.
As you think about this, if we can get our children on a positive track,
then parents will begin to rest easier and thus able to solve all the
problems we need to address. From this will spring forth all the other
great projects needed.
At times this emotional roller coaster we are all on, causes us to briefly
stop. It is paramount that we work together diligently for a very long
time to achieve this GOAL for our CHILDREN.
It can and must be done. With this will follow the jobs and the dignity we
all need to rebuild.
CHILDREN FIRST.
Send your donations to BRAC.ORG
My dear friend Marc Sternberg, a Baton Rouge native,
(marc@bronxlabschool.org) is a vital part of this effort.
Bring your energy, ideas, and donations NOW.
Throughout all of this, I have heard my mother's words echo in my sky.
"Pick up the pieces and get on with it."
Thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, and energy. You keep me and
many others moving forward on this path to recovery. Every moment of
everyday we encounter a changing reality.
FOCUS on the FUTURE by immediately providing the resources needed to get
these NEW SCHOOLS up and running. The CHILDREN need you more than ever.
It will take more than 150 million dollars for this effort in Baton Rouge
alone. All the communities of the great Gulf Coast and Deep South region
have the same challenge.
I will continue to be here to help.
WE ARE ONE.
CHILDREN FIRST
[You may have read my] eyewitness account sent earlier to many of you.
I know it only applies to this tiny historic piece of land I was blessed
to be in at the moment this storm arrived.
I am keenly aware that other neighborhoods in New Orleans and all around
the GULF COAST experienced a nightmare of biblical proportions that seems
to grow daily.
THANK YOU
I am the luckiest man in New Orleans and this planet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thanks to Chuck Taggart for the link.
a post from Joshua Mann Pailet, owner of A Gallery for Fine Photography on Chartrest Street in the French Quarter, New Orleans:
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Dear Friends
TRUTH and BEAUTY and LOVE are UNIVERSAL.
CHILDREN FIRST
Immediate and very direct help, go to
http://www.braf.org
http://www.habitat.org
http://www.girlscoutsaudubon.org
http://maps.google.com - Type in New Orleans address and click Katrina link
New Orleans is my home and birthplace. I remained in downtown New Orleans
during the difficult first five days. In the French Quarter, downtown, and
along the Mississippi River, I witnessed the SURVIVORS of this powerful
storm struggle to maintain dignity and life.
Along this narrow unique corridor of the original city boundaries, there
was NO FLOODING. All around us, the waters rose and the struggle roared
louder than the hurricane winds of that historic storm.
During this time, communication was non-existent. Rumors ruled the
street. The outlaws were bad, but a tiny percentage.
The community worked together to have the stamina to remain calm and
alive. NO water or food was delivered into these historic quarters until
late Friday afternoon.
NO evidence was seen of Authority or control.
We were not destroyed through looting or shooting.
In fact, I witnessed a far more remarkable scene than TV or radio was able
to report.
The other less famous, but EQUALLY IMPORTANT neighborhoods of this
remarkable City, were deluged with water, fear, anger, bullies, and HEROES.
Our policeman, fireman, and individual citizens used their wits and
struggled to rescue many thousands of stranded friends and families while
their own lives had been shattered.
The historic French Quarter and Riverfront community up St. Charles Avenue
and along the Mississippi River survived intact and can be ready for your
return soon after the electricity and running water is restored.
We are eager to see the misery calmed and life and vitality restored.
Despite the visual images you are seeing, you will be surprised in the
upcoming weeks. As we unite, together we can move forward to bring us
together again.
The Daily Challenges are being addressed in a manner that requires
everyone to remain flexible, cooperative, resourceful, inventive and
respectful. ALL displaced CITIZENS must have the Opportunity to return to
their original neighborhoods. These unique neighborhoods must be rebuilt.
The complex and multi-dimensional problems of this event are going to be
solved, step-by-step, day by day, brick by brick. THE PEOPLE who are the
heart and soul of this great city will be back. It is essential to bring
ALL home to let the magic that you love about New Orleans blossom in the
SPRING.
The great gumbo of New Orleans requires that ALL our friends and families
have a chance to return to their roots. The unique qualities that we love
will shine if we continue to act with true dignity and bring back to EVERY
NEIGHBORHOOD the artists, cooks, workers, musicians, professionals,
carpenters, and more. This is TRUTH for NEW ORLEANS and EVERY community
that surrounds it for miles and miles and miles.
Tonight, we are scattered and battered.
Each day, the outpouring of concern has kept us going forward. We will
clean it up and want everyone back to their neighborhoods and homes.
For some of us, this will be soon.
For the vast majority, it will be much longer.
WE NEED YOUR HELP and the fantastic response from around the world and
especially across the USA must continue.
THE LOVE for New Orleans is evident.
WE sincerely THANK YOU.
We know the stress is spreading and touching all of you.
EVERYONE in the entire region has been affected. I am presently in Baton
Rouge organizing and helping people find a place to live, work, and send
their children to schools. Baton Rouge has taken in over 350,00 people
and nearly doubled in size.
Some of us are in hotels, friends' homes, strangers' homes, shelters,
churches, temples, arenas, gymnasiums, vehicles, tents, and every
available resource you can imagine.
The generosity and kindness of the great people of Baton Rouge, Houston,
and every town and state for hundreds of miles is remarkable to witness.
They are nurturing my fellow CITIZENS of New Orleans, Mississippi, and
Alabama. It will continue.
Many of you have asked to HELP.
We need your resources and immediate attention to a multitude of tasks.
We must continue rescuing, protecting, housing, and restoring health all
at once. This test and challenge will require stamina and willpower,
infrastructure, money, and planning. Timing is truly critical.
Everywhere I look, the efforts and overtime are phenomenal. Imagine.
My fellow survivors continue to inspire others. No doubt major mistakes
have been made. This can be debated at a later date.
I ask all of you to continue focusing on NEW ORLEANS and the entire GULF
COAST and pushing this effort forward. Each of you have a role to play as
this situation stabilizes.
Tonight, I feel that the children need our most immediate attention. In
Baton Rouge alone, there are over 35,000 new children of kindergarten to
high school age who are in dire need of stability and EDUCATION.
This TRUTH is repeated in numerous communities all over Louisiana,
Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
Arizona, New Mexico, and many more.
Tomorrow should be a school day for these beautiful children. We must
begin to provide and prepare them for the future. NOW!
Schools, teachers, personnel, and supplies need to come together quickly.
An Education Relief Task Force is organizing this effort. I strongly urge
you to continue supporting ALL charitable efforts with your donations.
I believe that the Baton Rouge Area Foundation (www.braf.org) is the
proper place to direct your financial contributions at this very moment.
The EDUCATIONAL CRISIS is critical. The New Orleans School System is
wiped out and bankrupt.
As you think about this, if we can get our children on a positive track,
then parents will begin to rest easier and thus able to solve all the
problems we need to address. From this will spring forth all the other
great projects needed.
At times this emotional roller coaster we are all on, causes us to briefly
stop. It is paramount that we work together diligently for a very long
time to achieve this GOAL for our CHILDREN.
It can and must be done. With this will follow the jobs and the dignity we
all need to rebuild.
CHILDREN FIRST.
Send your donations to BRAC.ORG
My dear friend Marc Sternberg, a Baton Rouge native,
(marc@bronxlabschool.org) is a vital part of this effort.
Bring your energy, ideas, and donations NOW.
Throughout all of this, I have heard my mother's words echo in my sky.
"Pick up the pieces and get on with it."
Thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, and energy. You keep me and
many others moving forward on this path to recovery. Every moment of
everyday we encounter a changing reality.
FOCUS on the FUTURE by immediately providing the resources needed to get
these NEW SCHOOLS up and running. The CHILDREN need you more than ever.
It will take more than 150 million dollars for this effort in Baton Rouge
alone. All the communities of the great Gulf Coast and Deep South region
have the same challenge.
I will continue to be here to help.
WE ARE ONE.
CHILDREN FIRST
[You may have read my] eyewitness account sent earlier to many of you.
I know it only applies to this tiny historic piece of land I was blessed
to be in at the moment this storm arrived.
I am keenly aware that other neighborhoods in New Orleans and all around
the GULF COAST experienced a nightmare of biblical proportions that seems
to grow daily.
THANK YOU
I am the luckiest man in New Orleans and this planet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thanks to Chuck Taggart for the link.
will we change??
will we finally get it? will we ever get it?? what is the fucking deal, people?? was responding to an email from one of my staff and realized that she is the ONLY person in my office who even mentioned the hurricane, and the sadness she felt over the aftermath. what the fuck is with people? "outta sight, outta mind"???
i hope your lives, and homes, and loved ones are never stricken by a tragedy like this one.
how come i care?
I think I expect way too much from humans.
will we finally get it? will we ever get it?? what is the fucking deal, people?? was responding to an email from one of my staff and realized that she is the ONLY person in my office who even mentioned the hurricane, and the sadness she felt over the aftermath. what the fuck is with people? "outta sight, outta mind"???
i hope your lives, and homes, and loved ones are never stricken by a tragedy like this one.
how come i care?
I think I expect way too much from humans.
more coverage
pics from Sigmund at directNIC.com.
"This is Sigmund Solares, I am the CEO of Intercosmos Media Group, Inc., the operators of directNIC.com in Downtown New Orleans. For the past week we have continued to operate our data center while just about everyone else has left."
more pics
blogs:
this rant from Steve at The News Blog. the dude's over the top, and, yet, right on. go ahead and splurge and read the comments, too -- they have a life of their own:
"Steve: I understand your anger, but this is not the time for finger pointing. It's the time for calm, moderate, actions like putting the entire Bush administration on a chain gang and sentencing them to clean the streets of NOLO on their hands and knees for the rest of the their miserable, ugly, wasteful lives."
"Citizen K, the only suggestion I would make to your proposal is that none of those incompetent fucks should be given brushes."
"DJ: You must be some bleeding heart liberal. The idea of giving those slimeballs brushes never crossed my mind."
"blamed everything but herpes on Bill Clinton
And they would have done that, too, had it not been for Neil Bush pretty well having the herpes franchise locked up."
Ray in Austin is covering the goings on.
The Interdictor, news straight from the ground.
pics from Sigmund at directNIC.com.
"This is Sigmund Solares, I am the CEO of Intercosmos Media Group, Inc., the operators of directNIC.com in Downtown New Orleans. For the past week we have continued to operate our data center while just about everyone else has left."
more pics
blogs:
this rant from Steve at The News Blog. the dude's over the top, and, yet, right on. go ahead and splurge and read the comments, too -- they have a life of their own:
"Steve: I understand your anger, but this is not the time for finger pointing. It's the time for calm, moderate, actions like putting the entire Bush administration on a chain gang and sentencing them to clean the streets of NOLO on their hands and knees for the rest of the their miserable, ugly, wasteful lives."
"Citizen K, the only suggestion I would make to your proposal is that none of those incompetent fucks should be given brushes."
"DJ: You must be some bleeding heart liberal. The idea of giving those slimeballs brushes never crossed my mind."
"blamed everything but herpes on Bill Clinton
And they would have done that, too, had it not been for Neil Bush pretty well having the herpes franchise locked up."
Ray in Austin is covering the goings on.
The Interdictor, news straight from the ground.
9.06.2005
mourning music
"During the disaster 700,000 people were displaced, including 330,000 African-Americans who were moved to 154 relief camps. Over 13,000 refugees near Greenville, Mississippi were gathered from area farms and evacuated to the crest of an unbroken levee, and stranded there for days without food or clean water, while boats arrived to evacuate white women and children. Many African-Americans were detained and forced to labor at gunpoint during flood relief efforts." -- Wikipedia entry on the floods of 1926-1927
Robert Russa Moton's report on the Treatment of Black Americans after the 1927 floods
Louisiana 1927
What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it starts to rain.
Rained real hard, it rained for a real long time,
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.
The river rose all day, the river rose all night.
Some people got lost in the flood,
Some people got away alright.
The river have busted through, clear down to Plaquemines --
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangelne.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a notepad in his hand.
The President say, "Little fat man, isn't it a shame? -
what the river has done to this poor crackers land."
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
-- Randy Newman
I Wish I Was in New Orleans
Well, I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams.
Arm-in-arm down Burgundy,
a bottle and my friends and me.
Hoist up a few tall cold ones
play some pool and listen to that
tenor saxophone calling me home.
And I can hear the band begin
"When the Saints Go Marching In."
By the whiskers on my chin
New Orleans, I'll be there.
I'll drink you under the table
be red nose, go for walks,
the old haunts, what I wants
is red beans and rice.
And wear the dress I like so well
and meet me at the old saloon.
Make sure there's a Dixie moon
New Orleans, I'll be there.
And deal the cards, roll the dice,
if it ain't that ol' Chuck E. Weiss
and Clayborn Avenue, me and you,
Sam Jones and all --
And I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams.
Arm-in-arm down Burgundy,
a bottle and my friends and me,
New Orleans, I'll be there.
-- Tom Waits
"During the disaster 700,000 people were displaced, including 330,000 African-Americans who were moved to 154 relief camps. Over 13,000 refugees near Greenville, Mississippi were gathered from area farms and evacuated to the crest of an unbroken levee, and stranded there for days without food or clean water, while boats arrived to evacuate white women and children. Many African-Americans were detained and forced to labor at gunpoint during flood relief efforts." -- Wikipedia entry on the floods of 1926-1927
Robert Russa Moton's report on the Treatment of Black Americans after the 1927 floods
Louisiana 1927
What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it starts to rain.
Rained real hard, it rained for a real long time,
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.
The river rose all day, the river rose all night.
Some people got lost in the flood,
Some people got away alright.
The river have busted through, clear down to Plaquemines --
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangelne.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a notepad in his hand.
The President say, "Little fat man, isn't it a shame? -
what the river has done to this poor crackers land."
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
Louisiana, Louisiana --
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away,
They're tryin' to wash us away.
-- Randy Newman
I Wish I Was in New Orleans
Well, I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams.
Arm-in-arm down Burgundy,
a bottle and my friends and me.
Hoist up a few tall cold ones
play some pool and listen to that
tenor saxophone calling me home.
And I can hear the band begin
"When the Saints Go Marching In."
By the whiskers on my chin
New Orleans, I'll be there.
I'll drink you under the table
be red nose, go for walks,
the old haunts, what I wants
is red beans and rice.
And wear the dress I like so well
and meet me at the old saloon.
Make sure there's a Dixie moon
New Orleans, I'll be there.
And deal the cards, roll the dice,
if it ain't that ol' Chuck E. Weiss
and Clayborn Avenue, me and you,
Sam Jones and all --
And I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams.
Arm-in-arm down Burgundy,
a bottle and my friends and me,
New Orleans, I'll be there.
-- Tom Waits
9.03.2005
bring it
here we go. cleveland's dennis kucinich:
maybe we're waking up.
here we go. cleveland's dennis kucinich:
“The President said an hour ago that the Gulf Coast looks like it has been obliterated by a weapon. It has. Indifference is a weapon of mass destruction."and, by any chance did you see this??
maybe we're waking up.
9.02.2005
heartbreaking, infuriating
heartbreaking.
New Orleans Mayor Ron Nagin, interviewed on the radio on 9/1/2005 (stream / transcript).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
infuriating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake of the Flood
By William Rivers Pitt
t r u t h o u t | Perspective
Friday 02 September 2005
This will come as no surprise, but columnist Molly Ivins has again nailed it to the wall. "Government policies have real consequences in people's lives," Ivins wrote in her Thursday column. "This is not 'just politics' or blaming for political advantage. This is about the real consequences of what governments do and do not do about their responsibilities. And about who winds up paying the price for those policies."
Try this timeline on for size. In January of 2001, George W. Bush appointed Texas crony Joe Allbaugh to head FEMA, despite the fact that Allbaugh had exactly zero experience in disaster management. By April of 2001, the Bush administration announced that much of FEMA's work would be privatized and downsized. Allbaugh that month described FEMA as, "an oversized entitlement program."
In December 2002, Allbaugh quit as head of FEMA to create a consulting firm whose purpose was to advise and assist companies looking to do business in occupied Iraq. He was replaced by Michael D. Brown, whose experience in disaster management was gathered while working as an estate planning lawyer in Colorado, and while serving as counsel for the International Arabian Horse Association legal department. In other words, Bush chose back-to-back FEMA heads whose collective ability to work that position could fit inside a thimble with room to spare.
By March of 2003, FEMA was no longer a Cabinet-level position, and was folded into the Department of Homeland Security. Its primary mission was recast towards fighting acts of terrorism. In June of 2004, the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for levee construction in New Orleans was cut by a record $71.2 million. Jefferson Parish emergency management chief Walter Maestri said at the time, "It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the price we pay."
And then the storm came, and the sea rose, and the levees failed. Filthy sewage-laced water began to fill the bowl of New Orleans. Tens of thousands of poor people who did not have the resources to flee the storm became trapped in a slowly deteriorating city without food, water or electricity. The entire nation has since been glued to their televisions, watching footage of an apocalyptic human tragedy unfold before their eyes. Anyone who has put gasoline in their car since Tuesday has come to know what happens when the port that handles 40% of our national petroleum distribution becomes unusable.
And the response? "Bush mugs for the cameras," says Kevin Drum of The Washington Monthly, "cuts a cake for John McCain, plays the guitar for Mark Wills, delivers an address about V-J day, and continues with his vacation. When he finally gets around to acknowledging the scope of the unfolding disaster, he delivers only a photo op on Air Force One and a flat, defensive, laundry list speech in the Rose Garden."
Newsweek described it this way: "For all the president's statements ahead of the hurricane, the region seemed woefully unprepared for the flooding of New Orleans - a catastrophe that has long been predicted by experts and politicians alike. [see also here] There seems to have been no contingency planning for a total evacuation of the city, including the final refuges of the city's Superdome and its hospitals. There were no supplies of food and water ready offshore - on Navy ships for instance - in the event of such flooding, even though government officials knew there were thousands of people stranded inside the sweltering and powerless city."
Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert twisted the knife on Thursday by bluntly suggesting that we should not bother rebuilding the city of New Orleans. "It doesn't make sense to me," Hastert said to the Daily Herald in suburban Chicago. "And it's a question that certainly we should ask. We help replace, we help relieve disaster. But I think federal insurance and everything that goes along with it ... we ought to take a second look at that." This sentiment was echoed by the Republican-American newspaper out of Waterbury, CT: "If the people of New Orleans and other low-lying areas insist on living in harm's way, they ought to accept responsibility for what happens to them and their property."
This is it, right here, right now. This is the Bush administration in a nutshell.
The decision to invade Iraq based on lies has left the federal government's budget woefully, and I daresay deliberately, unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude, despite the fact that decades worth of warnings have been put forth about what would happen to New Orleans should a storm like this hit. Louisiana National Guard soldiers and equipment, such as high-water Humvees for example, are sitting today in Iraq while hundreds or even thousands die because there are not enough hands to reach out and pull them from the water. FEMA - downsized, redirected, budget-slashed and incompetently led - has thus far failed utterly to cope with the scope of the catastrophe.
Actions have consequences. What you see on your television today is not some wild accident, but is a disaster that could have been averted had the priorities of this government been more in line with the needs of the people it pretends to serve. The city of New Orleans, home to so much of the culture that makes America unique and beautiful, is today drowning underneath an avalanche of polluted, diseased water. This, simply, did not have to happen.
Remember that the next time you hear Bush talk about noble causes, national priorities and responsibility. This has been an administration of death, disaster, fear and woe. The whole pack of them should be run out of Washington on a rail. Better yet, they should be air-dropped into the center of New Orleans and made to see and smell and touch and taste the newest disaster they have helped to create.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
William Rivers Pitt is a New York Times and internationally
bestselling author of two books: War on Iraq: What Team Bush Doesn't Want You to Know and The Greatest Sedition Is Silence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
heartbreaking.
New Orleans Mayor Ron Nagin, interviewed on the radio on 9/1/2005 (stream / transcript).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
infuriating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake of the Flood
By William Rivers Pitt
t r u t h o u t | Perspective
Friday 02 September 2005
All last night sat on the levee and moaned,
All last night sat on the levee and moaned,
Thinkin' about my baby and my happy home.
-- Led Zeppelin, "When the Levee Breaks"
This will come as no surprise, but columnist Molly Ivins has again nailed it to the wall. "Government policies have real consequences in people's lives," Ivins wrote in her Thursday column. "This is not 'just politics' or blaming for political advantage. This is about the real consequences of what governments do and do not do about their responsibilities. And about who winds up paying the price for those policies."
Try this timeline on for size. In January of 2001, George W. Bush appointed Texas crony Joe Allbaugh to head FEMA, despite the fact that Allbaugh had exactly zero experience in disaster management. By April of 2001, the Bush administration announced that much of FEMA's work would be privatized and downsized. Allbaugh that month described FEMA as, "an oversized entitlement program."
In December 2002, Allbaugh quit as head of FEMA to create a consulting firm whose purpose was to advise and assist companies looking to do business in occupied Iraq. He was replaced by Michael D. Brown, whose experience in disaster management was gathered while working as an estate planning lawyer in Colorado, and while serving as counsel for the International Arabian Horse Association legal department. In other words, Bush chose back-to-back FEMA heads whose collective ability to work that position could fit inside a thimble with room to spare.
By March of 2003, FEMA was no longer a Cabinet-level position, and was folded into the Department of Homeland Security. Its primary mission was recast towards fighting acts of terrorism. In June of 2004, the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for levee construction in New Orleans was cut by a record $71.2 million. Jefferson Parish emergency management chief Walter Maestri said at the time, "It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the price we pay."
And then the storm came, and the sea rose, and the levees failed. Filthy sewage-laced water began to fill the bowl of New Orleans. Tens of thousands of poor people who did not have the resources to flee the storm became trapped in a slowly deteriorating city without food, water or electricity. The entire nation has since been glued to their televisions, watching footage of an apocalyptic human tragedy unfold before their eyes. Anyone who has put gasoline in their car since Tuesday has come to know what happens when the port that handles 40% of our national petroleum distribution becomes unusable.
And the response? "Bush mugs for the cameras," says Kevin Drum of The Washington Monthly, "cuts a cake for John McCain, plays the guitar for Mark Wills, delivers an address about V-J day, and continues with his vacation. When he finally gets around to acknowledging the scope of the unfolding disaster, he delivers only a photo op on Air Force One and a flat, defensive, laundry list speech in the Rose Garden."
Newsweek described it this way: "For all the president's statements ahead of the hurricane, the region seemed woefully unprepared for the flooding of New Orleans - a catastrophe that has long been predicted by experts and politicians alike. [see also here] There seems to have been no contingency planning for a total evacuation of the city, including the final refuges of the city's Superdome and its hospitals. There were no supplies of food and water ready offshore - on Navy ships for instance - in the event of such flooding, even though government officials knew there were thousands of people stranded inside the sweltering and powerless city."
Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert twisted the knife on Thursday by bluntly suggesting that we should not bother rebuilding the city of New Orleans. "It doesn't make sense to me," Hastert said to the Daily Herald in suburban Chicago. "And it's a question that certainly we should ask. We help replace, we help relieve disaster. But I think federal insurance and everything that goes along with it ... we ought to take a second look at that." This sentiment was echoed by the Republican-American newspaper out of Waterbury, CT: "If the people of New Orleans and other low-lying areas insist on living in harm's way, they ought to accept responsibility for what happens to them and their property."
This is it, right here, right now. This is the Bush administration in a nutshell.
The decision to invade Iraq based on lies has left the federal government's budget woefully, and I daresay deliberately, unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude, despite the fact that decades worth of warnings have been put forth about what would happen to New Orleans should a storm like this hit. Louisiana National Guard soldiers and equipment, such as high-water Humvees for example, are sitting today in Iraq while hundreds or even thousands die because there are not enough hands to reach out and pull them from the water. FEMA - downsized, redirected, budget-slashed and incompetently led - has thus far failed utterly to cope with the scope of the catastrophe.
Actions have consequences. What you see on your television today is not some wild accident, but is a disaster that could have been averted had the priorities of this government been more in line with the needs of the people it pretends to serve. The city of New Orleans, home to so much of the culture that makes America unique and beautiful, is today drowning underneath an avalanche of polluted, diseased water. This, simply, did not have to happen.
Remember that the next time you hear Bush talk about noble causes, national priorities and responsibility. This has been an administration of death, disaster, fear and woe. The whole pack of them should be run out of Washington on a rail. Better yet, they should be air-dropped into the center of New Orleans and made to see and smell and touch and taste the newest disaster they have helped to create.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
William Rivers Pitt is a New York Times and internationally
bestselling author of two books: War on Iraq: What Team Bush Doesn't Want You to Know and The Greatest Sedition Is Silence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
bless them all
this is the difference between sad and pathetic. the tragic aftermath of katrina is wearing me down. i haven't felt this sad and distracted since 9|11. for anyone who's followed my saga for the past months -- this feeling makes more clear what i was experiencing when i was dealing with the brunt of my heartbreak of last winter -- that was pathetic. a sort of weak, self-pitying, ugly state of mind. miserable, yes, but nothing like this feeling.
a feeling of overwhelming loss. of connection. of awe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WGUS84 KLIX 021902
FLSLIX
LAC051-071-031845-
FLOOD STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS-BATON ROUGE LA
ISSUED BY NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE MOBILE AL
200 PM CDT FRI SEP 2 2005
...WATER LEVELS IN NEW ORLEANS HAVE STABILIZED...
...UNPRECEDENTED FLOODING WILL CONTINUE IN THE NEW ORLEANS AREA FOR
THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE...
OFFICIAL REPORTS CONTINUE TO INDICATE THAT NEW ORLEANS WATER LEVELS
HAVE STABILIZED. HOWEVER...CATASTROPHIC FLOODING CONTINUES OVER A
LARGE PART OF THE GREATER NEW ORLEANS AREA.
OBVIOUSLY...THE FLOODING IS NOT LIMITED ONLY TO THE CITY OF NEW
ORLEANS. AREA RIVER FLOOD INFORMATION (INCLUDING SOUTHEASTERN
MISSISSIPPI) IS BEING PASSED ALONG IN THE PRODUCTS NEWFLWLIX AND
BHMFLWMOB. THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE OFFICE IN MOBILE ALABAMA IS
ALSO UPDATING THE NEW ORLEANS AREA FLOOD SITUATION VIA THE DAILY
HAZARDOUS WEATHER OUTLOOK PRODUCT NEWHWOLIX.
IN THE EVENT THAT A SITUATION ARISES FOR A CIVIL EMERGENCY MESSAGE
...PLEASE SEE THE PRODUCT NEWCEMLIX.
THIS PRODUCT WILL BE UPDATED APPROXIMATELY EVERY 12 TO 24 HOURS...OR
IMMEDIATELY ...IF LATE BREAKING FLOOD INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.
MEDLIN
$$
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's all so awful. i was on this page, and i was clicking on the various links to parish information. they're frozen -- if you can get to a page at all, it's stopped in time -- the last updates happened before katrina struck.
calendars still show events scheduled for the rest of the year.
no one alive ever expects life to change immeasurably, to be transformed so completely, so terribly, in so little time.
it reminds me too much of the days and weeks immediately following 9|11. you click on a link to a site you used to visit, and you get that error message, which you typically can ignore. if you didn't know any better, you'd just think the server was down.
but now, you get it. and you can see images. the server's down, alright. it's gone. the building it was in is gone. everything's wet, or crushed, or covered in water, completely submerged. it's awful. destroyed. uprooted.
schools are closed "until further notice."
it's all too awful.
this is the difference between sad and pathetic. the tragic aftermath of katrina is wearing me down. i haven't felt this sad and distracted since 9|11. for anyone who's followed my saga for the past months -- this feeling makes more clear what i was experiencing when i was dealing with the brunt of my heartbreak of last winter -- that was pathetic. a sort of weak, self-pitying, ugly state of mind. miserable, yes, but nothing like this feeling.
a feeling of overwhelming loss. of connection. of awe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WGUS84 KLIX 021902
FLSLIX
LAC051-071-031845-
FLOOD STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS-BATON ROUGE LA
ISSUED BY NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE MOBILE AL
200 PM CDT FRI SEP 2 2005
...WATER LEVELS IN NEW ORLEANS HAVE STABILIZED...
...UNPRECEDENTED FLOODING WILL CONTINUE IN THE NEW ORLEANS AREA FOR
THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE...
OFFICIAL REPORTS CONTINUE TO INDICATE THAT NEW ORLEANS WATER LEVELS
HAVE STABILIZED. HOWEVER...CATASTROPHIC FLOODING CONTINUES OVER A
LARGE PART OF THE GREATER NEW ORLEANS AREA.
OBVIOUSLY...THE FLOODING IS NOT LIMITED ONLY TO THE CITY OF NEW
ORLEANS. AREA RIVER FLOOD INFORMATION (INCLUDING SOUTHEASTERN
MISSISSIPPI) IS BEING PASSED ALONG IN THE PRODUCTS NEWFLWLIX AND
BHMFLWMOB. THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE OFFICE IN MOBILE ALABAMA IS
ALSO UPDATING THE NEW ORLEANS AREA FLOOD SITUATION VIA THE DAILY
HAZARDOUS WEATHER OUTLOOK PRODUCT NEWHWOLIX.
IN THE EVENT THAT A SITUATION ARISES FOR A CIVIL EMERGENCY MESSAGE
...PLEASE SEE THE PRODUCT NEWCEMLIX.
THIS PRODUCT WILL BE UPDATED APPROXIMATELY EVERY 12 TO 24 HOURS...OR
IMMEDIATELY ...IF LATE BREAKING FLOOD INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.
MEDLIN
$$
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's all so awful. i was on this page, and i was clicking on the various links to parish information. they're frozen -- if you can get to a page at all, it's stopped in time -- the last updates happened before katrina struck.
calendars still show events scheduled for the rest of the year.
no one alive ever expects life to change immeasurably, to be transformed so completely, so terribly, in so little time.
it reminds me too much of the days and weeks immediately following 9|11. you click on a link to a site you used to visit, and you get that error message, which you typically can ignore. if you didn't know any better, you'd just think the server was down.
but now, you get it. and you can see images. the server's down, alright. it's gone. the building it was in is gone. everything's wet, or crushed, or covered in water, completely submerged. it's awful. destroyed. uprooted.
schools are closed "until further notice."
it's all too awful.
9.01.2005
katrina, correspondences
On 8/31/05, someone wrote:
"Some of you may have seen this, but for those of you that haven't, here is a tale of two pictures. This really pisses me off. Read the captions.
black
white
Regardless of the fact that much of the "looting" going on in New Orleans is purely just to, you know, SURVIVE, to me, this just adds to the problem. It implies, if you're white, it's "finding bread in a grocery store", but if you're black, it's "looting". Words are powerful weapons, and in a tragedy of such proportions, the problem of "looting" should be low on the priority list. People, of all races, and all creeds, etc., are in a "liquid hell" right now, as water keeps pouring into an overflowing bowl called New Orleans. There is no drinkable water, food is very scarce, and thousands of people are trapped, just trying to survive. That's the story here. Not trying to draw up racial stereotyping through journalism.
I watched on CNN today as a (white) reporter was asking someone (who was African-American) why they were taking food from a store. At first they didn't answer. Then the reporter self-righteously asked, "Don't you know that stealing is wrong?" Then the person answered, "I'm just trying to survive. I have eaten in two days, and I'm hungry."
Yes, taking appliances in a disaster like this could be defined as looting. But it seems to me that people taking food, bottled water, and clothes from stores, are trying to SURVIVE. The realities and niceties of "modern society" and "civilization" are on temporary hiatus, as the city of New Orleans slowly sinks underwater, and any hope of help or rescue is uncertain at best. Are there members the media really holier-than-thou, that they would on principle, starve to death, rather than take a food from an abandoned grocery store, to live, because stealing is 'wrong'?"
someone else wrote:
"'....the Mayor has now pulled 1500 police off of search and rescue and ordered them to restore order. Whatever that means.
Order in the midst of starvation and crisis. This is a disaster and pretty poor reflection on all of this Homeland Security junk that billions have been spent on. These plans don't have evacuation procedures, or don't the procedures include the poor?...
...What can we do about this? Do we just have to sit here and be angry and cry (like me). How do we make a difference and be heard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my response:
We're all feeling the impact of this tragedy. It's an awful, awful thing.
If I may say something: One of the many lessons I learned when our nation went through its last tragedy was that it does no good to add to the outrage, regardless of one's intentions. When people are suffering, they need help and support. Everything else is irrelevant.
Do what you can do and what you need to do. In the weeks and months after 9|11, I remember my own absolute -- I don't know what to call it -- confusion, disbelief, shock -- at how many people I met and talked to at the time really didn't seem to feel anything at all. Their experience appeared to me to be limited to understanding that our nation had been attacked, that many people had died, and that it was a shame -- but that it was over, so let's get on with life. To this day, I don't know if this behavior was some form of denial -- an emotional shield instinctively erected by their subconscious to protect them from the sheer pain and sorrow of the event -- or whether they were too caught up in their own lives at the time, or whether they just didn't know how to talk about it, or whether they'd never dealt personally with any kind of emotional trauma, or whether I lack some normal set of filters that would otherwise have given me the tools to process it differently, some might say "normally" -- I don't know.
What I know: About a month after the attacks, I went to New York. I walked the streets. I saw the signs. I breathed the air, which still smelled like wet, burnt newspaper. It helped me to see the people of the city, bravely moving on, facing the days after, carrying on despite knowing that their city, and their lives, had been changed irreparably forever. I saw the sorrow and the loss in the faces of the police who were guarding the perimeters, trying to keep order so workers and volunteers could do their critical and terrible jobs, and to protect a massive crime scene. I saw the site from blocks away, and I cried. I left flowers, and I paid my respects. It didn't help anything, but it helped me.
When I got back, some of the people I told about my experience couldn't understand why anyone would go to the site. I didn't understand them then, and I still don't understand them now. Theirs was not my experience; it took me months to stop feeling the pain, to stop obsessively following the news, and about two years to stop actively grieving. But I still feel it. And I like to think that I carry some pieces of some of those lost souls with me, that by being there, by paying witness and breathing the air, that I helped them to move on.
As for the media: remember who we're dealing with, and what their objective is. Sure, they deserve criticism -- but no more today than any other day. Remember that they don't really care if they offend you, or piss you off -- as long as they have your eyes, they have achieved their objective. No amount of reporters and cameras can come close to conveying the extent of what is happening. There is simply too much. There are too many people, there are too many stories. If you're truly interested, fortunately, there are lots of alternative sources of information available (search Google for blogs related to Katrina, for starters). I merely wish to suggest that you try -- hard as it is -- *not* to have your true feelings influenced by the words and images you see and hear in the media -- because it is only a part of the story. A small, small, detached and diluted part.
Hang in there. We're Americans. God bless our brothers and sisters as they face this mess.
Namaste.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a response to me from the initial correspondent:
"Very well said. Very well said, indeed. Yes, as many of you know, it doesn't take much to set my outrage alarm off. And yesterday, as with 9/11, I was in full outrage mode, at the media, which as you rightly point out, is only bits and pieces of the full picture. The full picture is a catastrophe of literally "unbelievable" proportions. Even now, whatever picture I have in mind, is probably only half as terrifying, half as harrowing, and half as horrible as the real-life struggles of thousands of people going on in the Gulf States as we speak.
As to what can be done, you are right. Do what you can. I don't know what I can do personally to help all the people affected, (Realistically I know I can't help everyone), but I can only concentrate on what I can do to help. I donated some money to the Red Cross. I will probably do so next week, or in a few weeks. If the call comes for canned food and water, I will send what I can. That's all I can do in the end.
Despite my Don-Quixote-like proclamations, there are times I can see reality staring at me in the face. This is one of those times. I'm not Superman, I'm just [me]. It's tough enough being me, so all I can do is help out the best I can with the talents and resources available to me. My heart and my soul weeps for the thousands of people who lost their lives, who are hurt, and who are struggling through what seems like something out a post-apocalyptic movie. I am with them in spirit, and I know that's not enough, but it's what I can do. So that's what I'll try to do.
I can carry my outrage at certain things with me, but what this boils down to is a human tragedy, and a trial of the human spirit in general. Humanity can be a great and terrible thing. Let's hope that out of this tragedy, ultimately, the greatness of the human spirit, and love, and generosity will rule the day over the terribleness and destructiveness part of the human spirit.
Despite what's going on in our country today, I still believe in the fundamental belief that humanity, despite all its flaws, it at its core an agent for justice and love. So I'll do what I can, and keep that fire of belief in my heart that the goodness of humanity will shine through, and ultimately help everyone recover and rebuild from this terrible tragedy.
Peace."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
would that all dialogues ended this way.
On 8/31/05, someone wrote:
"Some of you may have seen this, but for those of you that haven't, here is a tale of two pictures. This really pisses me off. Read the captions.
black
white
Regardless of the fact that much of the "looting" going on in New Orleans is purely just to, you know, SURVIVE, to me, this just adds to the problem. It implies, if you're white, it's "finding bread in a grocery store", but if you're black, it's "looting". Words are powerful weapons, and in a tragedy of such proportions, the problem of "looting" should be low on the priority list. People, of all races, and all creeds, etc., are in a "liquid hell" right now, as water keeps pouring into an overflowing bowl called New Orleans. There is no drinkable water, food is very scarce, and thousands of people are trapped, just trying to survive. That's the story here. Not trying to draw up racial stereotyping through journalism.
I watched on CNN today as a (white) reporter was asking someone (who was African-American) why they were taking food from a store. At first they didn't answer. Then the reporter self-righteously asked, "Don't you know that stealing is wrong?" Then the person answered, "I'm just trying to survive. I have eaten in two days, and I'm hungry."
Yes, taking appliances in a disaster like this could be defined as looting. But it seems to me that people taking food, bottled water, and clothes from stores, are trying to SURVIVE. The realities and niceties of "modern society" and "civilization" are on temporary hiatus, as the city of New Orleans slowly sinks underwater, and any hope of help or rescue is uncertain at best. Are there members the media really holier-than-thou, that they would on principle, starve to death, rather than take a food from an abandoned grocery store, to live, because stealing is 'wrong'?"
someone else wrote:
"'....the Mayor has now pulled 1500 police off of search and rescue and ordered them to restore order. Whatever that means.
Order in the midst of starvation and crisis. This is a disaster and pretty poor reflection on all of this Homeland Security junk that billions have been spent on. These plans don't have evacuation procedures, or don't the procedures include the poor?...
...What can we do about this? Do we just have to sit here and be angry and cry (like me). How do we make a difference and be heard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my response:
We're all feeling the impact of this tragedy. It's an awful, awful thing.
If I may say something: One of the many lessons I learned when our nation went through its last tragedy was that it does no good to add to the outrage, regardless of one's intentions. When people are suffering, they need help and support. Everything else is irrelevant.
Do what you can do and what you need to do. In the weeks and months after 9|11, I remember my own absolute -- I don't know what to call it -- confusion, disbelief, shock -- at how many people I met and talked to at the time really didn't seem to feel anything at all. Their experience appeared to me to be limited to understanding that our nation had been attacked, that many people had died, and that it was a shame -- but that it was over, so let's get on with life. To this day, I don't know if this behavior was some form of denial -- an emotional shield instinctively erected by their subconscious to protect them from the sheer pain and sorrow of the event -- or whether they were too caught up in their own lives at the time, or whether they just didn't know how to talk about it, or whether they'd never dealt personally with any kind of emotional trauma, or whether I lack some normal set of filters that would otherwise have given me the tools to process it differently, some might say "normally" -- I don't know.
What I know: About a month after the attacks, I went to New York. I walked the streets. I saw the signs. I breathed the air, which still smelled like wet, burnt newspaper. It helped me to see the people of the city, bravely moving on, facing the days after, carrying on despite knowing that their city, and their lives, had been changed irreparably forever. I saw the sorrow and the loss in the faces of the police who were guarding the perimeters, trying to keep order so workers and volunteers could do their critical and terrible jobs, and to protect a massive crime scene. I saw the site from blocks away, and I cried. I left flowers, and I paid my respects. It didn't help anything, but it helped me.
When I got back, some of the people I told about my experience couldn't understand why anyone would go to the site. I didn't understand them then, and I still don't understand them now. Theirs was not my experience; it took me months to stop feeling the pain, to stop obsessively following the news, and about two years to stop actively grieving. But I still feel it. And I like to think that I carry some pieces of some of those lost souls with me, that by being there, by paying witness and breathing the air, that I helped them to move on.
As for the media: remember who we're dealing with, and what their objective is. Sure, they deserve criticism -- but no more today than any other day. Remember that they don't really care if they offend you, or piss you off -- as long as they have your eyes, they have achieved their objective. No amount of reporters and cameras can come close to conveying the extent of what is happening. There is simply too much. There are too many people, there are too many stories. If you're truly interested, fortunately, there are lots of alternative sources of information available (search Google for blogs related to Katrina, for starters). I merely wish to suggest that you try -- hard as it is -- *not* to have your true feelings influenced by the words and images you see and hear in the media -- because it is only a part of the story. A small, small, detached and diluted part.
Hang in there. We're Americans. God bless our brothers and sisters as they face this mess.
Namaste.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a response to me from the initial correspondent:
"Very well said. Very well said, indeed. Yes, as many of you know, it doesn't take much to set my outrage alarm off. And yesterday, as with 9/11, I was in full outrage mode, at the media, which as you rightly point out, is only bits and pieces of the full picture. The full picture is a catastrophe of literally "unbelievable" proportions. Even now, whatever picture I have in mind, is probably only half as terrifying, half as harrowing, and half as horrible as the real-life struggles of thousands of people going on in the Gulf States as we speak.
As to what can be done, you are right. Do what you can. I don't know what I can do personally to help all the people affected, (Realistically I know I can't help everyone), but I can only concentrate on what I can do to help. I donated some money to the Red Cross. I will probably do so next week, or in a few weeks. If the call comes for canned food and water, I will send what I can. That's all I can do in the end.
Despite my Don-Quixote-like proclamations, there are times I can see reality staring at me in the face. This is one of those times. I'm not Superman, I'm just [me]. It's tough enough being me, so all I can do is help out the best I can with the talents and resources available to me. My heart and my soul weeps for the thousands of people who lost their lives, who are hurt, and who are struggling through what seems like something out a post-apocalyptic movie. I am with them in spirit, and I know that's not enough, but it's what I can do. So that's what I'll try to do.
I can carry my outrage at certain things with me, but what this boils down to is a human tragedy, and a trial of the human spirit in general. Humanity can be a great and terrible thing. Let's hope that out of this tragedy, ultimately, the greatness of the human spirit, and love, and generosity will rule the day over the terribleness and destructiveness part of the human spirit.
Despite what's going on in our country today, I still believe in the fundamental belief that humanity, despite all its flaws, it at its core an agent for justice and love. So I'll do what I can, and keep that fire of belief in my heart that the goodness of humanity will shine through, and ultimately help everyone recover and rebuild from this terrible tragedy.
Peace."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
would that all dialogues ended this way.
8.24.2005
a letter from my unconscious
Cypriot!
*where are you?!?!* i don't even know why we are together, but we are, on a train to moscow. we arrive, and have tickets to see the opera. as soon as we get off the train, you disappear, with your camera. it is foggy and damp. i find my ticket in my pocket, and worry because the stub is already torn off. but i have both parts and they let me in. it's not the opera, though -- it's tori amos, playing with someone else, to a young crowd. in the middle of a song, people start joining the band onstage, two at a time, and vomiting. it is the strangest thing i have ever seen, and i leave. outside the auditorium, people are wandering around in puke-splashed clothes. the smell is awful. i don't know where our room is, but some guy tells me and i go there. your things are there, but you are gone. i pick up your phone, and see that it is full of txt msgs to men i don't know, telling them how you love them, describing some location where you say you will "make it my base, and i will soul and mate from here." what is wrong with you, i wonder? why are you so callous towards me? why did you come here with me if you didn't want to be with me?
i don't know what to do. i think that i will take your phone, throw it into the cold river, and when you return looking for it, i will tell you i don't know anything about it. we were supposed to see the onion-shaped rooftops together. and now you are gone again.
Cypriot!
*where are you?!?!* i don't even know why we are together, but we are, on a train to moscow. we arrive, and have tickets to see the opera. as soon as we get off the train, you disappear, with your camera. it is foggy and damp. i find my ticket in my pocket, and worry because the stub is already torn off. but i have both parts and they let me in. it's not the opera, though -- it's tori amos, playing with someone else, to a young crowd. in the middle of a song, people start joining the band onstage, two at a time, and vomiting. it is the strangest thing i have ever seen, and i leave. outside the auditorium, people are wandering around in puke-splashed clothes. the smell is awful. i don't know where our room is, but some guy tells me and i go there. your things are there, but you are gone. i pick up your phone, and see that it is full of txt msgs to men i don't know, telling them how you love them, describing some location where you say you will "make it my base, and i will soul and mate from here." what is wrong with you, i wonder? why are you so callous towards me? why did you come here with me if you didn't want to be with me?
i don't know what to do. i think that i will take your phone, throw it into the cold river, and when you return looking for it, i will tell you i don't know anything about it. we were supposed to see the onion-shaped rooftops together. and now you are gone again.
8.23.2005
more horsocopic visions....
ya know, this shit rings true enough -- but it doesn't make my existence any easier.
8/23/05
Thank goodness for types like you -- you've never been afraid to be different, and it's just that quality that will help you get your radical ideas implemented. Others might be afraid to change, but you're something of a visionary and you can see which way the tide is turning before just about anyone else. You stand apart from the pack in your ability to think ahead and think about what will make things better in the long run.
8/22/05
You're rebellious, you're quirky, you're eccentric, and one of the things you're most eccentric about is your unwavering commitment on how to make this world a better place. To you it's not a corny or impractical sentiment at all, but an endlessly fascinating puzzle to be tackled over and over again. Right now you've got innovative ideas aplenty on how to improve things for everyone here on this tiny blue marble.
so, yeah -- yee-ha for people like me.
ya know, this shit rings true enough -- but it doesn't make my existence any easier.
8/23/05
Thank goodness for types like you -- you've never been afraid to be different, and it's just that quality that will help you get your radical ideas implemented. Others might be afraid to change, but you're something of a visionary and you can see which way the tide is turning before just about anyone else. You stand apart from the pack in your ability to think ahead and think about what will make things better in the long run.
8/22/05
You're rebellious, you're quirky, you're eccentric, and one of the things you're most eccentric about is your unwavering commitment on how to make this world a better place. To you it's not a corny or impractical sentiment at all, but an endlessly fascinating puzzle to be tackled over and over again. Right now you've got innovative ideas aplenty on how to improve things for everyone here on this tiny blue marble.
so, yeah -- yee-ha for people like me.
8.01.2005
being single
i don't think i ask for much. at 43, i know what i want, and what i don't want. it's the downside to being experienced, i suppose. a confession: i've never slept with anyone who i wasn't attracted to; i've only slept with a few women who i didn't care deeply for. and i've apparently never experienced that anything-on-two-legs level of horniness. i do care what you look like. i don't do the bag over the head thing. call me superficial, but i'm only being honest. and i want the same.
i want honesty in a nice package. seems a fair request: a pretty woman with a brain. (some fine examples here and here. - ed.)
but let's define pretty, because it's apparently a more subjective term than i thought. pretty is: nice hair, nice feet, interesting eyes, nice body, nice voice. good limbs. intelligent. good teeth. honest smile.
pretty is not: a sweet face on a super-sized body. an obnoxious laugh. bad teeth. bad hair. bad shoes. dressing like a mom. not dressing your age. an annoying voice. a nice personality in a road-weary package. sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.
so -- i'll continue playing with online dating sites. but i want pics before dates. and if you really really don't have one -- shame on you! -- you still might be able to coax me out to meet you, but don't be surprised if i want really specific answers to questions about your appearance beforehand. i'm just meeting too many nice people who i'm not attracted to. not that there's anything wrong with that, but i'm not made of money, and if i'm gonna take the time to come out and buy you dinner or a few upscale beverages, i'd at least like to enjoy watching you enjoy it. it's only fair.
eeh. i can hear the whining already. cut it out. i'm not hiding anything. i like pretty women. it's a preference. we all have them. clickage results from a mutually pleasurable interaction of respective preferences.
weekend notes
worked the county fair from 5-8 friday and saturday. i kinda look forward to fair season, though i may have outgrown it. it is what it is, i suppose. the busty babes still turn out, though it turns out they're mostly of mid-puberty age, and those of a more appropriate vintage tend to fall in three categories: coupled; single, but kid-laden; or white trash. oh well.
dancer notes
hung out with R. and D. a bit on saturday after the fair. place was kinda dead, but was nice to see them. the new barmaid t. seems to be warming up. R. was taking it easy, and D. wasn't drinking at all, but they were in good spirits. some guy who goes by "moon" dropped in -- a hardcore biker making his saturday night rounds of the watering holes.
one of the bouncers had to carry a. out and take her home. a's a gorgeous 18-yr-old dancer -- been there a few months. so full of energy that the other girls call her "spunky." spunky's all energy and muscle -- but for the past week or so, she's really looked like hell (for her, that is -- your average girl would still look drop-dead gorgeous if she looked anything like a.). i asked her how she was feeling, and she said she knew her sugar was low -- apparently she's diabetic. said she hasn't been sleeping well, or eating right -- no time to buy groceries, she said, so she sleeps half the day and when she wakes up, eats junk food. it's sad. she's apparently taking care of her whole family, because mom's a lost cause, or something. not that a's without her own challenges; D. mentioned that his kids are so bad about doing dishes that they only have paper plates and styrofoam cups in the house, and a. told a story about how she won't do dishes -- as a kid, her mom tried to make her do them, and she chose instead to smash plates and glasses at the wall to get rid of them instead of washing them. anyway, she stopped by to say hi, and i told her she looked tired, and she told me she felt like she was gonna pass out, and i told her i hoped she felt better, and she gave me a nice hug, kissed me on the cheek and said "thanks." about an hour later, she passed out in the dressing room. i hope she's ok.
heard that another dancer's mom's house burned down, apparently. like most of them, c's hot as hell, but a complete train wreck -- numerous kids without daddies, substance abuse, irresponsible -- the whole nine yards. i don't know how these girls are going to make it out of their 20's, let alone their 30's.
i don't think i ask for much. at 43, i know what i want, and what i don't want. it's the downside to being experienced, i suppose. a confession: i've never slept with anyone who i wasn't attracted to; i've only slept with a few women who i didn't care deeply for. and i've apparently never experienced that anything-on-two-legs level of horniness. i do care what you look like. i don't do the bag over the head thing. call me superficial, but i'm only being honest. and i want the same.
i want honesty in a nice package. seems a fair request: a pretty woman with a brain. (some fine examples here and here. - ed.)
but let's define pretty, because it's apparently a more subjective term than i thought. pretty is: nice hair, nice feet, interesting eyes, nice body, nice voice. good limbs. intelligent. good teeth. honest smile.
pretty is not: a sweet face on a super-sized body. an obnoxious laugh. bad teeth. bad hair. bad shoes. dressing like a mom. not dressing your age. an annoying voice. a nice personality in a road-weary package. sorry, but it just doesn't work for me.
so -- i'll continue playing with online dating sites. but i want pics before dates. and if you really really don't have one -- shame on you! -- you still might be able to coax me out to meet you, but don't be surprised if i want really specific answers to questions about your appearance beforehand. i'm just meeting too many nice people who i'm not attracted to. not that there's anything wrong with that, but i'm not made of money, and if i'm gonna take the time to come out and buy you dinner or a few upscale beverages, i'd at least like to enjoy watching you enjoy it. it's only fair.
eeh. i can hear the whining already. cut it out. i'm not hiding anything. i like pretty women. it's a preference. we all have them. clickage results from a mutually pleasurable interaction of respective preferences.
weekend notes
worked the county fair from 5-8 friday and saturday. i kinda look forward to fair season, though i may have outgrown it. it is what it is, i suppose. the busty babes still turn out, though it turns out they're mostly of mid-puberty age, and those of a more appropriate vintage tend to fall in three categories: coupled; single, but kid-laden; or white trash. oh well.
dancer notes
hung out with R. and D. a bit on saturday after the fair. place was kinda dead, but was nice to see them. the new barmaid t. seems to be warming up. R. was taking it easy, and D. wasn't drinking at all, but they were in good spirits. some guy who goes by "moon" dropped in -- a hardcore biker making his saturday night rounds of the watering holes.
one of the bouncers had to carry a. out and take her home. a's a gorgeous 18-yr-old dancer -- been there a few months. so full of energy that the other girls call her "spunky." spunky's all energy and muscle -- but for the past week or so, she's really looked like hell (for her, that is -- your average girl would still look drop-dead gorgeous if she looked anything like a.). i asked her how she was feeling, and she said she knew her sugar was low -- apparently she's diabetic. said she hasn't been sleeping well, or eating right -- no time to buy groceries, she said, so she sleeps half the day and when she wakes up, eats junk food. it's sad. she's apparently taking care of her whole family, because mom's a lost cause, or something. not that a's without her own challenges; D. mentioned that his kids are so bad about doing dishes that they only have paper plates and styrofoam cups in the house, and a. told a story about how she won't do dishes -- as a kid, her mom tried to make her do them, and she chose instead to smash plates and glasses at the wall to get rid of them instead of washing them. anyway, she stopped by to say hi, and i told her she looked tired, and she told me she felt like she was gonna pass out, and i told her i hoped she felt better, and she gave me a nice hug, kissed me on the cheek and said "thanks." about an hour later, she passed out in the dressing room. i hope she's ok.
heard that another dancer's mom's house burned down, apparently. like most of them, c's hot as hell, but a complete train wreck -- numerous kids without daddies, substance abuse, irresponsible -- the whole nine yards. i don't know how these girls are going to make it out of their 20's, let alone their 30's.
7.28.2005
conversations with strippers, part 2
l. is getting married on saturday. sweet girl, i've missed her. she's been away for a few months -- had a baby, and then spent a few months in jail. for traffic violations. *shakes head* crazy girls.
nice to have her back. she used to have tightly cropped, short dark hair, which gave her a kind of hot, punky slutgirl look. now her hair's longer and streaked. looks pretty. she said she had to let it grow because she couldn't use a blow dryer in prison.
new barmaid, t. jury's still out on this one. seems ok, but we all still miss tr., though she still comes in pretty regularly. apparently she's working at two other places in town now.
l. is getting married on saturday. sweet girl, i've missed her. she's been away for a few months -- had a baby, and then spent a few months in jail. for traffic violations. *shakes head* crazy girls.
nice to have her back. she used to have tightly cropped, short dark hair, which gave her a kind of hot, punky slutgirl look. now her hair's longer and streaked. looks pretty. she said she had to let it grow because she couldn't use a blow dryer in prison.
new barmaid, t. jury's still out on this one. seems ok, but we all still miss tr., though she still comes in pretty regularly. apparently she's working at two other places in town now.
7.22.2005
the continuing adventure
she was referred to me by a colleague in my office, Melody, a dominatrix, in the least, i suspect. nice, interesting, but....no heat. so many of them have this, or rather lack this -- this heat, this to me essential trait, which makes the difference, really, in the end, as to whether or not i want to see you again.
and, earlier -- before the five or 6 odd bud lights, before the dancers, the girls, those sweet, young strong girls, the dancers, those dolls -- before them there was the second -- a social worker at a hospital. a nice girl. but -- no heat.
is there a possible unified theory of the universe? would it resemble this:
1) given -- once, we had any manner of substance produced of or from the earth, our mother, at our disposal, and
2) through the millenia, more and more of our god-given rights have been restricted and/or prohibited by our fellow man, frequently in the form of our so-called elected government, then
3) now, we crave what we once had, what once was ours, unquestionably -- be that beers at eight pm, or martinis at nine-thirty, or dancers, or tapas, or good conversation and laughter, or pain killers, or aspirin, or exercise or heroin or sex or wine or (very) pretty (!) girls, nearly naked, smiling and dancing......
of course we crave these things. of course we do.
they stand in a line, fluid, single file, moving, each to the rhythm of their own precious soul, misguided perhaps, but no less precious, united only by the driving beat offered by the annoying dj, swaying, pumping, the beat and their legs, and hips, all hydraulic beauty, sculpted faces and silken hair, smooth brown skin taught over their abdomens, the lights flickering, flashing, lasers piercing the night floor.
the dance goes on.
she was referred to me by a colleague in my office, Melody, a dominatrix, in the least, i suspect. nice, interesting, but....no heat. so many of them have this, or rather lack this -- this heat, this to me essential trait, which makes the difference, really, in the end, as to whether or not i want to see you again.
and, earlier -- before the five or 6 odd bud lights, before the dancers, the girls, those sweet, young strong girls, the dancers, those dolls -- before them there was the second -- a social worker at a hospital. a nice girl. but -- no heat.
is there a possible unified theory of the universe? would it resemble this:
1) given -- once, we had any manner of substance produced of or from the earth, our mother, at our disposal, and
2) through the millenia, more and more of our god-given rights have been restricted and/or prohibited by our fellow man, frequently in the form of our so-called elected government, then
3) now, we crave what we once had, what once was ours, unquestionably -- be that beers at eight pm, or martinis at nine-thirty, or dancers, or tapas, or good conversation and laughter, or pain killers, or aspirin, or exercise or heroin or sex or wine or (very) pretty (!) girls, nearly naked, smiling and dancing......
of course we crave these things. of course we do.
they stand in a line, fluid, single file, moving, each to the rhythm of their own precious soul, misguided perhaps, but no less precious, united only by the driving beat offered by the annoying dj, swaying, pumping, the beat and their legs, and hips, all hydraulic beauty, sculpted faces and silken hair, smooth brown skin taught over their abdomens, the lights flickering, flashing, lasers piercing the night floor.
the dance goes on.
7.21.2005
cute
courtesy of AngelBrat....
Copy this entire list into your blog/journal.
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
I am bi-sexual.
My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation.
My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender.
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for my spouse or lover while on the phone.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. (once upon a time)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I like having my nipples squeezed during sex.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.*
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.*
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I have had interracial sex with someone of my gender.
I want my spouse or lover to have an interracial sex experience.
I want to watch my spouse or lover have an interracial sex experience.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I have had sex with someone from [a former] place of employment.
I have had sex with a former co-worker of my gender.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (have been in the past)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.*
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.*
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.*
courtesy of AngelBrat....
Copy this entire list into your blog/journal.
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
I am bi-sexual.
My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation.
My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender.
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for my spouse or lover while on the phone.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. (once upon a time)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I like having my nipples squeezed during sex.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.*
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.*
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I have had interracial sex with someone of my gender.
I want my spouse or lover to have an interracial sex experience.
I want to watch my spouse or lover have an interracial sex experience.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I have had sex with someone from [a former] place of employment.
I have had sex with a former co-worker of my gender.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (have been in the past)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.*
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.*
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.*
7.19.2005
these feelings
"You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away"
- citizen cope, "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings"
"You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away"
- citizen cope, "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings"
7.18.2005
and our story continues...
the story continues, the story of the boy, i am lost, he thought, i am lost. returning from the old streets, having seen my dear longtime friends c. and m., radio tuned to the show called echoes, [reminds me that i gotta track something down from tonight's playlist. - ed.] which reminded me of another show called hearts of space, both of which i used to listen to on sunday evenings on the local non-profit radio station when i lived back in the city. it was nostalgic and somewhat bittersweet, reminding me of you, our times there together, as a couple. we had some good times there, you and i. you were usually happy when we went there. most of the times we went.
"i know you've moved on. don't ask me how, doll -- i just know. trust me. our spirits haven't been separated for long enough that i can't still feel these things. it's ok.
"really. try not to look surprised. i mean it. it's all ok. i hope you're well."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and the horoscope says........(*drum roll*) --
the story continues, the story of the boy, i am lost, he thought, i am lost. returning from the old streets, having seen my dear longtime friends c. and m., radio tuned to the show called echoes, [reminds me that i gotta track something down from tonight's playlist. - ed.] which reminded me of another show called hearts of space, both of which i used to listen to on sunday evenings on the local non-profit radio station when i lived back in the city. it was nostalgic and somewhat bittersweet, reminding me of you, our times there together, as a couple. we had some good times there, you and i. you were usually happy when we went there. most of the times we went.
"i know you've moved on. don't ask me how, doll -- i just know. trust me. our spirits haven't been separated for long enough that i can't still feel these things. it's ok.
"really. try not to look surprised. i mean it. it's all ok. i hope you're well."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and the horoscope says........(*drum roll*) --
Every now and then, the universe steps in, makes an executive decision, and forces us to take a right when we were absolutely sure we'd be taking a left. This is one of those times, and as sensitive as you are, you'll realize it as soon as you open your eyes this morning. So when you end up someplace you weren't supposed to be anywhere near, chatting with someone you feel an immediate affinity towards, you'll get it. You were supposed to meet.sounds scary, and yet......that's SO what i want!
7.10.2005
come out, come out wherever you are
Aquarius Horoscopeplease show up soon. i am unattached, and not in need of a new best friend, though i wouldn't turn one away. patience is not my strong suit as these things go.
You're not cold and impersonal, and you're probably quite tired of reading that astrological description of your sign. The truth is, you're just picky, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Once you find someone who measures up to your standards -- that is, someone who's entertaining, independent and intelligent -- you can be quite devoted. Someone who answers just that description may be along shortly. If you're already attached, prepare for a brand new best friend.
You're the kind of person who just can't settle for anything less than the whole shebang. That's the way you are on a daily basis, but the way you're feeling now ... well, let's just say that you won't even be able to convincingly fake being satisfied if you're not. And that will be true for just about any department of life. When it comes down to the issue of love, you really won't be up for pretending.yeah, that pretending thing. wonder if it is connected to the patience thing.
7.07.2005
jeff tweedy keeps talking to me
There's a whisper
I would like to breathe into your ear but
I'm too scared to
Get that close to you right now...
In the beginning we closed our eyes
Whenever we kissed
We were surprised to
Find so much inside
- Wilco, Pieholden Suite, on Summerteeth
There's a whisper
I would like to breathe into your ear but
I'm too scared to
Get that close to you right now...
In the beginning we closed our eyes
Whenever we kissed
We were surprised to
Find so much inside
- Wilco, Pieholden Suite, on Summerteeth
6.27.2005
my mind is filled with silvery stars
you'll never read this. you never read it before -- always mystified me. how could you know that your lover kept a blog and yet not want to know what he was writing about? i mean, it's almost like an open invitation to read someone's diary. you just weren't interested.
don't think for a minute that i'm enjoying myself over this. i hate it. i hate feeling empty, and i hate the cycle -- interrupted grieving, i guess. the sadness is real, and it's heavy, and it's inescapable. so i get angry about it to avoind feeling the sadness. this much you taught me -- anger feels better than sadness. i get that about depression now.
Cheer up, honey I hope you can
There is something wrong with me...
that's how it feels. feels like something's wrong with me. like i can't grow up, or i can't pay attention. like i have limited short-term memory. i intend to do something, and then i forget about it, do something else, remember the first thing i meant to do, forget what i was doing, then do something else entirely.
usually nothing.
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Cheer up, honey I hope you can
sometimes, i don't want to try anymore. i just want to cry, and stop.
All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new
it doesn't mean that coming back new would kill you -- no. it means that if you knew you could come back new, you'd be willing to die for the chance.
that's how i feel.
Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love
My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight
and that's how i feel. i'm not the ranting, spurned, hurt lover anymore. i'm just sad, and i miss what we had. i know it's over. i know you're gone. i know you aren't coming back, and i know neither one of us has it in us to even think about trying again. i know that would be insane.
i forgot how long it would take me to heal.
i honestly thought going through 9|11 together had sealed our fate. had taught us the real meaning of love. it did for me, i thought. it was what finally kicked me in the ass to quit putting off proposing to you. confirmed for me once and for all how short life is, and how easily we can lose who we most love.
Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have
Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun
Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around
i still feel like i lost you and i don't know why.
so, that's how i feel.
hope you're well,
a.
you'll never read this. you never read it before -- always mystified me. how could you know that your lover kept a blog and yet not want to know what he was writing about? i mean, it's almost like an open invitation to read someone's diary. you just weren't interested.
don't think for a minute that i'm enjoying myself over this. i hate it. i hate feeling empty, and i hate the cycle -- interrupted grieving, i guess. the sadness is real, and it's heavy, and it's inescapable. so i get angry about it to avoind feeling the sadness. this much you taught me -- anger feels better than sadness. i get that about depression now.
Cheer up, honey I hope you can
There is something wrong with me...
that's how it feels. feels like something's wrong with me. like i can't grow up, or i can't pay attention. like i have limited short-term memory. i intend to do something, and then i forget about it, do something else, remember the first thing i meant to do, forget what i was doing, then do something else entirely.
usually nothing.
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Cheer up, honey I hope you can
sometimes, i don't want to try anymore. i just want to cry, and stop.
All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new
it doesn't mean that coming back new would kill you -- no. it means that if you knew you could come back new, you'd be willing to die for the chance.
that's how i feel.
Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love
My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight
and that's how i feel. i'm not the ranting, spurned, hurt lover anymore. i'm just sad, and i miss what we had. i know it's over. i know you're gone. i know you aren't coming back, and i know neither one of us has it in us to even think about trying again. i know that would be insane.
i forgot how long it would take me to heal.
i honestly thought going through 9|11 together had sealed our fate. had taught us the real meaning of love. it did for me, i thought. it was what finally kicked me in the ass to quit putting off proposing to you. confirmed for me once and for all how short life is, and how easily we can lose who we most love.
Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have
Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun
Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around
i still feel like i lost you and i don't know why.
so, that's how i feel.
hope you're well,
a.
6.24.2005
re-impacting
ok. this is real. still real. all bullshit aside.
do you know -- do you have the slightest clue? -- how much you've hurt me?
pathetic, i am, to even post this. but it's true. this is real. this is true.
I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?
i saw this. i had to look. because the reasons, the specifics of why you left me are so etched in my memory. i had to look. i don't know why i torture myself like this.
Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
i never said it didn't hurt. i've been tru to myself on that point. it hurt. it hurt so bad. it still hurts. and there you are, kissing some stranger. and looking good. great. beautiful. what the fuck happened to you, alison? god! what the fuck!?!??! we had so much, so special -- it was like nothing i've ever experienced.
I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?
I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?
I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?
i had to look. had to check back in. to see if what you left me for (ostensibly, for you, the fan of big-assed words) was actually real. and it wasn't. you dumbass. what happened? all of that intensity -- ? -- all for nothing. you aren't going to any damned dave shows. no pp05. nothing. you just left me. for nothing.
what, goddammit, do you have to show for it? what?!? and why am i so hung up on that?
I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart
i do think that. my heart broke. twice. your heart didn't -- you wouldn't let it. that's what happened. that's the only explanation for how/why you could do this. your heart won't break because you're already broken, damn it.
i saw those pics and fell in love with you again. like falling in love with some unattainable person....like an actress, or some woman i'll never meet, yet who i've known in some dream, in a dream full of love. damn it. all of it. god damn it.
i loved you so much, alison.
i just loved you.
my heart still breaks. it still breaks.
Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?
loves you
I'm the man who loves you...
i've gotten rid of everything. i had to. everything. everything but you. you still live on, in my head, in my memory. in my heart, my blood.
all i did was love you. damn you. all i did. was love you. i think i get hung up on the whole thing -- the for what? thing -- because i really wish there had been some point to it all. because, damn it, as much as i feel like i don't even know you anymore, like we wouldn't have anything to talk about if we tried, like you're someone completely different from the woman i loved -- i care about you. i wish this had made you happy. i wish something good had come out of it.
but i can't see anything.
ok. this is real. still real. all bullshit aside.
do you know -- do you have the slightest clue? -- how much you've hurt me?
pathetic, i am, to even post this. but it's true. this is real. this is true.
I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?
i saw this. i had to look. because the reasons, the specifics of why you left me are so etched in my memory. i had to look. i don't know why i torture myself like this.
Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
i never said it didn't hurt. i've been tru to myself on that point. it hurt. it hurt so bad. it still hurts. and there you are, kissing some stranger. and looking good. great. beautiful. what the fuck happened to you, alison? god! what the fuck!?!??! we had so much, so special -- it was like nothing i've ever experienced.
I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?
I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?
I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?
i had to look. had to check back in. to see if what you left me for (ostensibly, for you, the fan of big-assed words) was actually real. and it wasn't. you dumbass. what happened? all of that intensity -- ? -- all for nothing. you aren't going to any damned dave shows. no pp05. nothing. you just left me. for nothing.
what, goddammit, do you have to show for it? what?!? and why am i so hung up on that?
I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart
i do think that. my heart broke. twice. your heart didn't -- you wouldn't let it. that's what happened. that's the only explanation for how/why you could do this. your heart won't break because you're already broken, damn it.
i saw those pics and fell in love with you again. like falling in love with some unattainable person....like an actress, or some woman i'll never meet, yet who i've known in some dream, in a dream full of love. damn it. all of it. god damn it.
i loved you so much, alison.
i just loved you.
my heart still breaks. it still breaks.
Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?
loves you
I'm the man who loves you...
i've gotten rid of everything. i had to. everything. everything but you. you still live on, in my head, in my memory. in my heart, my blood.
all i did was love you. damn you. all i did. was love you. i think i get hung up on the whole thing -- the for what? thing -- because i really wish there had been some point to it all. because, damn it, as much as i feel like i don't even know you anymore, like we wouldn't have anything to talk about if we tried, like you're someone completely different from the woman i loved -- i care about you. i wish this had made you happy. i wish something good had come out of it.
but i can't see anything.
6.02.2005
motivation
Today's Horoscope for Aquarius: Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make the life you want happen. Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss. Goethe said that once a definitive commitment was made, mighty forces would come to aid you. So what are you waiting for? There's a whole life out there waiting for you -- the life that you've always wanted. All you have to do is make that first, definitive movement toward it. Isn't life too short to waste?
eh. what exactly is the life that i've always wanted? yes, life is short. yes, this all makes sense. but what is it??
pretty sure this isn't it. pretty sure about that. pretty certain, in fact, that i would not have chosen to live my life in this lousy climate. know that i wouldn't have elected to be a single parent. know that i would not have elected to take the middle-class managerial job. well, maybe at some point i would have. maybe when i was 16 it sounded sweet. i'm not 16 though. i'm 43. maybe i had too many years of struggling in underpaid positions, looking at undeserving people in managerial roles, and envying their salaries. who knows.
then again, everything is a choice. i live here, despite being able to live elsewhere. so, that's kinda choosing to live here. i've chosen to commit myself to crazy women, so i've had crazy romantic r-ships, which have all ended poorly. and i'm a single parent, because of one of those relationships. and because i fought for custody -- so, denied the option of a stable nuclear family, i chose to be a single dad. i could stop working in this job, but i keep doing it. i look around, keep my ears open, but i can't find anything i'd rather do, without going broke or having to live poor again. it's like, i don't wanna do this anymore, but i don't wanna do that anymore, either.
and i'm feeling lonely. yet, it's because i chose to end the relationships with crazy people that i've been in.
oh, to be 23 again. i'd love to, if i could do it now -- not then. when i was 23, it wasn't that much fun being 23. i was poor, and naive. reagan was president, and america was no fun. girls were no fun. it was like everyone pretending it was the 50's again. everyone was dressing in khakis and buttondown shirts, with navy crew neck sweaters. everyone was neat, presentable. and if you weren't, you were weird. what everyone always overlooks about that whole golden 50's period is all of the bad shit -- the racism, the oppression of women and minorities, the crime, the corruption of government. the homeless. same probs that we have today. maybe worse then.
i mean, the 50's, after all, caused the 60's to happen. the 60's were a direct response of the young people and the disenfranchised to the accepted status quo of the 50's, to the us vs them dynamic of our culture.
the 60's ended too soon.
it seems a helluva lot more fun now. but, now, i have money. some, at least. and chicks are hotter. society's hotter.
what is my ideal life? what is the life that i've always wanted?
maybe you can tell me.
Today's Horoscope for Aquarius: Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make the life you want happen. Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss. Goethe said that once a definitive commitment was made, mighty forces would come to aid you. So what are you waiting for? There's a whole life out there waiting for you -- the life that you've always wanted. All you have to do is make that first, definitive movement toward it. Isn't life too short to waste?
eh. what exactly is the life that i've always wanted? yes, life is short. yes, this all makes sense. but what is it??
pretty sure this isn't it. pretty sure about that. pretty certain, in fact, that i would not have chosen to live my life in this lousy climate. know that i wouldn't have elected to be a single parent. know that i would not have elected to take the middle-class managerial job. well, maybe at some point i would have. maybe when i was 16 it sounded sweet. i'm not 16 though. i'm 43. maybe i had too many years of struggling in underpaid positions, looking at undeserving people in managerial roles, and envying their salaries. who knows.
then again, everything is a choice. i live here, despite being able to live elsewhere. so, that's kinda choosing to live here. i've chosen to commit myself to crazy women, so i've had crazy romantic r-ships, which have all ended poorly. and i'm a single parent, because of one of those relationships. and because i fought for custody -- so, denied the option of a stable nuclear family, i chose to be a single dad. i could stop working in this job, but i keep doing it. i look around, keep my ears open, but i can't find anything i'd rather do, without going broke or having to live poor again. it's like, i don't wanna do this anymore, but i don't wanna do that anymore, either.
and i'm feeling lonely. yet, it's because i chose to end the relationships with crazy people that i've been in.
oh, to be 23 again. i'd love to, if i could do it now -- not then. when i was 23, it wasn't that much fun being 23. i was poor, and naive. reagan was president, and america was no fun. girls were no fun. it was like everyone pretending it was the 50's again. everyone was dressing in khakis and buttondown shirts, with navy crew neck sweaters. everyone was neat, presentable. and if you weren't, you were weird. what everyone always overlooks about that whole golden 50's period is all of the bad shit -- the racism, the oppression of women and minorities, the crime, the corruption of government. the homeless. same probs that we have today. maybe worse then.
i mean, the 50's, after all, caused the 60's to happen. the 60's were a direct response of the young people and the disenfranchised to the accepted status quo of the 50's, to the us vs them dynamic of our culture.
the 60's ended too soon.
it seems a helluva lot more fun now. but, now, i have money. some, at least. and chicks are hotter. society's hotter.
what is my ideal life? what is the life that i've always wanted?
maybe you can tell me.
4.28.2005
alcohol is bad for you
mistake #1: despite all the voices telling me to lay low last night, i headed out after my workout. was feeling a little like a cold was coming on, but a barmaid i know had asked me the night before if i was going to be out, so i decided to stop by the bar she mentioned to see her. no one was there, so i headed to her bar. on the way, my son called to see where i was, and even he told me "do you really think that's a good idea if you feel like you're getting sick?" good kid. wise kid. but i told him i was fine and i'd see him later.
mistake #2: instead of the usual flow of awful bud lights, i decided to have capt morgan's and diet coke -- to avoid calories, of all things. i rarely ever drink anything other than beer when i'm out on the town, simply because beer is so much more totally manageable than booze.
mistake #3: so, like a fool, i start consuming these silly little cocktails like they are soft drinks. they are not. i'm fine for about two hours. the girls are chatty and wanting to talk more than usual, and i buy them many drinks. the regulars are amusing. we get some decent music on the new jukebox. and all of a sudden i'm trashed and everyone knows it. pretty funny. the barmaid gently but seriously tells me, "sit right here" and starts bringing me mugs of fresh coffee which i remember was pretty damned good.
after a few, i find the courage to say my goodnights. damn, everyone was so nice to me. they just took care of me like we were old friends. it was nice. i made it home and passed out.
it was fun, but i gotta stick to beer. *laughs*
mistake #1: despite all the voices telling me to lay low last night, i headed out after my workout. was feeling a little like a cold was coming on, but a barmaid i know had asked me the night before if i was going to be out, so i decided to stop by the bar she mentioned to see her. no one was there, so i headed to her bar. on the way, my son called to see where i was, and even he told me "do you really think that's a good idea if you feel like you're getting sick?" good kid. wise kid. but i told him i was fine and i'd see him later.
mistake #2: instead of the usual flow of awful bud lights, i decided to have capt morgan's and diet coke -- to avoid calories, of all things. i rarely ever drink anything other than beer when i'm out on the town, simply because beer is so much more totally manageable than booze.
mistake #3: so, like a fool, i start consuming these silly little cocktails like they are soft drinks. they are not. i'm fine for about two hours. the girls are chatty and wanting to talk more than usual, and i buy them many drinks. the regulars are amusing. we get some decent music on the new jukebox. and all of a sudden i'm trashed and everyone knows it. pretty funny. the barmaid gently but seriously tells me, "sit right here" and starts bringing me mugs of fresh coffee which i remember was pretty damned good.
after a few, i find the courage to say my goodnights. damn, everyone was so nice to me. they just took care of me like we were old friends. it was nice. i made it home and passed out.
it was fun, but i gotta stick to beer. *laughs*
3.29.2005
oh, how true, true, true...
true, so true
Aquarius
There's usually at least a two second delay between thought and words --
for most signs, anyway. In your case, it's about a second, on slow days. At
the moment, however, there will be no delay, which makes you pretty darned
dangerous. Basically, if you were regulated by the FCC, they'd have your
license by noon. Keep that in mind before you go off on anyone who's not as
well armed in the verbal department as you happen to be.
Aquarius
There's usually at least a two second delay between thought and words --
for most signs, anyway. In your case, it's about a second, on slow days. At
the moment, however, there will be no delay, which makes you pretty darned
dangerous. Basically, if you were regulated by the FCC, they'd have your
license by noon. Keep that in mind before you go off on anyone who's not as
well armed in the verbal department as you happen to be.
3.25.2005
3.23.2005
3.16.2005
from the fine folks at Tickle
from the folks at Tickle
who obviously have too much time on their hands.
When talking to your partner, you're a Diplomat
This means that you tend to be a cooperative partner with first-rate listening and negotiation skills. Above all, you seem to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your significant other. In your mind, it's usually far better to talk about problems as they arise rather than sweep them under the rug. For you to really feel connected to your special someone, it's important that they hear and understand you. Ordinarily, you'll return this courtesy tenfold by paying close attention to your partner's perspective.
Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.
Your moves are fresh when it comes to Being Creative
It's clear you're a unique individual with your own way of expressing yourself and your inner artist. Whether it's with a pen, paintbrush, play, or punk rock band, you've got a creative energy you just can't ignore. Your fresh ideas and imagination are sure to shine through wherever you go. Maybe your flair for fashion shows up in your wardrobe. Maybe you cause a stir with your latest performance piece or surprise people with your latest artistic creation. However you do it, you're sure to attract many admiring fans with your fresh perspectives and creativity!
Suave
Wow — you're quite the Casanova! You know how to play the dating game; in fact, you're damn good at it. We can tell you're a real woman-magnet and are never without an admirer or three. When combined with your significant charm, your attentive, sensitive demeanor makes you irresistible. Someone definitely made sure that you know how to treat a woman — ladies always feel special and appreciated when you're with them. You've got a knack for expressing yourself and showing your interest without looking too eager, too. That's a difficult balancing act, and you deserve a pat on the back for perfecting it. At the rate you're going you won't be dating much longer before you score your dream girl!
...bring her on....
Looks like your sex drive's in Fourth Gear!
So how's the view from the driver's seat? Your sex drive is in a very healthy Fourth Gear, and you're cruising down what Aretha Franklin called the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac! It's great that you know what you want, when you want it, and with whom. Your lusty interest is certainly piqued, but let's make sure that it's not peaking! The key to maintaining that healthy libido is maintaining a healthy lifestyle. A wholesome diet (plenty of water, a good dose of fiber every day, vitamins, minerals—the works) will keep that motor humming. And a smart exercise plan will help you stay flexible, strong, and ready for love. Healthy moves like these will help your lust for life keep up with your lust for, well, you know.
Material Upkeep
Although you definitely appreciate a first-class lifestyle, you don't feel a constant need to indulge yourself. Sure, it's fun to spoil yourself with fancy dinners or designer clothes every once in a while, but you probably don't need everything in your life to be top of the line all the time. Congratulations! You know how to indulge yourself the right way — in moderation.
Emotional Upkeep
You like being a top priority in your partner's life, but you also respect his/her independence — good for you! Sure, it's important for you to feel valued and appreciated in your relationship, but your expectations for your significant other tend to be realistic and attainable. You definitely know how you want to be treated, but you don't think the only fulfilling relationship is one filled with constant doting.
and the horoscope says......
yesterday's: If you're single, it's time to get out there and resume your hunt for the perfect partner. You'll be amazed at how many prospective admirers will want to have a shot at the title, too. All you have to do is get dressed and get yourself on the scene. You'll be the center of attention, no matter where you are -- and for only the loveliest of reasons.
today's: After days of dashing about, doing at least three things at once, you're suddenly in the mood to snuggle -- and you know exactly who to invite to help satisfy that wish. If you're single, however, don't settle for a teddy bear. Get out there and start looking around. You're definitely due to meet someone new. And this time out, they'll probably be intelligent enough to keep you interested.
....stars trying to tell me something? maybe that explains why the girl in the bar the other night decided to back between my legs as i sat on the stool at the bar, lean her ass against me and reach behind herself to fondle me.......who knows?
who obviously have too much time on their hands.
When talking to your partner, you're a Diplomat
This means that you tend to be a cooperative partner with first-rate listening and negotiation skills. Above all, you seem to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your significant other. In your mind, it's usually far better to talk about problems as they arise rather than sweep them under the rug. For you to really feel connected to your special someone, it's important that they hear and understand you. Ordinarily, you'll return this courtesy tenfold by paying close attention to your partner's perspective.
Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.
Your moves are fresh when it comes to Being Creative
It's clear you're a unique individual with your own way of expressing yourself and your inner artist. Whether it's with a pen, paintbrush, play, or punk rock band, you've got a creative energy you just can't ignore. Your fresh ideas and imagination are sure to shine through wherever you go. Maybe your flair for fashion shows up in your wardrobe. Maybe you cause a stir with your latest performance piece or surprise people with your latest artistic creation. However you do it, you're sure to attract many admiring fans with your fresh perspectives and creativity!
Suave
Wow — you're quite the Casanova! You know how to play the dating game; in fact, you're damn good at it. We can tell you're a real woman-magnet and are never without an admirer or three. When combined with your significant charm, your attentive, sensitive demeanor makes you irresistible. Someone definitely made sure that you know how to treat a woman — ladies always feel special and appreciated when you're with them. You've got a knack for expressing yourself and showing your interest without looking too eager, too. That's a difficult balancing act, and you deserve a pat on the back for perfecting it. At the rate you're going you won't be dating much longer before you score your dream girl!
...bring her on....
Looks like your sex drive's in Fourth Gear!
So how's the view from the driver's seat? Your sex drive is in a very healthy Fourth Gear, and you're cruising down what Aretha Franklin called the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac! It's great that you know what you want, when you want it, and with whom. Your lusty interest is certainly piqued, but let's make sure that it's not peaking! The key to maintaining that healthy libido is maintaining a healthy lifestyle. A wholesome diet (plenty of water, a good dose of fiber every day, vitamins, minerals—the works) will keep that motor humming. And a smart exercise plan will help you stay flexible, strong, and ready for love. Healthy moves like these will help your lust for life keep up with your lust for, well, you know.
Material Upkeep
Although you definitely appreciate a first-class lifestyle, you don't feel a constant need to indulge yourself. Sure, it's fun to spoil yourself with fancy dinners or designer clothes every once in a while, but you probably don't need everything in your life to be top of the line all the time. Congratulations! You know how to indulge yourself the right way — in moderation.
Emotional Upkeep
You like being a top priority in your partner's life, but you also respect his/her independence — good for you! Sure, it's important for you to feel valued and appreciated in your relationship, but your expectations for your significant other tend to be realistic and attainable. You definitely know how you want to be treated, but you don't think the only fulfilling relationship is one filled with constant doting.
and the horoscope says......
yesterday's: If you're single, it's time to get out there and resume your hunt for the perfect partner. You'll be amazed at how many prospective admirers will want to have a shot at the title, too. All you have to do is get dressed and get yourself on the scene. You'll be the center of attention, no matter where you are -- and for only the loveliest of reasons.
today's: After days of dashing about, doing at least three things at once, you're suddenly in the mood to snuggle -- and you know exactly who to invite to help satisfy that wish. If you're single, however, don't settle for a teddy bear. Get out there and start looking around. You're definitely due to meet someone new. And this time out, they'll probably be intelligent enough to keep you interested.
....stars trying to tell me something? maybe that explains why the girl in the bar the other night decided to back between my legs as i sat on the stool at the bar, lean her ass against me and reach behind herself to fondle me.......who knows?
3.10.2005
3.09.2005
reimpacting by surprise
reimpacting (a surprise) and further clarity
spent the past two days at a regional conference. it happens every year. when i took my current assignment, i attended one. it sucked. spent more time in transit than in actual conference sessions, and the sessions were mostly crap, and the ones that weren't covered stuff i already knew, and in some cases even stuff that i originated in past programs that i've managed. (stayed actually in the same place where you, 2+ years later, planned to meet your married lover while in town to attend a show. i wonder if you stayed in the same room that i did, when i was there, doing what i said i was doing, not cheating. missing you, even. all i remember was that the room i stayed in smelled like pipe tobacco and had some luminary's name on a plaque outside the door. you went to the concert, but i ruined your fuck plans.)
i've blown off this conference the past two years. for a couple of reasons: the last one i went to sucked (was a waste of time and limited resources); i know most of this shit already, and have grown tired of listening to people present things as if they're breaking new ground when they're not doing anything more than i've ever done and -- as i said above -- a lot of it is stuff that *i* broke ground on (if there were royalties in this business, or if intellectual property could be reasonably patented, i'd be a rich fuck); i've lost my patience with the high number of absolute hacks in my field who do nothing but embarrass me with how disproportionate their actual knowledge is to their titles; and i didn't want to see the fucker who you had an affair with.
you "met" him through a fucking professional email discussion list back before we even moved out here. attracted, as you are, to men in positions of authority. that's the only reason you were initially attracted to me, too. now i know. not that i've ever considered my job to be anything more than that. a job. authority? god. can't even keep your fucking pants on online. what's funny is that it bothers me as much that you actually on some level considered him to have as much so-called "authority" as me. i've known him longer than you, and he's a fucking a hack. fake-assed poser. how many of *my* ideas, which you internalized so well that i was proud of you, did you pass on to him, doll? you threw away more than yourself -- you threw away my hard work, too. (i even remember once, during dinner, commenting on him, and his bullshit, and remember being surprised when your response indicated that you thought he was "ok." uh-huh.)
so, i remember another similar, bigger, annual conference in chicago. thought it would be cool to come with me. spend some time together. get out of town. share costs for the room and maybe even learn a few things. i remember, after a day of sessions, turning to see you smiling at this asshole, and him smiling at you, your hands attached in what appeared to my innocent, blind eyes at the time to be a simple professional handshake. a greeting between colleagues who had corresponded on the discussion list. i remember too, afterwards, us returning to our room to chill. there was an hour or so before evening social activities. i remember us lying together on the bed, i remember wanting to make love with you, wanting you, trying to seduce you, showing my desire. and you telling me that you had a headache. maybe you did, but you also had guilt, i know now, because you didn't come to chicago with me because you wanted to be with me, or because you wanted to go to the conference. you went because you wanted to see this person. you fucking freeloaded on me to flirt with some asshole. who i knew, through the grapevine. married. 5 kids. what the fuck.
and i remember the next morning. you asking me if i would mind if you met some people for breakfast. of course i didn't mind. why would i mind? now, of course, i also remember how, that morning, you were up and ready way before me. because you wanted to increase the odds that you could go to breakfast without me, could escape, because i wouldn't be ready when you said you were going to meet your colleagues. you asked me if i would mind, because you had no intention of inviting me to join you. they were my colleagues, too. but, you weren't meeting colleagues. now i understand. you were meeting him. or did you just go off on your own, and write your little letter to him? letting him know how much you wanted to spend time with him, getting to know him, how you envisioned spending time with him. bitch. or did you have breakfast with him? did you have each other for breakfast, honey? did you kiss him, honey? did you blow him, honey? whatever you did, fuck you, honey.
so, that's what happened in chicago. then, the next time you and this asshole were at a conference together (did he even plan to go to the cherry valley conference for professional reasons? or was it all a scheme to have your disgusting little tryst?) you were expected to go, and he would meet you there. fuckers. both of you. him married, and you wearing my ring, the diamond i put on your finger the christmas before. did you even take it off your finger while you fucked him, honey?
i remember another time. you'd heard from someone, somewhere, about some possibility to take a job. would involve a lot of time on the road. but you were frustrated with what you were doing, and you thought it sounded like an opportunity. told me about it. took me by surprise, because you couldn't ever stand to be away from me for a second. you are needy that way, dependent. remember what i told you? that if that's what you wanted to do, of course i'd support you -- but i wanted you to really think it through, and not be impulsive about it, because it would mean that we'd be apart a lot of the time, and that was something that made you unhappy. it always had up to that point, anyway. now i get it -- what you wanted was to be able to have a job so that you could have ready reasons to be away from me, to be out of town, so you could pursue your little fuck fantasies. and keep me both in the dark and in your life. fuck you, honey. so, why'd you end up dropping that plan? maybe you thought, shit -- he'll get sick of this real quick, and break up with me. maybe i would have. who knows. we'll never know. but i do know that we are different that way. because, if i didn't think things could work out, as i know now, or if i wanted something else, as i do now, or if i were just tired of us, or sick of you, which i never was -- yes, i would have broken up with you. unlike you who, for whatever twisted reason, changed the rules, changed the reality, broke promises and commitments, and still waited for me to kick you out of my life. fuck you for that, baby. get a spine.
how hard it was for me to comprehend the extent of your deception, your betrayal -- now i get it. you've become so good at lying to yourself that lying to everyone else is second nature. now i understand why, despite how fucking outraged you could be at the world, your family (your father, your brother, your sister), your friends (all of them -- well, wait, besides me, you only really have one), your coworkers (everywhere you worked), me, my son -- everyone -- despite that, you couldn't handle anyone's anger when it was directed at you. how that double-standard drove me crazy. remembering that helps me not miss you.
you can't handle anyone being angry with you because everything you fucking do is an act. nothing's real. it's all conjured up to create some scene you've got playing in your head. it's control freak shit. when those scenes that you so carefully composed didn't work out exactly the way you envisioned, and your behavior actually pissed someone off -- because the rest of us ARE living in the real world, honeybitch -- you couldn't comprehend it. how could anyone be angry at you? because you KNEW that it was all bullshit, all an act, all a lie. and your intention wasn't always to piss people off, because you knew you didn't like that feeling. that sense of being under a dark cloud. the same sense so many of us -- your family, your friends, the people who really care about you -- could feel, the burden of your pain that was tangible when you were feeling it. it leaked, poured out of you. you subjected us all to it. because the only way you know how to connect with people when you're angry is to make them to feel the same shit as you.
pretty republican of you, actually. give everyone what they want -- tell them anything to get them on your side, to win them over, get what you want from them, and then screw them over in the end. you really oughtta think about switching parties. you'd fit right in.
it's all a game for you, babe. everything is made up. your personality, your life, your face. it's all fucking fake. that's why you douse yourself in baby powder every morning. you're afraid of your own scent. i hated that. i love how women smell. they don't smell like babies. you're 29 for chrissakes. take it from me (i've had other lovers before you, baby -- remember?) -- the baby powder? it's not sexy. nothing sexy about having to get through a thin coating of baby powder every time i went down on you, before i could actually lick you, taste you.
all i wanted was you. the real you. the you i thought i knew. the you i was in love with. the you i gave my heart to. maybe she existed. once. but she's gone now. and because of her, you're fading.
so i went to the conference this year. i went because i could, because i felt like it. because i called the asshole-who-you-had-an-affair-with's wife, and told her the whole deal. sent her all of your fucking fantasy love emails. all those words. still seared in my memory. just fucking think about this: how would you feel if you had no clue and then had to read the words you wrote to him? if you found me writing to someone the words you wrote to him? "i want this man -- physically, spiritually, passionately, completely -- i want all of him. i want to be your wife, kevin." you wrote that shit, honeybitch. not to me. yet you lived under my roof, slept in my bed -- i thought it was ours. now i know. it was just mine. you were never really here. it was my home, but it was just your stage.
so i went to the conference. i wondered if he'd be there, after the confessional. wondered how i'd deal with it, with him. i still wonder. would i attack him? would i ignore him? would he try to confront me? would he steer clear? i still want to strangle him and break his balls, yes. i'm ok with him knowing that. knowing even that i'd enjoy it. but it's different now. it's all different now. so i went to the conference. and you didn't.
but it's clear now, at least. so clear that you lied to me and lied to me and lied to me. now i understand. a few things. distance does give clarity, and time does all the formatting. in the end, the story becomes clear, and the presentation is perfect.
spent the past two days at a regional conference. it happens every year. when i took my current assignment, i attended one. it sucked. spent more time in transit than in actual conference sessions, and the sessions were mostly crap, and the ones that weren't covered stuff i already knew, and in some cases even stuff that i originated in past programs that i've managed. (stayed actually in the same place where you, 2+ years later, planned to meet your married lover while in town to attend a show. i wonder if you stayed in the same room that i did, when i was there, doing what i said i was doing, not cheating. missing you, even. all i remember was that the room i stayed in smelled like pipe tobacco and had some luminary's name on a plaque outside the door. you went to the concert, but i ruined your fuck plans.)
i've blown off this conference the past two years. for a couple of reasons: the last one i went to sucked (was a waste of time and limited resources); i know most of this shit already, and have grown tired of listening to people present things as if they're breaking new ground when they're not doing anything more than i've ever done and -- as i said above -- a lot of it is stuff that *i* broke ground on (if there were royalties in this business, or if intellectual property could be reasonably patented, i'd be a rich fuck); i've lost my patience with the high number of absolute hacks in my field who do nothing but embarrass me with how disproportionate their actual knowledge is to their titles; and i didn't want to see the fucker who you had an affair with.
you "met" him through a fucking professional email discussion list back before we even moved out here. attracted, as you are, to men in positions of authority. that's the only reason you were initially attracted to me, too. now i know. not that i've ever considered my job to be anything more than that. a job. authority? god. can't even keep your fucking pants on online. what's funny is that it bothers me as much that you actually on some level considered him to have as much so-called "authority" as me. i've known him longer than you, and he's a fucking a hack. fake-assed poser. how many of *my* ideas, which you internalized so well that i was proud of you, did you pass on to him, doll? you threw away more than yourself -- you threw away my hard work, too. (i even remember once, during dinner, commenting on him, and his bullshit, and remember being surprised when your response indicated that you thought he was "ok." uh-huh.)
so, i remember another similar, bigger, annual conference in chicago. thought it would be cool to come with me. spend some time together. get out of town. share costs for the room and maybe even learn a few things. i remember, after a day of sessions, turning to see you smiling at this asshole, and him smiling at you, your hands attached in what appeared to my innocent, blind eyes at the time to be a simple professional handshake. a greeting between colleagues who had corresponded on the discussion list. i remember too, afterwards, us returning to our room to chill. there was an hour or so before evening social activities. i remember us lying together on the bed, i remember wanting to make love with you, wanting you, trying to seduce you, showing my desire. and you telling me that you had a headache. maybe you did, but you also had guilt, i know now, because you didn't come to chicago with me because you wanted to be with me, or because you wanted to go to the conference. you went because you wanted to see this person. you fucking freeloaded on me to flirt with some asshole. who i knew, through the grapevine. married. 5 kids. what the fuck.
and i remember the next morning. you asking me if i would mind if you met some people for breakfast. of course i didn't mind. why would i mind? now, of course, i also remember how, that morning, you were up and ready way before me. because you wanted to increase the odds that you could go to breakfast without me, could escape, because i wouldn't be ready when you said you were going to meet your colleagues. you asked me if i would mind, because you had no intention of inviting me to join you. they were my colleagues, too. but, you weren't meeting colleagues. now i understand. you were meeting him. or did you just go off on your own, and write your little letter to him? letting him know how much you wanted to spend time with him, getting to know him, how you envisioned spending time with him. bitch. or did you have breakfast with him? did you have each other for breakfast, honey? did you kiss him, honey? did you blow him, honey? whatever you did, fuck you, honey.
so, that's what happened in chicago. then, the next time you and this asshole were at a conference together (did he even plan to go to the cherry valley conference for professional reasons? or was it all a scheme to have your disgusting little tryst?) you were expected to go, and he would meet you there. fuckers. both of you. him married, and you wearing my ring, the diamond i put on your finger the christmas before. did you even take it off your finger while you fucked him, honey?
i remember another time. you'd heard from someone, somewhere, about some possibility to take a job. would involve a lot of time on the road. but you were frustrated with what you were doing, and you thought it sounded like an opportunity. told me about it. took me by surprise, because you couldn't ever stand to be away from me for a second. you are needy that way, dependent. remember what i told you? that if that's what you wanted to do, of course i'd support you -- but i wanted you to really think it through, and not be impulsive about it, because it would mean that we'd be apart a lot of the time, and that was something that made you unhappy. it always had up to that point, anyway. now i get it -- what you wanted was to be able to have a job so that you could have ready reasons to be away from me, to be out of town, so you could pursue your little fuck fantasies. and keep me both in the dark and in your life. fuck you, honey. so, why'd you end up dropping that plan? maybe you thought, shit -- he'll get sick of this real quick, and break up with me. maybe i would have. who knows. we'll never know. but i do know that we are different that way. because, if i didn't think things could work out, as i know now, or if i wanted something else, as i do now, or if i were just tired of us, or sick of you, which i never was -- yes, i would have broken up with you. unlike you who, for whatever twisted reason, changed the rules, changed the reality, broke promises and commitments, and still waited for me to kick you out of my life. fuck you for that, baby. get a spine.
how hard it was for me to comprehend the extent of your deception, your betrayal -- now i get it. you've become so good at lying to yourself that lying to everyone else is second nature. now i understand why, despite how fucking outraged you could be at the world, your family (your father, your brother, your sister), your friends (all of them -- well, wait, besides me, you only really have one), your coworkers (everywhere you worked), me, my son -- everyone -- despite that, you couldn't handle anyone's anger when it was directed at you. how that double-standard drove me crazy. remembering that helps me not miss you.
you can't handle anyone being angry with you because everything you fucking do is an act. nothing's real. it's all conjured up to create some scene you've got playing in your head. it's control freak shit. when those scenes that you so carefully composed didn't work out exactly the way you envisioned, and your behavior actually pissed someone off -- because the rest of us ARE living in the real world, honeybitch -- you couldn't comprehend it. how could anyone be angry at you? because you KNEW that it was all bullshit, all an act, all a lie. and your intention wasn't always to piss people off, because you knew you didn't like that feeling. that sense of being under a dark cloud. the same sense so many of us -- your family, your friends, the people who really care about you -- could feel, the burden of your pain that was tangible when you were feeling it. it leaked, poured out of you. you subjected us all to it. because the only way you know how to connect with people when you're angry is to make them to feel the same shit as you.
pretty republican of you, actually. give everyone what they want -- tell them anything to get them on your side, to win them over, get what you want from them, and then screw them over in the end. you really oughtta think about switching parties. you'd fit right in.
it's all a game for you, babe. everything is made up. your personality, your life, your face. it's all fucking fake. that's why you douse yourself in baby powder every morning. you're afraid of your own scent. i hated that. i love how women smell. they don't smell like babies. you're 29 for chrissakes. take it from me (i've had other lovers before you, baby -- remember?) -- the baby powder? it's not sexy. nothing sexy about having to get through a thin coating of baby powder every time i went down on you, before i could actually lick you, taste you.
all i wanted was you. the real you. the you i thought i knew. the you i was in love with. the you i gave my heart to. maybe she existed. once. but she's gone now. and because of her, you're fading.
so i went to the conference this year. i went because i could, because i felt like it. because i called the asshole-who-you-had-an-affair-with's wife, and told her the whole deal. sent her all of your fucking fantasy love emails. all those words. still seared in my memory. just fucking think about this: how would you feel if you had no clue and then had to read the words you wrote to him? if you found me writing to someone the words you wrote to him? "i want this man -- physically, spiritually, passionately, completely -- i want all of him. i want to be your wife, kevin." you wrote that shit, honeybitch. not to me. yet you lived under my roof, slept in my bed -- i thought it was ours. now i know. it was just mine. you were never really here. it was my home, but it was just your stage.
so i went to the conference. i wondered if he'd be there, after the confessional. wondered how i'd deal with it, with him. i still wonder. would i attack him? would i ignore him? would he try to confront me? would he steer clear? i still want to strangle him and break his balls, yes. i'm ok with him knowing that. knowing even that i'd enjoy it. but it's different now. it's all different now. so i went to the conference. and you didn't.
but it's clear now, at least. so clear that you lied to me and lied to me and lied to me. now i understand. a few things. distance does give clarity, and time does all the formatting. in the end, the story becomes clear, and the presentation is perfect.
3.06.2005
can't tell if this is good news or not....
my horoscope for today:
You're about to shock and amaze your family, friends or anyone else who's
never seen this side of you before. Sure, you're usually eerily objective,
compassionate without getting too emotionally attached -- and you're good
at it, too. But lately? Well, you'll be hard-pressed to keep the tears from
your eyes at a good baby-food commercial. Don't panic. This, too, shall
pass.
hmmmmm...
You're about to shock and amaze your family, friends or anyone else who's
never seen this side of you before. Sure, you're usually eerily objective,
compassionate without getting too emotionally attached -- and you're good
at it, too. But lately? Well, you'll be hard-pressed to keep the tears from
your eyes at a good baby-food commercial. Don't panic. This, too, shall
pass.
hmmmmm...