processing

This all began rather suddenly, you know. We met, were colleagues, became friends, then lovers, and you moved in pretty much as soon as I told you that I loved you.

You've never given yourself any time, you know. Went straight from HS to college, living with your mom, off campus, working, filling every hour you had with school or work, always driven. To be the best. You've been competing with your older sister and brother your whole life. Everyone does this to some extent, of course.

But you never took the time to develop your own life. This is the first time you've ever been on your own, really. On your own. Your own.

Maybe what should have happened was that you should have kept your options open. Kept your life open. Not poured 110% of your energy and focus into the one or two or three things that, at the time, you prioritized as being important -- to the exclusion pretty much of everything else. Definitely to the exclusion of finding yourself, which I realize sounds like pop-psychology. There is a qualitative difference between focusing and prioritizing, you know. In its broader sense, prioritizing isn't about cutting things out of your life, though it sometimes is. Sometimes has to be. But, most of the time, it's about choosing. Choosing what is important. Sorting the most important from the least important without shortening Life's "To-do List." Everything doesn't exist, can't exist, on the same plane. Shouldn't, either. Well, to be honest, maybe it just doesn't for me, and I'm cool with that.

Ask yourself, do you have a center? Of course you do, but you haven't been there. If you have, I haven't seen it. You've never talked about it. And, feeling that, I feel that I haven't been there, either. If you haven't found it, you can't share it. You've spent your time charging forward, trying to make things happen, always wrestling with the balance between maintaining the familiar, the tried and true, the situations that and people who you are comfortable with. Maybe I was a bridge, a means out of your childhood and into the adult world of work and responsibility. I certainly am safe, and would never let anything happen to you. Protective. Nurturing. Supporting. I'm the fucking poster boy. But that's my shit.

You have to remember that everything I try to tell you, when it relates to your interactions with the world, is coming from love. I see how much you suffer, how you run yourself ragged, how you struggle to be good enough, to impress people who impress you, to lead people to believe that you're the shit. The expert. The master. Fuck that shit, girl. In some areas, you are, but in some you aren't. And it's ok. It's normal. It's why people are different, if there's a why.

The only person you need to impress is yourself. Once you get there, you're almost done with the struggle. Or, maybe, once you get there, you can at least choose the battles. You won't ever impress yourself, knowing you, as long as you continue to feel that you're not the total shit. I've said it to you before, when I've felt that you've gotten hung up on some superficial thing, something easy, that you can label as "well done" and "wear" as a reflection of who you are. Some work accomplishment, or how your hair looks, or how clean the bathroom is. Yes, you're the best. Yes you're beautiful. I love you, and I love what you do, and how hard you try. Now get over yourself. All of that stuff -- the hair, the work, the bathroom -- it's pretty, it's cool, it's nice -- but it isn't you. You need to learn to separate the superficial from the real. And yourself from the world of external events. The soul from the mortal coil.

Try to stop filling your time with stuff. Try to get to know yourself. I've told you before, how I learned from Clarissa Pinkola-Estes' Women Who Run With the Wolves (can't remember the chapter) -- you gotta locate your demons inside you, where they live, have to find the very monsters that you fear the most and, when you find them, you have to face your fear and stand up to them and say, "Hi. This is me. Without me, you don't exist. So, c'mere and lemme give you a big fat hug."

You do this, and they lose all their power over you. All their potential to frighten you. I only tell you because I've been there, and it worked for me. And it works, I think, because you realize that it all comes from inside of you. Nothing is happening that isn't of your own creation. Except the weather. And other people. As far as feelings go, they live and die inside your psyche.

You need to find faith, girl. I mean faith as in a feeling of belief. A belief system. Of your own. Might be the one thing that I did take away from my whole Catholic upbringing -- the ability to believe in certain things without proof. Those things being: Love. Energy. Nature. Truth.

I don't believe in anything else. Anything else really big, I should say. Because I do believe in myself, in the energy force that is me. I believe that I am real, and that I am worthy. But I'm not a big deal. I'm certainly not the center of the universe. And that's a true relief, because I don't want the job, man. Parts of the universe are totally fucked up, right now. If I had the job, it'd be hell. The first thing I'd do is send a memo to whatever Higher Power(s) there might be (I assume I'd know if I were the Center of the Universe), the gist of which would be that we really need to revisit the whole structure.

And some long-time personnel would have to go.

all that you can't leave behind

And love
Is not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it

Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen

You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it

Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you care

All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
And all that you see

All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate

It's only time
And I'll never fill up all I find

- U2, "Walk On," All That You Can't Leave Behind (2000)

real love

"As the title expresses, there's a vividness to life even at the bleakest, darkest moments; those are the times when you get the most out of other people. It's as though the poignancy of the thing almost gives you a lightness, you feel free of all the stupid shit, you kind of see life and people and what they're good for." - David Gray

The dawn in all its majesty
Is stealing me away
The dawn in all its honesty
Is turning me to clay
And through the bars of iron rain
Way beyond and back again
I hear the voice of Eden cry
Lift me up I'm walking on high

It's real love
Real love

This world in all its clarity
Is glorious, is fake
This world in all its vanity
Is more than I can take
And down the road the iron wheels
Chain my heart to how it feels
I hear the voice of Eden cry
Lift me up I'm walking on high

It's real love
Real love
Real love
Real love

And something in the heart of me
Is telling me it's time
To meet the eye of destiny
And leave it all behind
And through my bones an iron rage
paints my soul upon the page

I hear the voice of Eden cry
Lift me up to walk on high
Makes me wanna lay and die

It's real love
Real love
Real love
Real love

The dawn in all its majesty
Is stealing me away

- david gray, "Real Love," A New Day at Midnight (2002)

walls up, down

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won't ever have to lose you girl
Won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
It's like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

- david gray, "Please Forgive Me," White Ladder (1999)

jane

maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait 'til you make
the whole kingdom come
so I'm leaving

maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait 'til you make
the whole kingdom come
so I'm leaving

first he turns to you
then he turns to her
so you try to hurt him back
but it breaks your body down
so you try to love bigger
bigger still
but it...it's too late

so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love didn't I?
and I gave it big...sometimes
and I gave it in my own sweet time
I'm just leaving

love is everything...

- jane siberry, "love is everything," When I Was A Boy (1993)

reckless

You won a prize for that, for telling lies
like that so well that I believed it.
I never felt cheated. You were the chosen one,
the pure eyes of Noah's dove.
Choir boys and angles stole your lips and your halo.

In your reckless mind, you act as if
you've got more lives.
In your reckless eyes,you only have time
and your love of danger,
to it you're no stranger.

In that August breeze of those forgotten trees,
your time was set for leaving, come a colder season.
In your reckless eyes, it's never too late
for a chance to seize some final breath of freedom.

Very, so very wise. Don't reveal it.
I'm tired, tired of knowing where it is you're going.

In your reckless mind, you act as if you've got more lives.
In your reckless eyes, you only have time
and your love of danger,
to it you're no stranger.

In your reckless mind, you act as if you've got more lives.
In your reckless eyes, it's never too late
for a chance to seize some final breath of freedom.

- Natalie Merchant, "Noah's Dove," Our Time in Eden (1992)

or...

Or maybe I've become a better friend to myself, finally.

seeking the ground state

The other night's words were about feeling betrayed and sad. Other feelings are happening, too.

As is The Muse's fashion, once her brain realized I wasn't bluffing, she immediately found another place and signed a lease. Almost funny, it's so like her -- once she knows something is going to, or might happen, or once a decision is made to do something, she has to do it. Immediately. I guess she's consistent. Like I said, it's all happened so fast. I've thought that it's quite possible, given her behavior, that she was dabbling in some bullshit idealized fantasy thing -- whatever -- which didn't become reality for her, maybe, until I said in essence "you need to go." (I meant, "we need to be apart to get through this.") Sucks pretty bad, but she needs to figure out some shit, and she can't figure it out living with me, regardless of what she may be thinking. Perhaps the meds evened out her moods, but made her nuts in other ways. I don't know, but I don't want to be the one to bear the burden of responsibility for dealing with it. For the first time in my life, in this kind of situation, I'm worrying about me, and taking care of myself, instead of second-guessing everything I say, and feel, and thinking "oh I want this to work so badly, and what if telling her this was the final straw ......." -- you know the shit -- not doing it. Not going there. If she wants to be with me, then fine, but she needs to know what she wants. And I can't wait around for her to figure it out, and just won't risk getting dragged through the shit so she can grow. Pardon my French, but fuck that. I've had too much of it in my life. I know it isn't my shit, and I've learned that people dealing with this crap are the only ones who can do anything about it. Sad, but they have to change, and only they can do that. Plus, I've tried, lots of times, in past r-ships and in this one, and I'm just tired of it. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Hate to sound jaded, but it seems the likelihood of this level of change taking place in a reasonable period of time is pretty slim, and the potential for those who stick it out to be subjected to serious extended pain is too, too high. Too high for me.

Feels kind of like I'm processing the whole situation at high speed, or something. Maybe it's adrenalin, or maybe my past experiences have given me just that -- experience. Maybe my age. Maybe I've faced what feels to me to be so much of this already in my life that I don't have much patience left for it. Maybe I've finally grown up. I mean, it wasn't like this when my marriage went to hell -- that was total insanity. And when I broke up with C., I was a mess for almost a year. So, something's different. I'm different.

Or maybe, maybe, I'm actually learning how to do it better.

Anyway, there's another part of me that worries. It's just so different. Past r-ship crises have always -- always -- pretty much decimated me emotionally, and sent me into a tailspin that spit out red and black trails of doubt and anger. I've always managed to hold it together, basically -- like, I've been functionally decimated -- can go to work, get up, eat, sleep. But it's always been horribly painful, emotionally and physically for me.

This is no different, and, in fact, may be worse. I really truly love this woman. I know that what it's not is that this was some kind of lesser love. I risked a lot for this r-ship -- my former job, r-ships with colleagues, to some extent my rep. It was all worth it. But I don't feel like I'm dying, and I don't wish I were dead. I have felt that in the past, as the result of this type of heartbreak. Nothing I would ever act on -- I'm so non-suicidal -- just that feeling like, well, if I don't wake up tomorrow, ok. I've felt that, but I don't this time. My heart is broken, but it's like I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to die.

Or I know better, know myself, know I won't let my broken heart kill me. Won't let it break me, either. Won't let it break my soul.

But, it's so different, I kind of worry. Have I lost the ability to feel the pain deeply? Prior to this past weekend, a friend advised me to "get away -- get out of the house -- do something fun and totally carefree -- you deserve a break." Well-intentioned, of course. But, I know me. One, I'm not one, never have been, to work out my pain that way. I knew going into this weekend that it would be hard, and that I would be there. That I would not try to run from it. That I would face it. I need to face it. I need to look life straight in the eye. I need life to see my face, too. That's who I am.

Perhaps it's the sense of somewhat knowing what to anticipate. The forgetfulness and totally distracted spaciness. The acceptance of the fact that, when I'm upset, it takes me six tries to get out of the driveway -- get in the car, forget the keys, get the keys, forgot the wallet, get the wallet, put the keys down, forget them again, forget the CD I want to hear while I drive, fast, needing to sing, scream. It's just me. Me and U2. With or without you. And Husker Du. You left me, you left me, you left me, standing in the rain.

So, hard to tell how I'll feel much in the future, which I readily admit. Still in shock, I think. But not in denial, I'm pretty sure, I hope, not this time. And maybe I'm past the days of black loss-induced anger, past the deeply cutting doubts. I've gotten this far, after all, and I'm ok. I've recovered from everything that's ever happened to me. I have family who I can talk to, and friends, both of whom I trust, and believe in, and am comfortable being open with, with my emotions, my thoughts, my fears. I know I can turn to them, and I know it's not an embarrassing thing, that, in fact, they ache to help as much as I ache to heal.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I just ache to heal. Love isn't lost. I believe that. True love, real love -- it's never lost. It goes somewhere. I don't regret any love I've ever given to anyone in my life. Good begets good. And the fucking universe needs it. If I haven't been able to hold onto it at times, so be it -- call it my cosmic contribution.

And, life's weird. Maybe it will work out. At least we weren't married. But, either way, I know I'll come out of it ok. Just seems to be what I do.

Wanted to tell you personally.

Peace.

the nest has been blown out of the tree

A day. The Muse's father, stepmother, brother and his gf came over to help her move her remaining items from our home. I think I'm still in shock. Spent the day driving and crying, listening to Husker Du, U2 and Jane Siberry. Had to spend a bunch of cash to get a new bed and livingroom furniture. Purchases that can be, should be, fun, like rewards for working hard, acquiring tasteful things to enhance one's living environment. But there is no excitement, and only sadness, with these. Already they feel not as much new as just replacements. Whatever. It's just stuff, has no meaning.

Gotta wait a month for the couch and love seat. At least the bed will be here tomorrow.

I didn't get to say goodbye to the cat, the friendly little furball. Fuck. It's only 8:30; feels like four in the morning.

Like my friend lo, music speaks to me...

From Bob Mould and the boys:

well, you get up every morning
and you see, it's all the same
all the floors and all the walls
and all the rest remains
nothing changes fast enough
the hurry, worry days
it makes you want to give it up
and drift into a haze

revelations seem to be another way
to make the days go faster anyways

we're all exchanging pleasantries
no matter how we feel
and no one knows the difference
'cause it all seems so unreal
you'd better grad ahold of something
simple but it's true
if you don't stop to smell the roses now
they might end up on you

expectations only mean you really think you know
what's coming next, and you don't

yearbooks with their autographs
from friends you might have had
these are your important years
you'd better make them last
falling in and out of love just like...
these are your important years, your life

once you've seen the light, you finally
realize it might end up all right
it might end up all right now

"These Important Years," Warehouse: Songs and Stories (1987)

when was the last time it was warm?
maybe october
had i known then what i know now
same old story
i could've tracked our last summer night together
was it a good one?
i remember seeing carlos santana with you and my son
a warm night, in a constant rain, we three
holding each other to stay warm
swaying to the music
was that it?
or something else
was it sad? another wasted evening
watching reruns on network tv
re-laughing at things funny once
were you thinking of leaving then?
as you laughed, lying across my lap
were your thoughts already in another place?
seeing your life in the light of autumn dusk
your shadow falling separate from mine
even then?

you should have told me
i deserved to know
instead had to find out, had to confront you
with my most vulnerable face
you didn't deny a thing, that much is true
but i had to learn it on my own
i'm the grounded one after all
so tired of it, of the facing, of the digging
of taking the initiative, of enlisting honesty,
of calling on the truth, calling it out, it is there,
it is everywhere, just waiting to be recognized
so tired of seeing it
why do i always have to be the one to see it?
to call it?

shawn colvin sang, "it's gonna be another long one tonight/jst me and my well-intentioned spite"

spite against myself.
of course, it would not have "helped" if i had known,
known that it was our last christmas, just one year after i gave you my ring,
known that it was our last thanksgiving with your mother,
our last christmas with my family,
our last appearance at a birthday party for a niece or a nephew
or my son, my guilt limited to how i keep bringing these people into his life
seeking a replacement for his mother, who lacks the maternal wiring
shit, i did that whole thing backwards
had the child, and then lived my life
when i was your age, i thought i'd have children
but not until i was forty, not until now
but now, i am done having children
i am, have become, a good father, a strong father
the one constant in my child's life
the one he can trust, can rely on
for love, nurturing, help, honesty

there is angry lightning flashing outside
looking through the doors we looked through together
in love, together, sitting outside, looking at the wetlands,
watching the lightning dance across the sky

another person, once in my son's life, gaining his trust,
and now gone
i never would have guessed in a million fucking years
that you really had no idea what commitment was
you did, of course, i believe you
but goddamn it, lover, darling -- i've heard it before
it's all true, yeah, until it changes

the truth does not change
this i know
this i can't deny
this i won't resist

so, the real question i have is this:
what the fuck is wrong with me?
what is it that prevents my lovers from keeping their ends of the commitment?
why do they not tell me what they feel?
why do they get angry with me when i tell them what i feel?
why do they leave, oh god, why do they leave me every time?

pathetic. i know.