suicide is painless

i've never really thought about it. sure, i've had my share of bad days, like everyone else. days when i've felt so oppressed by the shit that life can dump on a person that i've been totally spent, emotionally crushed, suffering from sheer psychic fatigue. i've had to face my share of situations that have launched me into pointless spells of racing thoughts. there was a time in my life -- specifically, it was when my marriage crashed and burned -- that, for a period of about 6 months, i would get off work, stop at this divey little pizza shop/beer store around the corner from where i was living at the time, buy a 6-pack of Bud tall-boys, and drink most or all of them -- not to get drunk, but to be able to get to sleep. i couldn't stop the thought-spinning, but i could physically defeat consciousness.

i have never actively considered taking my own life. it sounds painfully obvious, i know, and i'm not trying to be trite, but one of the secrets to life is to just keep living. keep doing it. because you can get through it. i've found myself at times in some pretty big holes -- emotional, financial -- but i've gotten out of them. i'm not trying to put some big positive spin on any of this. frankly, the shitty times in my life have been pretty shitty. i have definitely experienced days when, lying in bed, i've thought to myself that if for some reason i just don't wake up again, it wouldn't be terribly disappointing to me. but i never didn't want to wake up. just that there were times when, given what i knew i'd have to go through to get back on my feet, and knowing that i would do it, it was the only alternative that presented itself. i either get through this and get over it, or i don't.

not trying to sound exceptional here, or in any way heroic. i've done -- and failed to do -- lots of things that i'm not proud of myself for. but, you know, i'm human. i'm not perfect. and accepting that has taught me that whatever screw up i've made, i can get past it. i can forgive myself, and others, and other people can forgive me, too. we all have weaknesses. we all have shortcomings. that's not the issue.

if i'm in any way fortunate, it may be that i'm blessed with some strengths. it's not a long list, in my opinion. basically, i seem to have a pretty strong will to survive , or at least some high capacity to rebound from adversity. and i can be very stubborn, which has allowed me to maintain some sense of idealism even when the whole concept of idealism seemed pretty shit-stained. and i'm patient. i know how to wait. i don't know why i do, or how i can do it, but i can wait things out. time can frustrate me, but i somehow seem to have an innate understanding of its calloused, immutable nature. i know that it will pass, and that i can watch it pass, if i choose to, without missing much of anything in the meantime.

when you get through rough times in life, what you stand to learn is that, not only can you take it, but life can and will and does get better. and, you know what? when it gets better, you're the one who benefits. just like you're the one who suffers when it's shitty. but to benefit, you have to be there. you have to show up.

i show up. i still have days, don't get me wrong. i'm human, remember? just like you. just like you i have days when there are more questions than answers. when my 45-and-a-half years of survival seem to mean nothing. is it me, or is it everyone else? is it my diet, or my brain? is it stress? is it brain chemistry? is it because of a few bad bumps on the head as a kid? is it because of my parents? is it because of my birth order? is it how i was raised? is it my personality? is it my body language? is it because of how i look? is it because i'm not tall enough? is it because i need to lose weight? is it my voice? is it because of where i live? was i born in the wrong time? was i born in the wrong place? should i have more of this? do i have too much of that? do i need more sleep, or less? am i living in the wrong time zone? am i not ambitious enough? am i a lazy person? am i depressed? do i have a bad attitude? am i delusional? am i naive? am i paranoid? am i immature? am i selfish?

i have just as many questions as you do. answers -- who knows. your guess is probably as good as mine. and my best guess is that, to find out, i guess we just need to show up.