my mind is filled with silvery stars

you'll never read this. you never read it before -- always mystified me. how could you know that your lover kept a blog and yet not want to know what he was writing about? i mean, it's almost like an open invitation to read someone's diary. you just weren't interested.

don't think for a minute that i'm enjoying myself over this. i hate it. i hate feeling empty, and i hate the cycle -- interrupted grieving, i guess. the sadness is real, and it's heavy, and it's inescapable. so i get angry about it to avoind feeling the sadness. this much you taught me -- anger feels better than sadness. i get that about depression now.

Cheer up, honey I hope you can
There is something wrong with me...

that's how it feels. feels like something's wrong with me. like i can't grow up, or i can't pay attention. like i have limited short-term memory. i intend to do something, and then i forget about it, do something else, remember the first thing i meant to do, forget what i was doing, then do something else entirely.

usually nothing.

Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable

Cheer up, honey I hope you can

sometimes, i don't want to try anymore. i just want to cry, and stop.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new

it doesn't mean that coming back new would kill you -- no. it means that if you knew you could come back new, you'd be willing to die for the chance.

that's how i feel.

Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

and that's how i feel. i'm not the ranting, spurned, hurt lover anymore. i'm just sad, and i miss what we had. i know it's over. i know you're gone. i know you aren't coming back, and i know neither one of us has it in us to even think about trying again. i know that would be insane.

i forgot how long it would take me to heal.

i honestly thought going through 9|11 together had sealed our fate. had taught us the real meaning of love. it did for me, i thought. it was what finally kicked me in the ass to quit putting off proposing to you. confirmed for me once and for all how short life is, and how easily we can lose who we most love.

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have

Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

i still feel like i lost you and i don't know why.

so, that's how i feel.

hope you're well,

a.

re-impacting

ok. this is real. still real. all bullshit aside.

do you know -- do you have the slightest clue? -- how much you've hurt me?

pathetic, i am, to even post this. but it's true. this is real. this is true.

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

i saw this. i had to look. because the reasons, the specifics of why you left me are so etched in my memory. i had to look. i don't know why i torture myself like this.

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

i never said it didn't hurt. i've been tru to myself on that point. it hurt. it hurt so bad. it still hurts. and there you are, kissing some stranger. and looking good. great. beautiful. what the fuck happened to you, alison? god! what the fuck!?!??! we had so much, so special -- it was like nothing i've ever experienced.

I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?

I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?

I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

i had to look. had to check back in. to see if what you left me for (ostensibly, for you, the fan of big-assed words) was actually real. and it wasn't. you dumbass. what happened? all of that intensity -- ? -- all for nothing. you aren't going to any damned dave shows. no pp05. nothing. you just left me. for nothing.

what, goddammit, do you have to show for it? what?!? and why am i so hung up on that?

I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart

i do think that. my heart broke. twice. your heart didn't -- you wouldn't let it. that's what happened. that's the only explanation for how/why you could do this. your heart won't break because you're already broken, damn it.

i saw those pics and fell in love with you again. like falling in love with some unattainable person....like an actress, or some woman i'll never meet, yet who i've known in some dream, in a dream full of love. damn it. all of it. god damn it.

i loved you so much, alison.

i just loved you.

my heart still breaks. it still breaks.

Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

loves you
I'm the man who loves you...

i've gotten rid of everything. i had to. everything. everything but you. you still live on, in my head, in my memory. in my heart, my blood.

all i did was love you. damn you. all i did. was love you. i think i get hung up on the whole thing -- the for what? thing -- because i really wish there had been some point to it all. because, damn it, as much as i feel like i don't even know you anymore, like we wouldn't have anything to talk about if we tried, like you're someone completely different from the woman i loved -- i care about you. i wish this had made you happy. i wish something good had come out of it.

but i can't see anything.

motivation

Today's Horoscope for Aquarius: Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make the life you want happen. Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss. Goethe said that once a definitive commitment was made, mighty forces would come to aid you. So what are you waiting for? There's a whole life out there waiting for you -- the life that you've always wanted. All you have to do is make that first, definitive movement toward it. Isn't life too short to waste?

eh. what exactly is the life that i've always wanted? yes, life is short. yes, this all makes sense. but what is it??

pretty sure this isn't it. pretty sure about that. pretty certain, in fact, that i would not have chosen to live my life in this lousy climate. know that i wouldn't have elected to be a single parent. know that i would not have elected to take the middle-class managerial job. well, maybe at some point i would have. maybe when i was 16 it sounded sweet. i'm not 16 though. i'm 43. maybe i had too many years of struggling in underpaid positions, looking at undeserving people in managerial roles, and envying their salaries. who knows.

then again, everything is a choice. i live here, despite being able to live elsewhere. so, that's kinda choosing to live here. i've chosen to commit myself to crazy women, so i've had crazy romantic r-ships, which have all ended poorly. and i'm a single parent, because of one of those relationships. and because i fought for custody -- so, denied the option of a stable nuclear family, i chose to be a single dad. i could stop working in this job, but i keep doing it. i look around, keep my ears open, but i can't find anything i'd rather do, without going broke or having to live poor again. it's like, i don't wanna do this anymore, but i don't wanna do that anymore, either.

and i'm feeling lonely. yet, it's because i chose to end the relationships with crazy people that i've been in.

oh, to be 23 again. i'd love to, if i could do it now -- not then. when i was 23, it wasn't that much fun being 23. i was poor, and naive. reagan was president, and america was no fun. girls were no fun. it was like everyone pretending it was the 50's again. everyone was dressing in khakis and buttondown shirts, with navy crew neck sweaters. everyone was neat, presentable. and if you weren't, you were weird. what everyone always overlooks about that whole golden 50's period is all of the bad shit -- the racism, the oppression of women and minorities, the crime, the corruption of government. the homeless. same probs that we have today. maybe worse then.

i mean, the 50's, after all, caused the 60's to happen. the 60's were a direct response of the young people and the disenfranchised to the accepted status quo of the 50's, to the us vs them dynamic of our culture.

the 60's ended too soon.

it seems a helluva lot more fun now. but, now, i have money. some, at least. and chicks are hotter. society's hotter.

what is my ideal life? what is the life that i've always wanted?

maybe you can tell me.