re-impacting

ok. this is real. still real. all bullshit aside.

do you know -- do you have the slightest clue? -- how much you've hurt me?

pathetic, i am, to even post this. but it's true. this is real. this is true.

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

i saw this. i had to look. because the reasons, the specifics of why you left me are so etched in my memory. i had to look. i don't know why i torture myself like this.

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

i never said it didn't hurt. i've been tru to myself on that point. it hurt. it hurt so bad. it still hurts. and there you are, kissing some stranger. and looking good. great. beautiful. what the fuck happened to you, alison? god! what the fuck!?!??! we had so much, so special -- it was like nothing i've ever experienced.

I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?

I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?

I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

i had to look. had to check back in. to see if what you left me for (ostensibly, for you, the fan of big-assed words) was actually real. and it wasn't. you dumbass. what happened? all of that intensity -- ? -- all for nothing. you aren't going to any damned dave shows. no pp05. nothing. you just left me. for nothing.

what, goddammit, do you have to show for it? what?!? and why am i so hung up on that?

I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart

i do think that. my heart broke. twice. your heart didn't -- you wouldn't let it. that's what happened. that's the only explanation for how/why you could do this. your heart won't break because you're already broken, damn it.

i saw those pics and fell in love with you again. like falling in love with some unattainable person....like an actress, or some woman i'll never meet, yet who i've known in some dream, in a dream full of love. damn it. all of it. god damn it.

i loved you so much, alison.

i just loved you.

my heart still breaks. it still breaks.

Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

loves you
I'm the man who loves you...

i've gotten rid of everything. i had to. everything. everything but you. you still live on, in my head, in my memory. in my heart, my blood.

all i did was love you. damn you. all i did. was love you. i think i get hung up on the whole thing -- the for what? thing -- because i really wish there had been some point to it all. because, damn it, as much as i feel like i don't even know you anymore, like we wouldn't have anything to talk about if we tried, like you're someone completely different from the woman i loved -- i care about you. i wish this had made you happy. i wish something good had come out of it.

but i can't see anything.