my mind is filled with silvery stars

you'll never read this. you never read it before -- always mystified me. how could you know that your lover kept a blog and yet not want to know what he was writing about? i mean, it's almost like an open invitation to read someone's diary. you just weren't interested.

don't think for a minute that i'm enjoying myself over this. i hate it. i hate feeling empty, and i hate the cycle -- interrupted grieving, i guess. the sadness is real, and it's heavy, and it's inescapable. so i get angry about it to avoind feeling the sadness. this much you taught me -- anger feels better than sadness. i get that about depression now.

Cheer up, honey I hope you can
There is something wrong with me...

that's how it feels. feels like something's wrong with me. like i can't grow up, or i can't pay attention. like i have limited short-term memory. i intend to do something, and then i forget about it, do something else, remember the first thing i meant to do, forget what i was doing, then do something else entirely.

usually nothing.

Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable

Cheer up, honey I hope you can

sometimes, i don't want to try anymore. i just want to cry, and stop.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new

it doesn't mean that coming back new would kill you -- no. it means that if you knew you could come back new, you'd be willing to die for the chance.

that's how i feel.

Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

and that's how i feel. i'm not the ranting, spurned, hurt lover anymore. i'm just sad, and i miss what we had. i know it's over. i know you're gone. i know you aren't coming back, and i know neither one of us has it in us to even think about trying again. i know that would be insane.

i forgot how long it would take me to heal.

i honestly thought going through 9|11 together had sealed our fate. had taught us the real meaning of love. it did for me, i thought. it was what finally kicked me in the ass to quit putting off proposing to you. confirmed for me once and for all how short life is, and how easily we can lose who we most love.

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have

Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

i still feel like i lost you and i don't know why.

so, that's how i feel.

hope you're well,

a.