Happy V-Day

So, um, happy valentine's day. Ok? There -- I observe it, and I don't understand it. I have learned that -- in the ever-complex dance of love, if you're a guy in a relationship (or, if I recall, even not in a relationship -- like, anything counts........though in writing this I know that I am welcoming criticism for my male version of what a relationship is, but let's not get into that semantic worm can, shall we.......) then you best buy your lover/spouse/honey/sweetie/gf/baby/friend/pookie flowers -- or you're just plain shit out of luck, dude. Trust me on this one. Oh, I can hear you now: "Oh, it's cool -- we talked about it, and decided that we wouldn't do anything big -- just have dinner or something."

Yah. Sure you did. Or, rather, sure -- you talked about it, and you both said some words, but -- trust me -- it was just sound on the other end there, pal. Sounded like agreement, sounded cool, sounded reasonable -- but keep your head -- it was just a pretty melody. Just sound.

In other words, you best buy your lover/spouse/honey/sweetie/gf/baby/friend/pookie flowers.

Oh, you laugh. Oh, you say, "Nah, thanks for the advice man, but, really -- it's cool."

Silly fool. You best buy your lover/spouse/honey/sweetie/gf/baby/friend/pookie flowers.

Yes, it's senseless, though maybe not totally meaningless. Yes it's a Hallmark holiday. Yes it's all about the sentiment ushers making a buck. Yes, you and your sweetie talked about it and agreed........yada, yada, yada.

You best buy your lover/spouse/honey/sweetie/gf/baby/friend/pookie flowers.

If you still don't get it, help is available. For nine months, and $2,300, you can enroll in Véronique J. Corniola's l'Ecole Française de Séduction, France's first school of seduction. Founder Corniola comments that modern professional women have lost their femininity, which undermines the masculinity of the contemporary male. "Here in France it is what we call castration," she says. "What do you call it in English?...I imported my husband [from Italy]," she says. "He's a real man; it was impossible to find one in France." Coming soon to the California state network. (Corniola also offers a 3-month "speed seduction course" for $1,000 -- but one has to wonder if graduates of the longer standard course have lengthier, more nerve-shaking orgasms...)


In memoriam

Waylon Jennings