jeff tweedy keeps talking to me

There's a whisper
I would like to breathe into your ear but
I'm too scared to
Get that close to you right now...

In the beginning we closed our eyes
Whenever we kissed
We were surprised to
Find so much inside

- Wilco, Pieholden Suite, on Summerteeth

my mind is filled with silvery stars

you'll never read this. you never read it before -- always mystified me. how could you know that your lover kept a blog and yet not want to know what he was writing about? i mean, it's almost like an open invitation to read someone's diary. you just weren't interested.

don't think for a minute that i'm enjoying myself over this. i hate it. i hate feeling empty, and i hate the cycle -- interrupted grieving, i guess. the sadness is real, and it's heavy, and it's inescapable. so i get angry about it to avoind feeling the sadness. this much you taught me -- anger feels better than sadness. i get that about depression now.

Cheer up, honey I hope you can
There is something wrong with me...

that's how it feels. feels like something's wrong with me. like i can't grow up, or i can't pay attention. like i have limited short-term memory. i intend to do something, and then i forget about it, do something else, remember the first thing i meant to do, forget what i was doing, then do something else entirely.

usually nothing.

Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable

Cheer up, honey I hope you can

sometimes, i don't want to try anymore. i just want to cry, and stop.

All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new

it doesn't mean that coming back new would kill you -- no. it means that if you knew you could come back new, you'd be willing to die for the chance.

that's how i feel.

Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

and that's how i feel. i'm not the ranting, spurned, hurt lover anymore. i'm just sad, and i miss what we had. i know it's over. i know you're gone. i know you aren't coming back, and i know neither one of us has it in us to even think about trying again. i know that would be insane.

i forgot how long it would take me to heal.

i honestly thought going through 9|11 together had sealed our fate. had taught us the real meaning of love. it did for me, i thought. it was what finally kicked me in the ass to quit putting off proposing to you. confirmed for me once and for all how short life is, and how easily we can lose who we most love.

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have

Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

i still feel like i lost you and i don't know why.

so, that's how i feel.

hope you're well,

a.

re-impacting

ok. this is real. still real. all bullshit aside.

do you know -- do you have the slightest clue? -- how much you've hurt me?

pathetic, i am, to even post this. but it's true. this is real. this is true.

I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

i saw this. i had to look. because the reasons, the specifics of why you left me are so etched in my memory. i had to look. i don't know why i torture myself like this.

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?

i never said it didn't hurt. i've been tru to myself on that point. it hurt. it hurt so bad. it still hurts. and there you are, kissing some stranger. and looking good. great. beautiful. what the fuck happened to you, alison? god! what the fuck!?!??! we had so much, so special -- it was like nothing i've ever experienced.

I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming
Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight
You were so right when you said that I've been drinking
What was I thinking when I said good night?

I want to hold you in the Bible-black predawn
You're quite a quiet domino, bury me now
Take off your Band-Aid because I don't believe in touchdowns
What was I thinking when I said hello?

I'd always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking
What was I thinking when I let you back in?

i had to look. had to check back in. to see if what you left me for (ostensibly, for you, the fan of big-assed words) was actually real. and it wasn't. you dumbass. what happened? all of that intensity -- ? -- all for nothing. you aren't going to any damned dave shows. no pp05. nothing. you just left me. for nothing.

what, goddammit, do you have to show for it? what?!? and why am i so hung up on that?

I am trying to break your heart
I am trying to break your heart
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy
I am trying to break your heart

i do think that. my heart broke. twice. your heart didn't -- you wouldn't let it. that's what happened. that's the only explanation for how/why you could do this. your heart won't break because you're already broken, damn it.

i saw those pics and fell in love with you again. like falling in love with some unattainable person....like an actress, or some woman i'll never meet, yet who i've known in some dream, in a dream full of love. damn it. all of it. god damn it.

i loved you so much, alison.

i just loved you.

my heart still breaks. it still breaks.

Disposable Dixie-cup drinking
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

loves you
I'm the man who loves you...

i've gotten rid of everything. i had to. everything. everything but you. you still live on, in my head, in my memory. in my heart, my blood.

all i did was love you. damn you. all i did. was love you. i think i get hung up on the whole thing -- the for what? thing -- because i really wish there had been some point to it all. because, damn it, as much as i feel like i don't even know you anymore, like we wouldn't have anything to talk about if we tried, like you're someone completely different from the woman i loved -- i care about you. i wish this had made you happy. i wish something good had come out of it.

but i can't see anything.

motivation

Today's Horoscope for Aquarius: Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make the life you want happen. Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss. Goethe said that once a definitive commitment was made, mighty forces would come to aid you. So what are you waiting for? There's a whole life out there waiting for you -- the life that you've always wanted. All you have to do is make that first, definitive movement toward it. Isn't life too short to waste?

eh. what exactly is the life that i've always wanted? yes, life is short. yes, this all makes sense. but what is it??

pretty sure this isn't it. pretty sure about that. pretty certain, in fact, that i would not have chosen to live my life in this lousy climate. know that i wouldn't have elected to be a single parent. know that i would not have elected to take the middle-class managerial job. well, maybe at some point i would have. maybe when i was 16 it sounded sweet. i'm not 16 though. i'm 43. maybe i had too many years of struggling in underpaid positions, looking at undeserving people in managerial roles, and envying their salaries. who knows.

then again, everything is a choice. i live here, despite being able to live elsewhere. so, that's kinda choosing to live here. i've chosen to commit myself to crazy women, so i've had crazy romantic r-ships, which have all ended poorly. and i'm a single parent, because of one of those relationships. and because i fought for custody -- so, denied the option of a stable nuclear family, i chose to be a single dad. i could stop working in this job, but i keep doing it. i look around, keep my ears open, but i can't find anything i'd rather do, without going broke or having to live poor again. it's like, i don't wanna do this anymore, but i don't wanna do that anymore, either.

and i'm feeling lonely. yet, it's because i chose to end the relationships with crazy people that i've been in.

oh, to be 23 again. i'd love to, if i could do it now -- not then. when i was 23, it wasn't that much fun being 23. i was poor, and naive. reagan was president, and america was no fun. girls were no fun. it was like everyone pretending it was the 50's again. everyone was dressing in khakis and buttondown shirts, with navy crew neck sweaters. everyone was neat, presentable. and if you weren't, you were weird. what everyone always overlooks about that whole golden 50's period is all of the bad shit -- the racism, the oppression of women and minorities, the crime, the corruption of government. the homeless. same probs that we have today. maybe worse then.

i mean, the 50's, after all, caused the 60's to happen. the 60's were a direct response of the young people and the disenfranchised to the accepted status quo of the 50's, to the us vs them dynamic of our culture.

the 60's ended too soon.

it seems a helluva lot more fun now. but, now, i have money. some, at least. and chicks are hotter. society's hotter.

what is my ideal life? what is the life that i've always wanted?

maybe you can tell me.

alcohol is bad for you

mistake #1: despite all the voices telling me to lay low last night, i headed out after my workout. was feeling a little like a cold was coming on, but a barmaid i know had asked me the night before if i was going to be out, so i decided to stop by the bar she mentioned to see her. no one was there, so i headed to her bar. on the way, my son called to see where i was, and even he told me "do you really think that's a good idea if you feel like you're getting sick?" good kid. wise kid. but i told him i was fine and i'd see him later.

mistake #2: instead of the usual flow of awful bud lights, i decided to have capt morgan's and diet coke -- to avoid calories, of all things. i rarely ever drink anything other than beer when i'm out on the town, simply because beer is so much more totally manageable than booze.

mistake #3: so, like a fool, i start consuming these silly little cocktails like they are soft drinks. they are not. i'm fine for about two hours. the girls are chatty and wanting to talk more than usual, and i buy them many drinks. the regulars are amusing. we get some decent music on the new jukebox. and all of a sudden i'm trashed and everyone knows it. pretty funny. the barmaid gently but seriously tells me, "sit right here" and starts bringing me mugs of fresh coffee which i remember was pretty damned good.

after a few, i find the courage to say my goodnights. damn, everyone was so nice to me. they just took care of me like we were old friends. it was nice. i made it home and passed out.

it was fun, but i gotta stick to beer. *laughs*

oh, how true, true, true...

true, so true

Aquarius

There's usually at least a two second delay between thought and words --
for most signs, anyway. In your case, it's about a second, on slow days. At
the moment, however, there will be no delay, which makes you pretty darned
dangerous. Basically, if you were regulated by the FCC, they'd have your
license by noon. Keep that in mind before you go off on anyone who's not as
well armed in the verbal department as you happen to be.

some fairly hilarious stuff

some pretty hilarious stuff

at a fairly hilarious site.

have fun.

interesting site

interesting site

feeling sexy?

~enjoy!~

from the fine folks at Tickle

from the folks at Tickle

who obviously have too much time on their hands.

When talking to your partner, you're a Diplomat

This means that you tend to be a cooperative partner with first-rate listening and negotiation skills. Above all, you seem to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your significant other. In your mind, it's usually far better to talk about problems as they arise rather than sweep them under the rug. For you to really feel connected to your special someone, it's important that they hear and understand you. Ordinarily, you'll return this courtesy tenfold by paying close attention to your partner's perspective.

Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.

Your moves are fresh when it comes to Being Creative

It's clear you're a unique individual with your own way of expressing yourself and your inner artist. Whether it's with a pen, paintbrush, play, or punk rock band, you've got a creative energy you just can't ignore. Your fresh ideas and imagination are sure to shine through wherever you go. Maybe your flair for fashion shows up in your wardrobe. Maybe you cause a stir with your latest performance piece or surprise people with your latest artistic creation. However you do it, you're sure to attract many admiring fans with your fresh perspectives and creativity!

Suave

Wow — you're quite the Casanova! You know how to play the dating game; in fact, you're damn good at it. We can tell you're a real woman-magnet and are never without an admirer or three. When combined with your significant charm, your attentive, sensitive demeanor makes you irresistible. Someone definitely made sure that you know how to treat a woman — ladies always feel special and appreciated when you're with them. You've got a knack for expressing yourself and showing your interest without looking too eager, too. That's a difficult balancing act, and you deserve a pat on the back for perfecting it. At the rate you're going you won't be dating much longer before you score your dream girl!

...bring her on....

Looks like your sex drive's in Fourth Gear!

So how's the view from the driver's seat? Your sex drive is in a very healthy Fourth Gear, and you're cruising down what Aretha Franklin called the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac! It's great that you know what you want, when you want it, and with whom. Your lusty interest is certainly piqued, but let's make sure that it's not peaking! The key to maintaining that healthy libido is maintaining a healthy lifestyle. A wholesome diet (plenty of water, a good dose of fiber every day, vitamins, minerals—the works) will keep that motor humming. And a smart exercise plan will help you stay flexible, strong, and ready for love. Healthy moves like these will help your lust for life keep up with your lust for, well, you know.

Material Upkeep
Although you definitely appreciate a first-class lifestyle, you don't feel a constant need to indulge yourself. Sure, it's fun to spoil yourself with fancy dinners or designer clothes every once in a while, but you probably don't need everything in your life to be top of the line all the time. Congratulations! You know how to indulge yourself the right way — in moderation.

Emotional Upkeep
You like being a top priority in your partner's life, but you also respect his/her independence — good for you! Sure, it's important for you to feel valued and appreciated in your relationship, but your expectations for your significant other tend to be realistic and attainable. You definitely know how you want to be treated, but you don't think the only fulfilling relationship is one filled with constant doting.

and the horoscope says......

yesterday's: If you're single, it's time to get out there and resume your hunt for the perfect partner. You'll be amazed at how many prospective admirers will want to have a shot at the title, too. All you have to do is get dressed and get yourself on the scene. You'll be the center of attention, no matter where you are -- and for only the loveliest of reasons.

today's: After days of dashing about, doing at least three things at once, you're suddenly in the mood to snuggle -- and you know exactly who to invite to help satisfy that wish. If you're single, however, don't settle for a teddy bear. Get out there and start looking around. You're definitely due to meet someone new. And this time out, they'll probably be intelligent enough to keep you interested.

....stars trying to tell me something? maybe that explains why the girl in the bar the other night decided to back between my legs as i sat on the stool at the bar, lean her ass against me and reach behind herself to fondle me.......who knows?

oh, fans???...

just wanted to tell you that i really do hope i didn't scare you away yesterday.

even Your Humble Chronicler gets pissed off sometimes.

like the X used to tell me -- i have many layers. remember that. ;)

thanks for bearing with me. you've been great.

reimpacting by surprise

reimpacting (a surprise) and further clarity

spent the past two days at a regional conference. it happens every year. when i took my current assignment, i attended one. it sucked. spent more time in transit than in actual conference sessions, and the sessions were mostly crap, and the ones that weren't covered stuff i already knew, and in some cases even stuff that i originated in past programs that i've managed. (stayed actually in the same place where you, 2+ years later, planned to meet your married lover while in town to attend a show. i wonder if you stayed in the same room that i did, when i was there, doing what i said i was doing, not cheating. missing you, even. all i remember was that the room i stayed in smelled like pipe tobacco and had some luminary's name on a plaque outside the door. you went to the concert, but i ruined your fuck plans.)

i've blown off this conference the past two years. for a couple of reasons: the last one i went to sucked (was a waste of time and limited resources); i know most of this shit already, and have grown tired of listening to people present things as if they're breaking new ground when they're not doing anything more than i've ever done and -- as i said above -- a lot of it is stuff that *i* broke ground on (if there were royalties in this business, or if intellectual property could be reasonably patented, i'd be a rich fuck); i've lost my patience with the high number of absolute hacks in my field who do nothing but embarrass me with how disproportionate their actual knowledge is to their titles; and i didn't want to see the fucker who you had an affair with.

you "met" him through a fucking professional email discussion list back before we even moved out here. attracted, as you are, to men in positions of authority. that's the only reason you were initially attracted to me, too. now i know. not that i've ever considered my job to be anything more than that. a job. authority? god. can't even keep your fucking pants on online. what's funny is that it bothers me as much that you actually on some level considered him to have as much so-called "authority" as me. i've known him longer than you, and he's a fucking a hack. fake-assed poser. how many of *my* ideas, which you internalized so well that i was proud of you, did you pass on to him, doll? you threw away more than yourself -- you threw away my hard work, too. (i even remember once, during dinner, commenting on him, and his bullshit, and remember being surprised when your response indicated that you thought he was "ok." uh-huh.)

so, i remember another similar, bigger, annual conference in chicago. thought it would be cool to come with me. spend some time together. get out of town. share costs for the room and maybe even learn a few things. i remember, after a day of sessions, turning to see you smiling at this asshole, and him smiling at you, your hands attached in what appeared to my innocent, blind eyes at the time to be a simple professional handshake. a greeting between colleagues who had corresponded on the discussion list. i remember too, afterwards, us returning to our room to chill. there was an hour or so before evening social activities. i remember us lying together on the bed, i remember wanting to make love with you, wanting you, trying to seduce you, showing my desire. and you telling me that you had a headache. maybe you did, but you also had guilt, i know now, because you didn't come to chicago with me because you wanted to be with me, or because you wanted to go to the conference. you went because you wanted to see this person. you fucking freeloaded on me to flirt with some asshole. who i knew, through the grapevine. married. 5 kids. what the fuck.

and i remember the next morning. you asking me if i would mind if you met some people for breakfast. of course i didn't mind. why would i mind? now, of course, i also remember how, that morning, you were up and ready way before me. because you wanted to increase the odds that you could go to breakfast without me, could escape, because i wouldn't be ready when you said you were going to meet your colleagues. you asked me if i would mind, because you had no intention of inviting me to join you. they were my colleagues, too. but, you weren't meeting colleagues. now i understand. you were meeting him. or did you just go off on your own, and write your little letter to him? letting him know how much you wanted to spend time with him, getting to know him, how you envisioned spending time with him. bitch. or did you have breakfast with him? did you have each other for breakfast, honey? did you kiss him, honey? did you blow him, honey? whatever you did, fuck you, honey.

so, that's what happened in chicago. then, the next time you and this asshole were at a conference together (did he even plan to go to the cherry valley conference for professional reasons? or was it all a scheme to have your disgusting little tryst?) you were expected to go, and he would meet you there. fuckers. both of you. him married, and you wearing my ring, the diamond i put on your finger the christmas before. did you even take it off your finger while you fucked him, honey?

i remember another time. you'd heard from someone, somewhere, about some possibility to take a job. would involve a lot of time on the road. but you were frustrated with what you were doing, and you thought it sounded like an opportunity. told me about it. took me by surprise, because you couldn't ever stand to be away from me for a second. you are needy that way, dependent. remember what i told you? that if that's what you wanted to do, of course i'd support you -- but i wanted you to really think it through, and not be impulsive about it, because it would mean that we'd be apart a lot of the time, and that was something that made you unhappy. it always had up to that point, anyway. now i get it -- what you wanted was to be able to have a job so that you could have ready reasons to be away from me, to be out of town, so you could pursue your little fuck fantasies. and keep me both in the dark and in your life. fuck you, honey. so, why'd you end up dropping that plan? maybe you thought, shit -- he'll get sick of this real quick, and break up with me. maybe i would have. who knows. we'll never know. but i do know that we are different that way. because, if i didn't think things could work out, as i know now, or if i wanted something else, as i do now, or if i were just tired of us, or sick of you, which i never was -- yes, i would have broken up with you. unlike you who, for whatever twisted reason, changed the rules, changed the reality, broke promises and commitments, and still waited for me to kick you out of my life. fuck you for that, baby. get a spine.

how hard it was for me to comprehend the extent of your deception, your betrayal -- now i get it. you've become so good at lying to yourself that lying to everyone else is second nature. now i understand why, despite how fucking outraged you could be at the world, your family (your father, your brother, your sister), your friends (all of them -- well, wait, besides me, you only really have one), your coworkers (everywhere you worked), me, my son -- everyone -- despite that, you couldn't handle anyone's anger when it was directed at you. how that double-standard drove me crazy. remembering that helps me not miss you.

you can't handle anyone being angry with you because everything you fucking do is an act. nothing's real. it's all conjured up to create some scene you've got playing in your head. it's control freak shit. when those scenes that you so carefully composed didn't work out exactly the way you envisioned, and your behavior actually pissed someone off -- because the rest of us ARE living in the real world, honeybitch -- you couldn't comprehend it. how could anyone be angry at you? because you KNEW that it was all bullshit, all an act, all a lie. and your intention wasn't always to piss people off, because you knew you didn't like that feeling. that sense of being under a dark cloud. the same sense so many of us -- your family, your friends, the people who really care about you -- could feel, the burden of your pain that was tangible when you were feeling it. it leaked, poured out of you. you subjected us all to it. because the only way you know how to connect with people when you're angry is to make them to feel the same shit as you.

pretty republican of you, actually. give everyone what they want -- tell them anything to get them on your side, to win them over, get what you want from them, and then screw them over in the end. you really oughtta think about switching parties. you'd fit right in.

it's all a game for you, babe. everything is made up. your personality, your life, your face. it's all fucking fake. that's why you douse yourself in baby powder every morning. you're afraid of your own scent. i hated that. i love how women smell. they don't smell like babies. you're 29 for chrissakes. take it from me (i've had other lovers before you, baby -- remember?) -- the baby powder? it's not sexy. nothing sexy about having to get through a thin coating of baby powder every time i went down on you, before i could actually lick you, taste you.

all i wanted was you. the real you. the you i thought i knew. the you i was in love with. the you i gave my heart to. maybe she existed. once. but she's gone now. and because of her, you're fading.

so i went to the conference this year. i went because i could, because i felt like it. because i called the asshole-who-you-had-an-affair-with's wife, and told her the whole deal. sent her all of your fucking fantasy love emails. all those words. still seared in my memory. just fucking think about this: how would you feel if you had no clue and then had to read the words you wrote to him? if you found me writing to someone the words you wrote to him? "i want this man -- physically, spiritually, passionately, completely -- i want all of him. i want to be your wife, kevin." you wrote that shit, honeybitch. not to me. yet you lived under my roof, slept in my bed -- i thought it was ours. now i know. it was just mine. you were never really here. it was my home, but it was just your stage.

so i went to the conference. i wondered if he'd be there, after the confessional. wondered how i'd deal with it, with him. i still wonder. would i attack him? would i ignore him? would he try to confront me? would he steer clear? i still want to strangle him and break his balls, yes. i'm ok with him knowing that. knowing even that i'd enjoy it. but it's different now. it's all different now. so i went to the conference. and you didn't.

but it's clear now, at least. so clear that you lied to me and lied to me and lied to me. now i understand. a few things. distance does give clarity, and time does all the formatting. in the end, the story becomes clear, and the presentation is perfect.

can't tell if this is good news or not....

my horoscope for today:

You're about to shock and amaze your family, friends or anyone else who's
never seen this side of you before. Sure, you're usually eerily objective,
compassionate without getting too emotionally attached -- and you're good
at it, too. But lately? Well, you'll be hard-pressed to keep the tears from
your eyes at a good baby-food commercial. Don't panic. This, too, shall
pass.

hmmmmm...

we are never alone

have you visited Breakup Babe?

welcome back (to me)

dear readers,

sorry for my delayed absence. it's been awhile. it's been almost 4 months. one could argue, almost 3 years. one could argue, almost seven years. anyways, i'm back.

how back am i? hard to tell. what is clear is that it's a feeling. kind of like finally feeling better after a really bad illness. like waking up from a coma, maybe. like returning from war, maybe. like, wow, here i am again, and i'm ok, and the world is ok, and no one's shooting at me. kind of like that. i feel better.

how better? hard to tell, but getting less so, less hard to tell, that is. feeling more normal. more baseline. you know -- water on the stove for tea and laundry in the dryer normal. not the spinning out of control, grasping, gasping, clinging-for-dear-life abnormal.

feeling done. better, but done.

moving on is odd. interesting, intriguing, bizarre. here's one indication: i spent a portion of last night lending my ear and support to a stripper who's having relationship problems. and another portion chatting with some mid-30's woman who was raised by a stripper/hooker (well, not-raised would be more accurate, based on her pretty straightforward description of her mother as "not mother material -- it's like she never matured." she pretty much has spent most of her life mothering her mother.) i was attracted to her hair, so sat down next to her and said hi. she had strong rough hands, and a rough face semi-hidden by make-up in that way that makes a woman look about 5-10 yrs younger than she is from across the room, but up close you can tell. can see the lines. can see the rough spots. she talked pretty much non-stop, and i listened. talked about her kids, and her on-again-off-again boyfriend, and her ex-husband ("he's 42, but he's old -- and he wants to be -- he wants to be an old man").

about how she likes to dance and is a very good dancer, as is her 9 year old daughter, about her mom, who danced for larry flint, about how she quit drinking for 10 years but started again recently, about her brother, who she loves but is tired of enabling, how he's in jail now, for burglary, but before, when he was living with her, was stealing her food and giving it to junkies, and how he punched her and she slashed his forehead.

about the job she lost making $50K/yr because of a drug habit that her mother created, how she's looking for work, because she got laid off from her last job and she's thinking of waitressing because she's worked with the public since she was 19, was on her own at 13, about how her uncle died recently from a drug problem, and she inherited the leather couch that he died on because no one else wanted it, and all his clothes, and how she was close to him, so was glad that, though they'd been fighting, they'd reconciled about two months before he died, about how badly in debt he was and no one knew.

interesting. pretty hair. not quite my type. finished my beer while a vietnam vet fondled a beautiful young woman who was i would say 3X younger than him. she took it in stride. a complete professional.

they say when you can begin to help others, you must be on the mend.

i've been stabbed

that's what it feels like, anyway. for the past two months, since the break-up, i've had a burning sensation over my left shoulder blade which ranges from a concentrated spot of pain, like a knot in a muscle, to a burning that covers my entire shoulder blade and spreads to my tricep, kind of tingly and numb around the edges.

i know it's nothing muscular. it started with the break up, and it has intensified as things got worse. or, rather, more final. i've tried stretching, i've tried heat, i've tried alleve. no effect. it's in my head. or, rather, my heart. this is a clear physical manifestation of my emotional and spiritual pain.

here's what i think. if our bodies are the vessels of our souls, and we love another person so deeply that we feel connected to their soul -- if you love them so that they are in your blood, in your skin, your breath -- so that when they are gone, you remind yourself of them -- then, when they leave you, your soul has to disentangle from theirs.

my soul, for the past two months, found this spot on my shoulder blade. i don't know why. it's near enough my heart. maybe my heart's too strong, or maybe it isn't "my time" yet. maybe i was mortally wounded by an ax blow to my left shoulder in some past lifetime, or in many, in some past war, and this particular spot on my body is weak. or maybe not weak, but predetermined by my soul's past history to be kind of a portal, an entry point, an exit route.

to disentangle itself from alison's soul, my soul used this spot on my shoulder blade to do its work. it's still doing it. it still hurts like hell. it had to leave me, and i think a lot of the pain has been the result of me unconsciously trying not to let it go, trying desperately to hold on, to my soul, to her soul, to what we had, to what she ruined. but the soul knows no boundaries, and when it needs to go, it goes.

and in its leaving, and in my desperate grasping, i have felt the fierce power of my own soul leaving my body to do what it needs to do, burning my flesh, tearing my skin, pulling itself out of me to disperse in the universe, to do the reverse dance, to disentangle itself from her so that i can survive.

i think what i'm feeling now is it coming back into me. my soul is returning. my wound is still fresh, it still aches, is still sensitive to the touch. but i'm hoping that just as the leaving caused this metaphysical rupture, this spiritual laceration, that the returning will be eventually like a soothing balm, like a slow gradual repairing of the damage.

that's what i think. that's where i am. peace.

yowsa



yum. want it, need it. hook me up. i'm lonesome and my heart is broken.

alive and well

guess who I saw on Sunday night? uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-ooooooooooo!



yup. the Pixies, ladies and gentlemen. happy to report that all are well. Charles (Black Francis/Frank Black) Thompson can still scream, Kim Deal is still totally cool, Joey Santiago still throws feedback around like nobody's business, and David Lovering still channels Keith Moon.

go see 'em.

fuck

i'm single again.

why is love not enough?

i hate this.

authentic happiness

took this survey today. here's what it said, based on 9 pages of self-scoring questions:

Signature Strengths ("The ranking of the strengths reflects your overall ratings of yourself on the 24 strengths in the survey, how much of each strength you possess. Your top five, especially those marked as Signature Strengths, are the ones to pay attention to and find ways to use more often.")

Top Strength

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Second Strength

Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.

Third Strength

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

Fourth Strength

Love of learning You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Fifth Strength

Bravery and valor You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well ain't i just special.

enuff to go around

well, shit. just when it looked like i was getting back into a groove of regular posting (well, it felt that way to me, anyway), some latest MS upgrade made posting to blgger from Internet Explorer at first a big pain in the ass (see reference to lost post, below) and then completely impossible. hence, the hiatus.

so, a tip from a techie led me to download and install the free version of Mozilla's Firefox. and now everything works better than it ever has. fancy that. kinda makes ya wonder if maybe MS is working on its own version of blogger........

of course, now that it works again, i'm not much feel like writing. since you've been kind enough to check up on me, though, here's what i've been up to:

finished reading:

• Broken Music: A Memoir, by Sting. Interesting, on a number of levels, but nothing like I anticipated it would be. Turns out the Stingster is just a normal guy, the son of working class people, who struggled and worked hard to make it big, and who cites that and sheer determination more than any brilliant talent as the reason for his success. Perhaps he's just humble. When I finished the book, I was sad.
  
  
• Jarhead, by Anthony Swofford. A much better read, as books go. Swofford has the way, that's for damned sure. I intended to leave you an excerpt here, to get a taste of his style and the tone of the memoir, but I had returned the book before I was able to start posting again. Choppy at times, but only in that way that people who know how to write will notice, and only in a way that makes them (read: us) jealous that Swofford was able to either get past any worries he had that the style would prevent the book from being accepted by a publisher, or he's brilliant enough to have worked in the choppiness intentionally to reinforce that sense of the soldier waiting for combat -- who said it? -- "long periods of boredom alternating with tedium, with occasional side trips to ennui." Anyway, read it. Well worth it.

and yesterday, laid up with some undiagnosed sickness, I watched Tod Browning's Freaks, a dark and bizarre morality tale filmed over 36 days in 1931 and released for only a few months in 1932 before being pulled from distribution. The fillm is set behind the scenes at a turn-of-the-century traveling European circus and revolves around the lives of the side show performers, or "freaks" as they proudly refer to themselves. Strange and sad, along the lines The Blue Angel, the Greta Garbo classic filmed just a year earlier. Oddly enough, parts of the Freaks set were recycled from Garbo’s Susan Lenox: Her Fall and Rise; perhaps bits of her ambience carried over. One can easily make some parallels between the relationship of Cleopatra with the little person Hans (in Freaks) and that between the whore Lola and the Professor, in Angel. Each flick takes a look at star-crossed love through distorted lenses, and each in its own way documents the fast-wilting flower of forbidden love, and the sickly sweet and deadly fruit of betrayal. The sentiment appears today to be dated, over-romanticized, and idealized, but each film remains heartrending and poignant.

and, last night, like all of you, watched the debates. thought our boy John did pretty well for himself. let's hope that helps realign the momentum.

have a weekend.