Isn't it Enronic?

Ooh. Accountants at Arthur Andersen doing creative accounting. What a concept.

Speaking of concepts -- sad to see the Catholic Church in the news in such a shitty light. Can't say that we're suprised. Now, lest all you faithful followers out there get yer p(R)anti(l)es in a wad, know that The Band is a product of twelve full years of Catholic schooling. Wasn't until Your Humble Chronicler began to study the roots of Catholicism and theology as an undergrad at Case Western Reserve University that we learned that we had, in the lingo of the Church, "fallen fully and wholly away from the Catholic and Apostolic faith." (Thinking back -- aside from some personal opinions that birth control simply makes sense and that homosexual relationships aren't "unnatural" -- we recall that the specific criterion for our personal fall from grace was our skepticism over such miracles as The Ascension and The Assumption; to be a Catholic, according to Church doctrine, you must accept wholly a belief in these and other miracles. We know it wasn't about premarital sex, because -- with the exception of many hours of lip-locking and some well-intentioned heavy petting, we lost our cherry way later than we like to admit -- likely a result, in part, of the aforementioned twelve years of programming. Not that we're bitter; in fact, we like to think that the years of deprivation of the Sweeter Fruits engendered a strong sensual imagination. Though we must confess that we still harbor a few hazy memories of some long-lost (then) young hotties who, if we knew then what we know now..... - Ed.) Anyway -- we share this because we believe that the only legitimate critics are those individuals with first-hand experience. So, we speak here as former Catholics, and not as is so often the case as non/never-been-Catholics who have a marked lack of understanding about the history and traditions of Catholicism.

That being said, we're fairly certain that the recent media attention to the latest example of a priest being evil will not help matters. However, the Church has a long-standing tradition and firmly established practice of not helping itself. To cite a few examples:

The Catholic faith teaches that priests are shepherds of the flock, and encourages the faithful to turn to the individual priests assigned to their parishes as spiritual guides and sources of wise advice. We've never understood how followers could, with any sense of confidence, could turn to their priests for marital or relationship advice, when one of the criteria for priesthood is celibacy, which pretty much takes these guys out of the experience loop, as far as the Mysterious Dance of Love Between Mortals goes. In other words, when you're planning a wilderness adventure, you don't turn to an inveterate city dweller for survival tips.

The Band recommends: Priests should be permitted to have personal relationships, including getting married and having families. Most other faiths have already come to terms with and accepted this as a good idea for their spiritual leaders. Rabbis have wives and families and kids -- and even businesses. In a world where so much unhappiness stems from misunderstandings over love or money, believers should be able to turn to leaders who can speak from experience. Furthermore, in light of the sexual dysfunction so rampant within the ranks of the Church, permitting priests to have normal intimate relationships could go a long way towards reducing the Draconian repression of nature.

For quite a number of years -- decades, even -- the Church has faced a personnel crisis. There aren't enough priests available to serve the willing faithful. Yet, as an organization, it continues to limit its prospects for recovery, let alone growth, by eliminating half of its applicant pool -- say it with us, folks -- women -- from the mix. When women are permitted to participate, it is in the roles of nuns and sisters -- roles which are subservient to priests. Perhaps not so much by design as by tradition, women who take the vow are permitted to participate in the ritual of The Mass, but they are restricted from being able to administer the seven holy Sacraments. This flies in the face of what Mary Magdalene was all about, let alone others who come to mind -- Edith Stein, Hildegarde of Bingen and Joan of Arc, not to mention Mother Theresa.

The Band recommends: Open the priesthood ranks to women.

With the exception pehaps of the Jesuit order (members of which are required to study for, like, 16 years before earning their license), the Church is rife with priests/leaders who themselves seem to either not understand theology or to be so frightened and intimidated by the complementary concepts of personal freedom and individual responsibility that they routinely mislead their parishioners/followers. Misinformation about Catholicism is rampant among practicing Catholics. It's no wonder that non-Catholics so often have warped views of Catholics -- at least they have a viable excuse for their misunderstanding. Couple of examples:

• Traditional Catholics widely believe in what's technically called papal infallibility, which is a belief that the Pope is never wrong, because whatever Il Papa says is Divinely Inspired. Since the established Rules of Engagement between God(s) and (hu)Man(s) dictate that the gods are always right ("As Flies to wanton Boyes, are we to th' Gods,/They kill us for their sport" - King Lear), then, whatever the Pope says cannot be wrong. This is inaccurate. Church doctrine states that, as the leader of the Church, the official Head Shepherd, the Pope has an obligation to his flock to provide sound and humane guidance. When an issue is so complex (abortion, euthanasia, peace on Earth) that it can't be left to priests, pastors, bishops or cardinals to decide, and if within the Church itself there exist so many dissenting opinions that the Pope's involvement is required, then the protocol is that the final ruling will lie with the Pope. It is important here to note that the Catholic Church, in such matters, very closely follows a "rule of law" model. In other words, it takes the long view, and tries to stay true to its mission. For instance, the Church's stance on birth control flows from a belief that only God has the power to determine when a human soul comes into existence, and when that soul takes the long flight home. It truly believes that, if it were to give responsible birth control the green light, then it isn't inconceivable that, way down the line, it'll be held to that same standard on other issues: If we say it's ok for wo/men to decide when a new life is conceived, then we wrest that power from God, and, once we do that, it's all downhill from there. When the Pope makes such a decision, he will issue what is called a papal encyclical, which is basically an official communication from the Vatican in Rome, HQ of the Holy See. These encyclicals (of which there are many, and some of them are quite good -- John XXIII's Pacem in Terris comes to mind) take the form of a holy press release, kind of, but with more weight......more like a real serious corporate memo. Anyway -- papal infallibilty simply means, according to Church doctrine, that -- when the Pope issues an opinion -- it's probably a pretty good and thoughtful opinion. It means that he has consulted with experts and spiritual leaders, and has devoted a great deal of his time and energy to private, quiet, solemn contemplation of the issue, and, at the time that he releases his decision to the public, it is his best effort. In other words, he might not be 100% right, but he's fairly certain that his opinion won't be totally bogus.
  
  
• Another huge misconception -- again widely adhered to by a large percentage of the sheep who make it a regular practice to check in at the main barn every Sunday and on designated Holy Days -- is that the Church has rules and, if you don't follow them, then as a Catholic you suck, and as a human you're prolly gonna land yourself in Hell. This again is an inaccurate representation of the Church's views on a major concept. There is within the Catholic faith a basic Christian tenet that "Man is free until it is determined that he is bound." (This may come straight from the writings of Thomas Aquinas, but I'm not certain. Could be Heidegger. Maybe Kierkegaard. - Ed.) What this means, in a nutshell, is that humans are free to live their lives in whatever way they choose, as long as they do not cause harm or hurt to other humans. If you can't do this, says the Church, then we have some rules that you can follow and, if you adhere to them, you'll probably live a decent life. If, however, you're comfortable troubleshooting your own attempt at existence and you have a solid, humane and forgiving belief system which serves as your personal worldview and to which you adhere as a core philosophy which influences and instructs all of your life choices -- again, with the understanding that none of your choices will harm yourself or anyone else -- then you're perfectly free to do it your way, Mr. Sinatra. But, if you can't, we'll provide a handbook that will keep you out of trouble.

The Band recommends: Know your material, tell the truth and give your followers some credit.

And study, damn it.