suicide is painless

i've never really thought about it. sure, i've had my share of bad days, like everyone else. days when i've felt so oppressed by the shit that life can dump on a person that i've been totally spent, emotionally crushed, suffering from sheer psychic fatigue. i've had to face my share of situations that have launched me into pointless spells of racing thoughts. there was a time in my life -- specifically, it was when my marriage crashed and burned -- that, for a period of about 6 months, i would get off work, stop at this divey little pizza shop/beer store around the corner from where i was living at the time, buy a 6-pack of Bud tall-boys, and drink most or all of them -- not to get drunk, but to be able to get to sleep. i couldn't stop the thought-spinning, but i could physically defeat consciousness.

i have never actively considered taking my own life. it sounds painfully obvious, i know, and i'm not trying to be trite, but one of the secrets to life is to just keep living. keep doing it. because you can get through it. i've found myself at times in some pretty big holes -- emotional, financial -- but i've gotten out of them. i'm not trying to put some big positive spin on any of this. frankly, the shitty times in my life have been pretty shitty. i have definitely experienced days when, lying in bed, i've thought to myself that if for some reason i just don't wake up again, it wouldn't be terribly disappointing to me. but i never didn't want to wake up. just that there were times when, given what i knew i'd have to go through to get back on my feet, and knowing that i would do it, it was the only alternative that presented itself. i either get through this and get over it, or i don't.

not trying to sound exceptional here, or in any way heroic. i've done -- and failed to do -- lots of things that i'm not proud of myself for. but, you know, i'm human. i'm not perfect. and accepting that has taught me that whatever screw up i've made, i can get past it. i can forgive myself, and others, and other people can forgive me, too. we all have weaknesses. we all have shortcomings. that's not the issue.

if i'm in any way fortunate, it may be that i'm blessed with some strengths. it's not a long list, in my opinion. basically, i seem to have a pretty strong will to survive , or at least some high capacity to rebound from adversity. and i can be very stubborn, which has allowed me to maintain some sense of idealism even when the whole concept of idealism seemed pretty shit-stained. and i'm patient. i know how to wait. i don't know why i do, or how i can do it, but i can wait things out. time can frustrate me, but i somehow seem to have an innate understanding of its calloused, immutable nature. i know that it will pass, and that i can watch it pass, if i choose to, without missing much of anything in the meantime.

when you get through rough times in life, what you stand to learn is that, not only can you take it, but life can and will and does get better. and, you know what? when it gets better, you're the one who benefits. just like you're the one who suffers when it's shitty. but to benefit, you have to be there. you have to show up.

i show up. i still have days, don't get me wrong. i'm human, remember? just like you. just like you i have days when there are more questions than answers. when my 45-and-a-half years of survival seem to mean nothing. is it me, or is it everyone else? is it my diet, or my brain? is it stress? is it brain chemistry? is it because of a few bad bumps on the head as a kid? is it because of my parents? is it because of my birth order? is it how i was raised? is it my personality? is it my body language? is it because of how i look? is it because i'm not tall enough? is it because i need to lose weight? is it my voice? is it because of where i live? was i born in the wrong time? was i born in the wrong place? should i have more of this? do i have too much of that? do i need more sleep, or less? am i living in the wrong time zone? am i not ambitious enough? am i a lazy person? am i depressed? do i have a bad attitude? am i delusional? am i naive? am i paranoid? am i immature? am i selfish?

i have just as many questions as you do. answers -- who knows. your guess is probably as good as mine. and my best guess is that, to find out, i guess we just need to show up.

in memorium

what possible good could come from...

i hate tv news networks. nbc, cnn, larry king, paula zahn, mainstream or local news -- they all are insensitive ratings whores.

of course, i disappoint you by not telling you anything new. this i already know.

the only appropriate coverage right now is on the radio.

sharing your sorrow

April 16, 2007

Egon Schiele, Two Figures, 1917
watercolor, charcoal on paper

ArtandCulture

ArtandCulture

awesome site for anyone with an interest in anything artsy. enjoy!

Seductress: The Women and the Art: "The seductress. She's a scarlet inkblot, a Rorschach of our deepest sexual fears and fantasies. She's the blond bimbette in a string bikini; the stacked vamp in Spandex; the Chanel-suited nymphobitch of Sullivan & Cromwell; the servile artist's muse and maidservant. But we've got it wrong. We've been gulled by chimeras-sleazy, bogus stereotypes that need to be dismantled and replaced by the genuine article."

i want one. where are you, my seductress? call me!

new look

yeah, since i finally was able to log into the old blogger dashboard after the google migration, following a recent upgrade of Firefox, i figured it was high time to give all of you loyal readers a break and update the look of the blog.

hope you like it. it's cleaner, yes?

i just moved, a few months ago. wish i could get everything together as quickly at home.

not your father's campus

in case there was any doubt, young people continue to find ways to keep the college experience interesting. dig some of these titles on the "optional reading" list:

• SWAY (Yale University)
  
• H Bomb (Harvard University)
  
• boink (Boston University)
  
• Outlet (Columbia University)
  
• Vita Excolatu (University of Chicago)
  
• Squirm (Vassar College)

again, i'm reminded that i was born in the wrong time.

like, totally, right!

poor bushie. sad bushie.

Daryl Hannah is totally cool!

really -- I had no idea. i was checking out AmandaAcrossAmerica, which led me to hannah's site, dhlovelife.com. learned about the very cool Southcentral Farmers, who until recently cultivated 350 community farms in what was formerly nothing more than a South-Central LA wasteland (and, which is, sadly, on the way to becoming one again).

check out d's video-blog on mushroom expert, paul stamets. (did you know that common button mushrooms -- those plain, white "snow" mushrooms you can find in any grocery store -- as well as trendy portabellas, contain the same dangerous carcinogens as those produced when you smoke cigarettes??!! stick with the shitakes!)

good thing they aren't attorneys.....

'cuz their argument sucks -- hear about this? there's this restaurant in Tempe, AZ, called The Heart Attack Grill, that uses a Hooter's-style gimmick of having their waitresses wear naughty nurse uniforms as they serve up such items as the Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flatliner Fries to customers. so, a bunch of nurses started complaining, and the whole thing has culminated in the AZ Board of Nursing sending the owner a letter informing him that only real nurses can be called nurses........

anyway -- here's the argument made by some brilliant administrator: "Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession," said Sandy Summers, executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy, based in Baltimore. "We're asking people, if they're going to have these fantasies, please don't make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions."

apparently, it's not OK with the nurses for their profession to be objectified, but it IS OK with them if other professions are.

hmmmmmm. like, say, attorneys, maybe??

you, uh, want some fries with that shake??

i would love to have dinner with these people.....

....or party with them. or date them, as the case may be. anyone you know??

gotta love tom

enjoy!~

greatest hits

how many of these albums have you owned? (yeah. remember albums??)

Deus Ex Machina -- say what now?...

i suppose that this really shouldn't surprise me, given that over half of the population around here believes that the universe is 6,000 years old, but -- come on!! take a look......

``Jesus Power and Light'' -- a free-electricity promotion denounced by scientists, consumer advocates and state attorneys general -- was pitched at an Akron City Council member's Sept. 5 ward meeting.

apparently, there's this sales guy named Fred Gissendaner, described as "a respected local sports hero and community figure," who claims to be a "certified dealer for the Hummingbird Motor & Sundance Generator, which purportedly harnesses the energy of permanent magnets to produce more electricity than it uses."

gets better. at the moment, the AKtual MagiK Machines aren't available. for now, Gissandaner is peddling a DVD that explains the technology. shell out your $20 for the disk, and you get to be one of 1.6 million so-called "witnesses" who will be invited to football fields across America and Canada on July 10, 2007, for the machine's debut. then they get to have the generators installed in their homes, at which point they're entitled to free electricity for life.

how will this work? according to Gissandaner, International Tesla Electric Co. (ITEC) will retain ownership of the home-installed generators, and the company will sell all the excess electricity being created in everyone's backyards, garages and basements back to the utilities. forgive us -- of course you wanna know what it looks like...

looks pretty legit, huh? but who's that dashing gentleman in the picture? could it be Fred Gissandaner? alas, no. it is none other than Dennis Lee. so, who is Dennis Lee?

a coupla google searches later, and it's no surprise to this cybernaut that this whole thing has sketchy roots. Dennis Lee, apparently, is some kinda techno-snake oil salesman for the new millenium. in an open letter he wrote in May of 1999, to explain to former members of the Tesla Society why it had been acquired for a grand total of $5,000, Lee proclaims, "It is my belief that Nikola Tesla was the greatest scientist ever to grace mankind with his presence....I am in awe of his greatness and respect his insight more than I do any other human this side of Jesus Christ." how touching. or weird. Lee refers to good old Nikola as "the Guru," while referring to himself, more modestly, as the Director of Research for Better World Technologies.

the BBA, on the other hand, refers to the whole thing as a scam. not to be discouraged, good old Akron, Ohio has seen the likes of Lee's shameless hucksterism before, back in 1999.

so, how is it that he is coming back? not to mention how a hair-brained scheme like this managed to get floor time at a ward meeting. according to the linked article, Akron Councilwoman Renee Greene, commenting on Gissandaner, said "she was unaware of the court actions or Lee's connection to Gissendaner's investment proposal when she agreed to let Gissendaner speak at her meeting."

"Fred is the kind of person that I consider resourceful," she said. "He came to us from a religious perspective."

She doesn't think any harm was done at the meeting because nobody took him up on the offer.

"If my church was going to be involved, then we would be investigating," she said. "Otherwise, this was just a pass-along-information thing."

ah! -- now we get it. if it were for your church, you'd take a closer look, but, hell, it's good enough for the city, yo!

Nikola Tesla
(July 10, 1856 - January 7, 1943)

mind-blowing stuff

dunno about you, but when i see stuff like this, it just makes me go "wow."

a visual interpretation of the universe of blogs.

if you like that kinda thing, then you just gotta try out the TouchGraph GoogleBrowser. pick a URL for the app to use as a staring point -- you'll be amazed at everything you're linking to.

here's what TBH looked like, at first glance:

if you like buying things, here's more cool stuff:

• billed as the "world's first sleep phase alarm clock, axbo uses a wristband to collect our data and determine your optimal wake-up time. (199 EUR)
• wanna know even more? strap a bodybugg on like a pedometer, and find out your specific caloric needs, based on your actual lifestyle. ($399 -- includes armband, 3-month subscription to web-based program and 2 remote sessions with a nutrition coach.)

don't be shy. say wow. you know you want to.

well, damn...

if you folks don't have any comments on those last four posts, why the hell do i bother??

it all started when.....

if i could overcome inertia, the first thing i'd do would be to write a book, which would be nothing more than a clever presentation of a whimsical intellectual journey on the web, with Google as my travel agent, one esoteric search leading to another, each path leading to a virtual door, opening into a metaphorical rooms ("it's like a room....."), the walls of which are covered by more virtual doors ("....full or doorways....."), each door opening into seemingly endless vistas of information, bizarre and inspiring.

maybe i should point out that my Google searches regularly tend to spin out of control. they start out well, mind you -- what you will see here is fairly typical: what begins as a search for a fairly precise kernel of information tends to rapidly disintegrate into a gargantuan digression.

which likely explains why i haven't written the aforementioned book. (see? it's not really inertia, after all. and certainly not laziness -- if anything, i'm too BUSY learning to write the damned book!)

kinda like this......i land at the doorstep of the Partridge Family Temple. oddly enough, what led me there was reading about Peter H. Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan, who apparently has or once had some association with the Partridge worshippers. the things you learn on the web.

no, i'm not a satan worshipper. i got there, because i was reading about ketamine. and i was reading about ketamine because there's a huge plant outside of my office. allow me to explain.

i was reading Dale Pendell's latest, PHARMAKO/GNOSIS: Plant Teachers and the Poison Path. (Dale's a great read, even if you don't give a hoot about the powers of plants.) i was reading about Angel's Trumpets in the "Daimonica" chapter, because there's a huge specimen of this very plant flourishing outside of my office.as i continue to read the rest of the book, there's a chapter on ketamine. Pendell talks about legendary scientist and psychonaut John Lilly, who was a user of the scary disassociative drug. he then lists the names of some of Lilly's pals who died. since i have this weird fascination with morbid facts, i decide to see what i can learn about these people, but of the 4 or 5 listed, i could only remember the name of Marcia Moore, so i looked her up.

reading about Marcia touches on reading about other people who have messed around with ketamine, and one of them is -- wait for it -- the devilish Peter H. Gilmore.

somewhere along this path, i'm led astray by the Lilly's mischievous spirit, who takes me to Darenet, where i clicked on a link labelled, "New Federally required warning label to be placed on all medical Marijuana." this takes me to a friendly little skull and crossbones.while i'm there, i can't resist reading about Lilly's 80th Birthday Party (click the pic). all i learned from this published account was that the great man would have benefitted from hiring a party planner.

i think i'm done, but find that i still have this satan guy on the radar. what the hell (ha!), i click on his link, which leads me to the cyber-HQ of the dark church itself. i mumble some Latin and make the sign of the cross, but i am a Fearless and Inveterate Explorer, and will not be daunted by The Spooky. i click on the "News" link to see what the whackos are up to. as it turns out, not much. this comes as no surprise to me. i've long thought that evil, in the grand scheme of things, was boring, and i like to think that the devil and his minions are, at heart, slothful creatures. so, the Prince of Darkness's "news" page turns out to be mostly a place to promote events, magazines and movies. kind of a "This Week in Helltown" thingy. among our finds...

scary books. scary radio. scary B&W films. scary Mexican movies. the devil's own diary (scary!). guys in drag. scary sexy things, because we all know the devil is always horny. scary art. even scary babydolls.

plus, judging by the blurb, a helluva fun party:

"This Halloween season, the Witches of Salem celebrate the power of the men in our lives. Men, dress as your most rebellious and devilish as you cast off the shackles of authority and walk as the god that you are! Women, dress in your most sexy black garters and lace for those you hope to bewitch and ensnare."

billed as "the World’s most exclusive Halloween event!" it's The Official Salem Witches Halloween Ball!! sounds like the witches know how to party!....

Bewitchments of the Evening Include

* Sumptuous hors d'oeuvres
* Free Tarot readings by practicing Salem Witches
* An eclectic mix of music from Pop to Goth, Industrial to Top 40 with dj addambomb
* A cash bar to serve your favorite potion
* $666 Cash Prize for Best Costume
* 2nd Place Winner will receive 2 tickets to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball (for 2006 or 2007)
At the evening's pinnacle, all Witches and Warlocks present will break the chains of guilt-laden oaths placed upon them by orthodox faiths as they meet the man in black and sign his book, striking new oaths and promises to a more magical life...

damn! this sounds like fun even for an amateur pagan like me! check out the pics!

"As a special Halloween treat to our esteemed friends at the Church of Satan, tickets are $100 per person for COS members only (regular price: $150 per ticket). When ordering tickets, please use the discount codeword: SATAN"

in the end, just good clean fun.

(note: do not try this at home. this post took me 4 hours to do. -- ed.)

Adele moves to Manhattan


Cosmetic heir and art collector Ronald Lauder (who began collecting art at age 14...) has landed Gustav Klimt's 1907 Portrait d'Adele Bloch-Bauer I, which will reside in his Neue Galerie, over on 5th and 86th, along the city's "Museum Mile."

Lauder reportedly paid anywhere from $138-145 million for the work which, at 138 x 138 cms, makes that about $7,300 bucks per square centimeter.

Once again, I'm clearly in the wrong business.

I like this one a lot.....


Avenue in Schloss Kammer Park, c. 1912