Shame on me for not being able to find time to post since almost 2 weeks ago? I mean -- ! -- shame on me!! That being said...

Who's more annoying?

After watching Dubya's first address to a joint session of Congress, I can't make up my mind if his smug cheerleading (a la Ronnie) good-old-boy (a la daddy, AKA Dubya, Sr) style is as bad as Cokie Roberts, who I can't even listen to anymore. And she's looking more like a grizzled veteran male journalist every month. Yow! -- how old is that pic??

Since that observation, I'm sure, pretty much kills my chances of ever working in public radio, we may as well drive the stake home -- it's almost enough to drive one to alternative sources of news.

[ The Band expects to catch some shit from feminists for that. But -- faced with either catching shit or breaking its policy of being an equal opportunity poster of links, the choice was clear. Remaining true to its First Amendment roots, it opted for the latter. And we'll still cook for you gals, any day of the week. ]

You're not just slipping...

...into a shoe. You're slipping into a slice of fleece-lined heaven.

No crap -- actual descriptive text from The Sportsman's Guide. No wonder it calls itself, "the fun to read catalog," by way of a banner graphic on the cover, which is actually trademarked! Fancy that.

What are they thinking?

Teens. Not as scary as you think, and pretty hip to how advertisers attempt to manipulate them and their tastes. Again brings to mind Faith Popcorn.

Belated Wishes

Happy Mardi Gras, and a blessed purple lent to all of you.

The Band Sings...

Happy Birthday to Me, Your Humble Chronicler. And my b-day wish is for all of you Dear Readers to enjoy a happy day. So, g'wan -- get on with it!

Always interesting in speculating over what next year may bring...

[ Coming soon -- More DOCUMENTED evidence of insanity in these parts! ]

The Nose. It Always Knows.

Our monthly horoscopic outlook -- posted yesterday, below -- noted that we'd be pondering our career direction. "Entertain the questions and the answer will appear on its own time," counselled the Oracle.

Well, methinks I should've been a neurologist, because one Dr. Alan Hirsch has the coolest job. Need evidence? --

• A new spin on the old apple-a-day theory.
  
• In a rut? Have a crunchy, salted snack. The Band can't determine which is weirder -- this blurb, or the fact that it ran in Entrepreneur magazine. Further evidence that capitalism is bad for your health, maybe.
  
• Smell the one you love. Pick your flavor: For Wo/men.
  
• Oh, what the heck -- Bubba-meets-Pinocchio

The Band has asked me to send it's greetings to you on this, the First Valentine's Day of the New Millenium. We hope you get exactly what you want. It's a big universe.

(Btw, if anyone out there actually does receive that three-foot tall, 30 lb. milk chocolate-covered peanut butter dog, please send us a pic.)

New Heights in Curmudgeonly Party Pooper-ism

So it's a silly holiday. That being said, perhaps a small prayer of thanks is in order for our tolerance of silliness, because, well, we could be here.

A Little Finger Pointing??

So, Your Chronicler has been enjoying some humorous exchanges with Kevin Whited, over at his Reason Forum. The source of our shared amusement, we're not embarassed to admit, are those wanna-be-holier-than-thou systems people you see running around your offices these days, ever-chirping cell phones clipped to their wastebands, positioned just slightly in front of their supertools. Now, neither I nor Mr. Whited has anything against cell phones (though we do agree that you should turn them off when you're in a public setting, or have the common courtesy to purchase a silent vibrating battery) or supertools (there is much to say for being prepared). No -- we simply take issue with the personnel, whom Mr. Whited has masterfully genericized as "IT Professionals." So, in the spirit of both V-Day and the new, fun, affordable and satisfying sport of techie-bashing, we offer you the following:

• Security "experts" (uh-huh....) gird their loins. And The Band shields its eyes as the Prophets of Insecurity Strike Again!!
  
  
• "Here you have, :o)" -- So, how long before the techies start making jokes about this one? The Band can almost hear it now:
  "Yeah....heh-heh.....like, there's a virus I'd like to catch.......heh-heh......."
  "Yeah, like.....heh-heh........infect me....{~drool~}......heh-heh......"

Sorry for that digression -- sometimes it's tough to forget that when we were kids these were the people who walked around with bulging plastic pocket protectors. It really is beside the point. The point here, if there is one at all, is that what's interesting about this article is that it somewhat captures the self-perpetuating paranoia that the ITP's are so deft at promoting (search on ). Read about:

• The Villain -- the thrilling capture of, "OnTheFly," the Evil Architect of the Kournikova Virus (he turned himself in).
  
• Finnish internet security company F-Secure Outwits the Villain.
  
• A glimpse into the perverse mind of OnTheFly, as he explains why he named the virus after the popular young Russian tennis star ("Just because I am a big fan of her. She deserves some attention, doesn't she??" No lie -- Ed.).
  
• Virus research manager at F-(in)Secure describes as "horrifying" {*g-a-s-p!!*} that OnTheFly used a "virus toolkit" to create the virus: "The blame lies as much with the creator of the toolkit."

Hmmm. So, who's fault is it? The Villain's, for creating the virus? The software manufacturer's, for creating the toolkit? The ITPs, for not preventing the virus from getting through? The Band can almost hear this discussion waxing philosophical over pepperoni pizza in the posh ITP lounge:

"It's horrifying! The blame lies as much with the creator of the toolkit."
"Man, shut up. That's just dumb."
"What -- ?"
"I mean, it's like saying that all of the evil in the world is as much God's fault as man's."

Poor Bubba's Almanac, 2/14/01

• It's always hard to watch friends fight.
  
• The rent is too high.
  
• It sucks to get invited to lunch, only to be later dissed by market managers.
  

The Band Entertains

Today's Aquarius Horoscope
January 20 - February 18

Deep feelings about your career, the direction it is heading, what you want out of it -- perhaps even questions about whether it is time to change paths -- are coming to the forefront. So maybe it is time you sought the advice of a sage and trusted soul who can tell you about their mistakes so that you won't have to make more of your own. You have plenty of ambition and interest in bettering the world, but questions are looming concerning whether your current path is the best one. Entertain the questions and the answer will appear on its own time.

Last but not Least

For those Dear Readers who may have an interest, casual or otherwise, in such non-profit issues as the Clinton library foundation's use of charitable funds to pay for part of his office, Dubya's "faith-based initiative," or the effect of an estate tax repeal on charitable giving, you may like this interview with Michael Wyland.

A Good Day for Evolution

Today, in 1809, Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were born.

The Band considers that a banner day, but is compelled to ask, like, who really invented television?

Wow -- much to do around here -- things to fix, above and below.

So many links, so little bandwidth.

Still the best ever edition of Suck, in The Band's humble opinion.

Here's a random lyric for you, left on Your Chronicler's desk by The Band's lyricist. When asked for some explanation or interpretation, no matter how vague, all I could get was that it was just kinda one of those those spontaneous brain outputs. Came outta nowhere, nearly whole, somewhat like Cairo emerging fully-formed from the desert. Enjoy.

This Moment Present

My snail boat shell hat
worn loosely
catches wind dust
spirits,
sunshine and
warms

my

life.

You there, so far
away and sweet,
do you know why
the infants cry at night?
and the dogs like me
bay at the moon?

I figure
it's something
in the air.

Crushed light and sand,
time compressed,
like rough density,
the inside of a brick that
(when halved) reveals
the other side

of smooth.

And then, I (so foolish) wish
to pulse my thoughts to you
and run through a storm
and chase lightning
and catch rain in
my snail boat shell hat.

.......and where-oh-where have the archives gone.....??......hmmm.......

Leaving the Assimilation to You

The Band has no idea how the following collection of items are connected. Rather, we leave the assimilation to you, Dear Reader.

• On the off-chance that you've been asleep since, say, April of 2000, all is not well in the magical dot.kingdom. For instance, there's a graveyard. And fAMOUS is doing an exhibit -- a true sign that something has attained cultural, if not actual or historical, importance (thought The Band would say it's all three).
  
  Even blogger has woes, in case you haven't been following. From the Mouths of Our Favorite Pyrates: Here are some:
  
  • Most Emotional -- Meg
    
  • Most Optimistic -- Ev.
    
  • Most Wry -- Peterme (go to 2/1/01)
    
  • Snazziest -- Matt
    
  • Edgiest -- Jack
  
  
  
• Ecstasy -- Schedule I, or make it a state?
  
  
• Visit the fine and brave people at MAPS.
  
  
• Check on the State of Fascism in your state -- read the news.
  
  
• Then, pop over to Cafe Utne, create a free account (if you don't already have one), and see what your fellow citizens are saying.
  
  
• More scariness from the usual sources -- the self-proclaimed so-called righteous. (Not from a verified source.)
  
  
• Visit SR -- that's short for SurReview -- billed as "a nasty little e-zine."

Keep the faith. Long live blogger.

Saturday Randomness

The unabridged diary of an addict.

Darwinism and the assembly line.

Good old Ram Dass, the most amusingly inspirational dude since Alan Watts. Who always makes me think also of Aldous Huxley, an enlightened dude in his own right.

Namaste.

This Just In(box)

This morning's special ingredient in the daily spam omelette took the form of this header in my mailbox:

Subject: _Amazing NEW Herbal Penis Enlargement Breakthrough!

Well click it, already -- you know you want to......you too can purchase a 30-day supply of The Amazing Male Virility Enhancement System for a mere $59.95. ...~gawd~....

More on the Sun-Deprived

If you survived that above link, you are to be congratulated. Consider this your reward: The Band Has Yet to Let me Forget that I missed posting on 01/01/01 and on 01/20/01, and Your Humble Chronicler has yet to find a way to redeem himself -- until now. Some of you, Dear Readers, may already be familiar with a strange tradition of these parts, which occurs every year on 02/02, wherein an Oversized Rodent Assumes the Mantle of the Oracle, and is consulted regarding the next month-and-a-half of meteorological events. You can even review his batting average over time.

It's true. It's bad enough that homo sapien counterparts rarely come close to offering an accurate five-day forecast. To further complicate things, there's the whole matter of the Pretenders to the Throne:

• General Beauregard Lee
  
• a cheese-loving Usurper to the Throne from Wisconsin, who goes by the name of Sun Prairie Jimmy
  
• Tennessee Groundhog, obviously a terrorist, judging from his mugshot (don't be fooled by that cheap grocery-store bouquet -- this boy's packin' some serious heat!)
  
• Wiarton Willie, from the Great White
  
• Octorara Orphie, whose subversive activities are so underground (********g*r*o*a*n*******) that we couldn't even locate a specific link for him....uh....her (?).....it -- but turned up a few other contenders in the process.

Even the dot.coms are in on the...umm...fun.

So, you see, the insanity is spreading, it appears.

Well, I keep telling you how weird they are!!!!

Why, it's just enough to make me wanna log out, work on my taxes, and (attempt to) clean up The Band's headquarters. Later.

Thought of the Moment

Creationism is just two letters shy of cretin-ism, thank-you-very-much.

(I rilly oughtta be able to retire on that one, but, well, life just is not fair. - R.)

But Will the Fool Rush In?

02/01/01
Be prepared for new experiences, RUNE. This day is aglow with your aura
as a One. As you embark on your daily journey through life, you may
encounter things you have never seen or experienced before. Once again
your essence is at work! On a 1-Day such as this, your world will be
inundated with new things to explore. Breathe deep and forge ahead, for
where you choose to go others will follow. Just be sure you take the time
to think first - don't rush in blindly.

Always good advice, that.

Spinning

• Hole, doing "Teenage Whore," off their classic Pretty On the Inside, an album title which The Band always felt would benefit from the following inflection: Pretty, On the Inside. You see? Better, yes? Anyway -- you go, Courtney.
  
  
• A group that calls itself Magic Dirt, singing "She-riff," a rippin' tune off their album Young and Full of the Devil. The perfect Valentine's Day gift for your favorite right wing fundamentalist. Guess they're an Aussie outfit -- has opened for such alt.luminaries as Pavement, Sonic Youth, Hole and Dinosaur Jr. Anyone who opens for Dino Jr. can't be bad.
  
  
• The Cogs, doing "David's Mother" off of Viva! -- "I always thought he wanted more / but he just became the son of the neighborhood whore." Hmmm.....sounds like there's a whore-theme going on here....
  
  
• 7 Year Bitch, doin' "Gun," offa Sick 'Em
  
  
• and, last but not least, Lydia Lunch doing a cover of the Tom Waits tune, "Hollywood & Vine," that just, well, almost defines bitchin'! The Band heartily approves!